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Where ya been?

Ha! I said I’d be posting something every day. Did you see what happened over the weekend?

Nothing! Absolutely nothing!

I had time, or could have made time, I’m sure. So what happened?

I see hidden in the corner of my [[consciousness]], this petulant brat who wants to snub his nose at all the demands of people. He just wants to be selfish. He wants some attention, some care, and some love. He didn’t want to blog anything. This is the part of me that gets sick of being ignored.

I tend to care for others around me, often times [[deferring]] to the needs or wants of others. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a doormat. I’m a [[peacemaker]]. I warm peoples’ hearts, ease their minds, their fears and worries, and share and inspire warmth, acceptance, and love. I’m not being arrogant, I’m simply echoing what I learn as those around me reflect what they experience with me. I’m very touched by their kind words. And I must take action and learn how to better care for myself.

This is where I discovered how deep my trust issues are today. I love people and could crush them with my love. On the other hand, a fear of trusting holds me back, creates judgements and barriers not to be crossed, [[rationalizations]] for inaction, and so on. They could be the biggies or the minor concerns of life. Sometimes it doesn’t act up at all, other times it brings on paralysis.

Without awareness, it is felt whenever life gets a little crazy. With awareness, I can begin to learn from it, dance with it, bring it out into the open, examine it, question it, and over time grow out of it. I just happen to be in a period of my life where there is an awful lot going on in both my professional and personal life, including finances, career, friendships, health, juggling, big choices, and so on. When it rains, it pours.

I think we all experience times like this in our life. Sitting here now, I can’t seem to see beyond the immediate struggles, though a faint memory glows back to my twenties and some of the struggles my wife and I experienced then. It was all we could do but to hang on. Luckily, we had each other to hang onto as well. Not this time though, this time I row the boat alone.

All I can do is hang on and endeavour to enjoy each day and make a point of having fun with the ride. Where that becomes difficult is when days bring on the more painful growing pains – whatever they may look like. My old habits begin to kick-in as [[hot-buttons]] get pushed (familiar with those?) and my focus turns to the negative worries and fears, creating meaning and form to events that may never happen and may have no bearing upon the reality in front of me. Ouch!

What a painful realization. I’m actually causing more than 90% of the pain I experience in my life. I’m told, and as my eyes are directed to see the truth, that is the reality for the majority in life today. The story has taken hostages. I cause more than 90% of the emotional pain in my life.

Society, my dear, is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow.
Arthur Stringer

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