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Surrender | Trust, Faith, Love | Personal Reflections

I’ve broke promises already made to myself with this blog. I recall one of my earliest posts said I’d post something daily, and that hasn’t happened. Lately, I’ve gotten a bit smarter about it and posted a number on Sunday to self-publish each day of the week. Makes my job just that much easier. However, that doesn’t mean inspiration won’t sneak in and plant a new post mid-week.

Today was a bit of a big day for me. I visited my coach for my own coaching session. I have recognized some things that are problematic for me – particularly when dealing with the opposite sex. At least, that is where it’s most painfully apparent as some needs continue to go unmet: You bet I’m paying attention!

Speaking with her about this particular difficulty, I expressed my frustration at identifying precisely what the problem is that I am having.  What arose surprised me.  She actually used the word ‘Chameleon’ when she began explaining the observation of how I “fit in” wherever I am. She hit a soft spot alright, and not one that I was afraid or embarrassed to face. In fact, I’ve often had a positive relationship with that part of who I am and have been.

This Chameleon is one that had to learn quickly to adapt and merge with new systems of places and people. Moving from birth, from one location to another, one new school to another new school, and from one confrontation to the next as I was challenged repeatedly to show what stuff I was made. Except once, there was no winning – it was automatic defeat by a landslide; a human landslide. How many of us shake our heads in recognition of how cruel we were as kids, often objectifying the behaviour by saying, “Kids are so cruel.” How hard it is to acknowledge what we too have been.

So this skill, unconsciously acquired since early childhood, senses the energy of the environment and people around me. I respond accordingly filling needs of others keeping peace, harmony, and balance. Often I seem the Fool with the show that I put on, all the while a piece of my heart crying out for ‘my turn.’ Such complicated messes our minds and emotions may have become. Adult traumas can trigger and amplify once dead-and-buried issues that have been left unresolved.

First, I must say that this is wholly a good thing. Frightening? Yes! Worth it? Absolutely! This is about becoming. Becoming what? It’s a fair question. You; you are coming who you have always meant to be. Not do.

Look, I’ll tell you something. This hasn’t been easy, and I don’t know what it looks like where I am going. All I do know is that the alternative is hopeless and painful, while the future embattled is hopeful. The irony is, the embattled part will be by my own creation as I deal with my own fears, unresolved and unexpressed emotions, strip away old and useless beliefs, and morph into the true beauty of expression that I’m meant to be.

I’m reminded of the caterpillar becoming a butterfly story I shared with a beautiful young child yesterday. Today, a quick text to a friend stated:

You cannot become what you want until you are ready to give up all that you are.

This significant statement has serious ramifications. Following it is full of land mines. I’ve walked a number of paths trying to determine how best to live and engage myself with life all around me. It’s tricky, it’s hard, and dang-it, it’s lonely with all these thoughts and emotions harassing.

You cannot become what you want until you are ready to give up all that you are.

How many pieces of you will you strip away before discovering what this really means? It took me years of toil. Today, I feel that I’m actually starting to do it – daily – even though I still wrestle with my mind and emotions. And like another text to a dear, dear client:

Trust, Faith, and Love: Focus upon these when stress bears down. They are sufficient, as are you. You are a good man.

My memory and text messages don’t give you enough to ramble like I do with my blog. Sometimes though, not enough often is more.

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