Denial: I have to wonder what this is really all about.

Over the decades, as psychology has gone more mainstream, it has infiltrated every aspect of our lives culturally and socially. It’s in our health coverage plans, employee benefits, in the movies, sitcoms, and even more in the advertisements. I’d say they’re having an influence upon our self and group consciousness.

Earlier, I caught myself asking a question to seek the opinion of someone else about my skill, rather than just toot my horn which was what I was inspired to do in the first place. I had just finished work on a project that made me feel pretty good, and true to joy, a little cocky swaggering was called for. Instead, I censored myself and tried soliciting accolades rather than be boastful. I puzzled over this turn-about and what influenced this censoring.

As I have studied and observed the human condition over the years, it has been noted that a steady surge has broken down communion among people by placing more emphasis upon personal satisfaction and fulfillment. With so much individuality pushed in the marketplace, advertising relationships, etc., the subliminal influences shift our value-base unconsciously. With there being so much negative media created to ’sell’ to consumers, the personal identity and place of the individual in context to family and community becomes obscured, questionable, and finally, burdensome, to many.

On yet another side, the self-help industry is so full of individual band-aid stories, that the people seeking solutions typically find themselves discovering more personal problems than they bargained for. It’s like reading the horoscope. There are enough generalities and commonalities among people that we can buy into a prognosis which we then make more real through our own belief. In addition, rational and healthy human behavior ends up falling under close scrutiny while answers are sought amongs all the expert opinions, programs, and books.

As I found myself concluding these thoughts, only one question remained. When will simply being a joyful and sharing human being be okay again?

There I was hovering over a busy ant-hill when thought I heard something. I leaned in a little closer to see what it was. You won’t believe it, but I’ll share it anyway.

“Do you suppose there is any rhyme or reason to any of this?” Dweedle-Ant posed.

“He He He! Of course, Mant! Of course! Just take a look at that cute little heiny and tell me that ain’t no reason. That’s a reason!” bellowed and guffawed Sext-Ant.

“Sure, if all that matters to you is thorax and antennae, Perv!” stated Iman-Ant. “Of course there is a point to it all, Dweedle-Ant.”

“Each and every one of us is a piece of a larger whole. The whole is the colony. While a colony can continue without us, it is no longer the same colony. The whole keeps changing, and yet, it depends upon us for its own existence. It is the nature of Life. Before the flower came the bud, before the bud came the stem, before the stem-the roots, before the roots-the seed, and after all is said and done, all that was the flower is returned to multiple seeds. These seeds varying in the sum totality of the experiences in the journey of the flower’s life.”

“So, you see, we don’t know and experience the future now. We pour ourselves into the now, knowing that a future self that is the sum of everything before (self-included), and aspires to even greater, will have more of the answers than we have now,” finished Iman-Ant.

Sext-Ant yawns and exhales, “Well you mucks can do whatever you want, or believe whatever you want. Me? I’m just going for more T & A, baby, T & A!” And sauntered off with a howl that dwindled to a chuckle.

Wow! They’re not much different than us, eh?

Tama’s Musings

The Secret to Healing: Feel the Pain

When we are on the path of creating the work and life we love, we will encounter pain. That’s a given. Yes, we will follow our bliss, and then rejection, fear, and confusion will find out where we live. How we deal with the pain will determine our success and joy. But most of don’t love dealing with pain.

Recently, I had a fit of insecurity, a bout of self-comparison, and then a melt down. It’s the same sorry broken record that plays again. I don’t want this pain to return. It has come so many times to my house and broken the dishes and kicked in the walls. But when it comes I feel as though I have little say. All my years of therapy and spiritual growth, and even teaching, seem like postcards from a foreign land. I know that this “pain is optional.” But in the moment, it’s the only dish on the menu.

Ironically, I am at a beautiful retreat center when this experience happens. There are ongoing workshops on meditation and healing taking place. I pause by a still pond. Barefoot meditators walk by me, smiling with peace. I want to trip them as they pass. I am not well, I tell you.

Heal my mind, I pray to any God who will listen. Take these thoughts away. I say the words, begging and demanding. I stomp my foot like a princess calling upon the powers of the heavens as though they are disobedient maid servants. Nothing happens. Evidently, I cannot even pray right in this pain.

“Try focusing on something positive,” I demand of myself. It’s almost embarrassing how much good there is in my life, and how I choose to lie down on a bed of nails instead. Seeing this makes me feel worse. There are children starving in Africa, and they’re probably singing, says my suddenly “spiritual” inner critic. Now I’m in more pain, thinking how wrong it is to be in pain.

That night, I talk to Nancy, a woman I have just met. She is a healer by trade. But more than that, she is a healer by the way she looks at me. Her face is as open as a window in springtime and her eyes have seen it all, yet look at me with burning interest. I feel the air slow down around her. I swear she is charming the molecules into sacred space. I start telling her about my situation, strategically inserting only the details that validate my cause, and make me look pretty good, not at all like the ragged and hostile character at her table. I ask her how to deal with the pain of the situation.

I am hoping she will give me some mantra or insight to make it instantly disappear. I am hoping she has some kind of talisman tucked up her sleeve. I am hoping she will say something to prop up my wounded, terrified ego, maybe something like— you’re obviously a rock star who deserves better treatment. Or better yet, here let me waive my magic wand, and don’t worry, just for you, I’ll waive my fee. Or worst case scenario, but still fine with me, I expect her to say, I know a woman who can tell you which mother in which past life did this to you. I know a guru, a therapist, a lobotomist, a drug dealer, I’ll get you connected. But she says none of those things. She says something I am not expecting. When I ask her “What should I do?“—she says quietly, “I guess there is nothing to do— but feel the pain.”

Part of me wants to say, “Come, again?”

But the wise part of me, the one that instantaneously recognizes truth, wants to giggle and toss jellybeans at her feet. That part understands and claps its hands.

“Feel the pain,” she says, and she says it with the kindness of a thousand years like water that has loved a jagged rock and smoothed it into shining. Her healer’s voice surrounds me with spaciousness, as though she can wait forever for me to take in this message.

I feel her recognize my sorrow and suddenly I recognize it—and I recognize that it’s okay to feel sorrow. I don’t need to deny it or make it wrong or try to sweep it off my doorstep and scrub away its shadow. The moment she says “feel the pain,” I feel as though the broken sorrows of the whole world are laid before me, the raw hearts of everyone, everywhere, meeting me in this single moment with knowing. Somehow we’re all in this together, and I would not make them wrong for anything—and, finally, I do not make myself wrong either.

This is what whispers to me in her words: stop running and come in out of the rain. Wrap your little girl in a warm woolen blanket. Let’s put on a pot of soup. Forgive your ego, your frightened one for its tirade, for demanding the moon as proof of being loved, for needing things to be otherwise, for taking offense because the wind blew a certain way—not your way. Take those tight shoes off. Why, you’ve been running away from your truth for so long, you must be tired. Here, let’s soak those feet in lavender oil.

The moment Nancy said, “feel the pain,” I didn’t feel lonely or separate from my life anymore. I felt as though I could be in this exact moment, in this exact state of mind. I felt as though she was asking me to allow God, the Eternal Lover of the Present Moment, back into my heart. I felt as though she was reminding me of my Real Nature, a presence so beautiful and vast, it could sit with pain of any sort, frustration, anger, betrayal, and welcome every wasp, spider, or aphid into the garden. She was asking me to give myself over to the medicine and instruction of this moment. Suddenly I realized I didn’t need Spirit to take away the pain. I only wanted Spirit to sit with me while I felt the pain. I needed to sit with this part of myself. I needed to hear her story, not to fix it, or agree with it, push it away, or try to change the circumstances that caused it. I needed to sit with this frightened part of myself. She needed to be heard. She would know how to go forward from there.

In the past, I have envisioned the Presence of Love sitting down by my side. It’s the Holy Spirit, Jesus, Buddha, the Hebrew Shekina, or the spirit of ten thousand sequoia trees. Strong Love sits beside me. Strong Love sits behind me, before me and above me and below me. Strong Love can contain anything. Strong Love can absorb the sting. Strong Love doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

In the end, pain opened my heart to myself. It’s always that way. I feel the love of the Universe when I feel my own love. I feel that love when I stop running away from any part of myself or any experience I am having. I am willing to feel the pain. I am willing to feel my love. I am willing to feel my life.

This month I invite you to sit with yourself in the middle of a feeling that is uncomfortable. Feel the pain. I hope you can hear me whisper this to you, with the love of the ages in my voice, a strength and gentleness that wraps around you. I have faith in your ability to heal yourself. I have faith in your ability to contain and absorb and dance with the truth of exactly where you find yourself in this moment. I have faith in all of us.

With my love and blessings,

Tama

©Copyright 2009 Tama J. Kieves. All rights reserved.

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Love is the first item at the top of the list, as it always seems to be a central core to what gets discussed. However, this gets to it from a different angle. Your worth fighting for.

Love starts at home, we all know and understand this, even if we don’t all come from perfect homes. Heck, as adult parents, we judge ourselves pretty harshly too. In spite of all the failings and misery, we have it in us to overcome and still love them, accepting what is and that we will never change them.

Love starts at home wants you to look closer to home. If all the money in the world evaporated, the buildings, the cities, the conveniences, and all the things we identify ourselves with, what’s left? What home remains that you still occupy no matter what is happening, or where you are?

Love starts at home is starting with you. You are worth fighting for.

When things aren’t always going right, and you’ve become accustomed to bridging peace, or any other behavior that allows you to remain in a place that is unhealthy for your well-being, or your growth, you’ve got to start at home. The change happens, you reach in so you can reach out; in healthier ways.

Just a little random thinking tonight.

Recently asked what I liked about someone’s personality, other than things that are useful to me, I found myself coming up against a rock and a hard place. The very act of liking anything and anyone brings a sense of joy and wonder to a thirsting soul seeking satisfaction. Disliking does quite the opposite. How does a question such as this get answered with any level of honesty?

I read once on a list of Life Priorities once where the top item stated: “Choose the right partner. This one choice alone will determine 95% of your success and happiness.” I cannot emphasize enough how truthful and relevant such a statement is, in spite of all our romantic leanings, and desires to make-things-work.

Toxic workplaces have higher levels of absenteeism, and higher levels of mental health claims. Do we expect we would fare any better in a relationship that is proving toxic? So the question now causes me to turn to who would inquire about what I like about them, besides what is useful, and wonder: Why would you want to hear the answer ‘Nothing’?

Don’t get me wrong, we all have mediocre qualities we all could do-with or do-without and we’d barely notice. But that’s a big difference than the intent behind the question. In a personal and intimate relationship, the values, behaviours, traits, characteristics, and so forth, are either compatible and healthy, or they are not. Attraction happens based upon these things exhibited during a courtship. Over time, the real everyday behaviours, traits, and characteristics show up.

In every relationship between two partners, an agreement is formed in principle that there will be a common ground for respecting each other. How this looks in action often leaves parties struggling to feel that they are being respected 100% of the time. As well, none of us is ever perfect as we keep growing and changing.

It’s a give-and-take, and an ebb-and-flow, as it is with life. The better we are at following the give-and-take, whether it represents a short-term or long-term commitment, the better success the individuals will have, and therefore the better success the union has as a couple.

What do I like about anyone that is not useful? When I like, liking is useful. It does things inside me, like when you smile. Like when you whisper in my ear. Like when you giggle when you’re being silly. Or like when you’re laughing heartily at my jokes. Liking someone is useful. Don’t you think?

I’m in Love in a very different way than I’ve ever experienced before. It is not a kind of love that feels all that comfortable to be with. I ache and have these very unusual bodily experiences… not quite muscle ache, but something creeping in the muscles. It’s a tension that comes with this Love. You may wonder what this different kind of love is.

Self Judgment and Criticism

People are often very good  at chastising their behaviour, their short-comings, their failures, and faults. The more times those bricks get heaped down upon you the load gets greater. I know that I used to be able to shrug them off a lot more easily when I was younger. Life hadn’t introduced me fully to itself yet.

Loving Others

Connecting with others to feel the warm energizing embrace of love fills a deep lacking void that has been empty for many years. For all those failures and shortcomings, the self-flagellation starves the individual from its very own personal source to Love. It’s stopped off, choked up, and with that starvation gasping for love, as soon as it encounters a warm sense of healing balm, it throws itself into a temporary fix that will soon implode upon itself.

Take  the Pain

The biggest reason this happens is due to how easy it is under some circumstances to simply slide into that deep pit and stay there without any ability to actually “SEE” the way clearly to getting out step-by-step. That’s really stuck! There’s lots to re-learn, and more to experience. The uncomfortable truth is the body does experience aches as the mind re-awakens fully with consciousness and awareness of the full reality. This is outside and beyond the self-pity-pit. It’s gonna hurt – Stay with it.

Consider this – the pain you feel is Love coming back.

Switching Gears

The pain in the body in part I’ve found to be related to the energy of a future that has not yet manifested. It is manifesting, and it begins through choice. As I said, it’s going to hurt when you encounter the fallout of the temporary fix. Don’t run from it, walk with it, stay with it. Things shift in what is observed in our thoughts, mind, choices, emotions, etc., and the new choices will be seen and felt strongly. It’s such a strong pull away from what was comfortable that it will create physical discomfort. Stick with the vision, you’ve felt the clutch engaging the new gears!

This Different Kind of Love

This different kind of love is focused on you now more fully. When you’re present with it and see, you notice it is standing tall and looking forward at an exciting and brilliant life that is being lived. This life glitters with gold in comparison to the old reality. This life is the life that was started way back. It’s back on track. This different kind of Love is definitely about you.

The Switch For Me

It’s been a tough road along some bumps. Being in the personal development field I was devastated to find myself broken. How could I be broken? I kept hearing the joke “those you can DO, those who can’t Teach.” This became an uncomfortable space that soon became comfortable. It was a catch-22 of self-analysis that created a vortex that sucked me in and kept me there. Little did I know, I was driving the boat.

Best Kind of Love

This space I started with describing and talking about in the post is a truly strong point of view. It is clearer than any perspective held in your life under any other circumstances. It yields tremendous strength and power that can sustain you in any circumstance. It will attract more of what you want than any Law of Attraction visualization can ever give you. This Love is that which acknowledges you, and ends all further belittling. It lifts you up. It holds you strong.

Know Your Self and Love Your Self

Value Your Self

Are we talking customer service, or are we talking sex? When I heard this statement, I couldn’t help thinking of many variations of where this statement could be applied. In the context of the conversation, it pertained to customer relations. The conversation was with a beautiful young woman which conjured up other possibilities.

“CrustyFarts.com would be a good place for that,” she had said.

I was lost on this one. CrustyFarts.com (non-existent yet) is the cantankerous perspective poking holes at the things people say, believe, or do. That said, upon reflection, the cantankerous fool could have a lot of fun with “Keep ‘em Happy, Keep ‘em Serviced, They Stay With You.”

Choose to keep others happy

None of us can be in top-game form every moment of every day. I know, understand, and live this experience many times each day. That said, I am also aware. Noting feelings, thoughts, emotions, and my current circumstances, I can fairly clearly point out what causes me discomfort. More importantly, I can own it and share this if necessary. Also, knowing the source, I don’t have to let it interfere with my personal relationships.

PS, don’t fool yourself about business relationships. They’re personal relationships too.

Exercise Authenticity

This does not mean you have to be a complete open book and confess all your sins past and present. This means to be consciously accountable and open to what is happening in the context of your current relationships and current personal experience of life, emotions, thoughts as you engage and create each day. With this attention to openess, you earn rapport, trust, and intimacy as trust relationships are built upon each successful exchange.

Don’t Think About Right and Wrong

Too often the critic is quick to step in and judge the right and wrong of situations. Authenticity just calls it like it is. Get past the self-preservation desire to create a false image that projects what you think is right, and don’t worry about what others think is wrong. We all make mistakes, and the most effective and powerful weapon you have is to make mistakes well.

Make Mistakes Well

I don’t believe there is anything any of us can do to avoid making mistakes. It’s part of the human experience, of relating, of growing, of learning, and of fun, adventure, and excitement too. Unafraid of the right or wrong, open to the experience of learning and growing, trying new things, and testing the boundaries, the authentic character engaging others will hurt less when the mistake is fessed up. We’re far more capable of explaining our mistakes when we’ve been authentic thus far and people have joined us on our journey. It’s the false-masks and cover-ups that always land us in the most amount of trouble.

Work Hard, Have Fun, and Keep on Working

That is an all-encompassing statement highly relevant to all areas of our life, and I’m going to focus upon relating to others. Whether spouses, customers, peers, friends, or business, opening to this approach at relating to others (in context of the relationship boundaries) will provide ample space for deepening of relationships and loyalty. As with anything in nature, this too is a process and grows over time. Be grateful for every mistake, because each one is a catalyst for growth when we seize the opportunity and have been relating to others well authentically.

Mission Impossible:

Your assignment this week should you choose to accept it: Take note of your false mask, pride and resistance to receive help or be vulnerable and even possibly wrong. Work with the moment, clarity of thought, purpose of word, to engage and express the learning and opportunity in context with the person you are communicating with in that moment.

• Business, keep it professional until take the appropriate steps to deepen the level of rapport. We can only take people where they are comfortable going. Personal integrity will speak frankly, openly, and honestly, in a constructive and solution-oriented manner. You are about success, creating opportunity (from failure), building strong trust-relationships for business and community longevity.
• Personal, my hunch wants me to say stop competing. It’s like we’re all trying to one-up each other and have the latest and greatest fashion, car, music, and friends. Putting that aside and being vulnerable with your close friends, challenging them gently little by little, will create an enriched experience of close relationships with people that really matter. Feeling isolated? Open up.
• Intimate, my soul cries out for women to yield a little to their man, and for men to lift up their woman. I see to much head-butting and a real lack for breaking down the fences and walls we’ve learned to erect to protect ourselves in our families and social circles growing up. Instead of resisting that pain, yield and lean into it, opening yourself up to the opportunity of really experiencing the one truest strongest human desire:

Be Fully Known

I don’t usually share other people’s written material, particularly if it is already on the web. However, this particular article came to me via email, as I also subscribe to Jon’s great Newsletter. This particular list happened to arrive at a time when I, too, needed the encouragement it offered. It’s never that we’re handling a situation badly, so much as every little piece of encouragement is good and useful, empowering and strengthening us on our individual journeys.

20 Ways to Get Mentally Tough

(Excerpt from Training Camp: What the Best Do Better Than Everyone Else)

1. When you face a setback, think of it as a defining moment that will lead to a future accomplishment.
2. When you encounter adversity, remember, the best don’t just face adversity; they embrace it, knowing it’s not a dead end but a detour to something greater and better.
3. When you face negative people, know that the key to life is to stay positive in the face of negativity, not in the absence of it. After all, everyone will have to overcome negativity to define themselves and create their success.
4. When you face the naysayer’s, remember the people who believed in you and spoke positive words to you.
5. When you face critics, remember to tune them out and focus only on being the best you can be.
6. When you wake up in the morning, take a morning walk of gratitude and prayer. It will create a fertile mind ready for success.
7. When you fear, trust. Let your faith be greater than your doubt.
8. When you fail, find the lesson in it, and then recall a time when you have succeeded.
9. When you head into battle, visualize success.
10. When you are thinking about the past or worrying about the future, instead focus your energy on the present moment. The now is where your power is the greatest.
11. When you want to complain, instead identify a solution.
12. When your own self-doubt crowds your mind, weed it and replace it with positive thoughts and positive self-talk.
13. When you feel distracted, focus on your breathing, observe your surroundings, clear your mind, and get into The Zone. The Zone is not a random event. It can be created.
14. When you feel all is impossible, know that with God all things are possible.
15. When you feel alone, think of all the people who have helped you along the way and who love and support you now.
16. When you feel lost, pray for guidance.
17. When you are tired and drained, remember to never, never, never give up. Finish Strong in everything you do.
18. When you feel like you can’t do it, know that you can do all things through Him who gives you strength.
19. When you feel like your situation is beyond your control, pray and surrender. Focus on what you can control and let go of what you can’t.
20. When you’re in a high-pressure situation and the game is on the line, and everyone is watching you, remember to smile, have fun, and enjoy it. Life is short; you only live once. You have nothing to lose. Seize the moment.

In what ways will you choose to be mentally tough? Share your comments here.

20 Ways to Get Mentally Tough Poster

Download, Print and Share as a Reminder to Be Strong Each Day!

Access additional Training Camp posters here.

Stay Positive, Jon

www.Twitter.com/JonGordon11

It appears even to me, that much of my writing is heavy, and even full of anger. Reflecting upon what this is all about, many things raced through my mind. One is how someone once wrote inspirationally is now turned to a style and focus that has brought attention to bear upon the darker side of our human experience. Justification, rationalization, all represent possible arguments, however, I believe that opening up the expressions from those darker spaces has a tendency to level the playing field… To make us remember that we are all human again. That it is okay to not be so perfect. That we were all four years old once. Our social games are taking the joy of being out of life.

Wonderland
Originally uploaded by Hans Vink

They walked and came to a place where grew a tamarisk tree, and about the tamarisk entwined a vine holding many bunches of grapes.

The old maidservant said, “Behold this tree, of what value would it be were it not for the vine? Would it have any value except as firewood? And what of the tree to which it clings, would it not straggle along the ground, laying in the dust to be crushed underfoot by any passer-by? It would be a helpless thing unable to raise itself up, a barren creeper bearing no fruit.”

“So see what benefit comes from their union and learn wisdom.”

“Is not the tree named as a man is named and the vine as a woman is named?”

“We who are old see lessons in such things and in learning from them gain wisdom. The young are loath to even read to their benefit from the book which is always open before their eyes.”