Do things really happen for a reason or purpose? There have been many instances throughout life when I’d doubt this explanation for unfolding events and circumstances. Yet, this weekend past, I had a direct and undeniable incident that screamed, “We misplaced your phone for that specific purpose!”

So what happened, you might wonder. Before I left the house I remember having picked up my cell phone and putting it in the back pocket of my jeans. Before sitting on it, I moved it to my coat pocket where I had a few other items. Some time later, when I reached for my phone, it was nowhere to be found, yet those other items were still in my pocket. This sent me on a wild goose chase searching for the phone.

I went back to the starting point when I first put my phone in my back pocket. I was beginning to wonder if I’d imagined the whole thing, picking up the phone and bringing it with me. Maybe I had set it on the counter at home while I sorted out other details before leaving. It wasn’t in any of the places I looked and I set about returning to the apartment where I noticed I was missing my phone. When I got there, just inside the back door, on the floor, was a huge rope of keys; one would almost have guessed they were some building or maintenance manager’s keys.

Wondering how I’d figure out who they belonged to, I started rummaging through the key rings and tags to see if I could find a clue worth following. There was one key tag with information and phone number for the TTY service, which I remember provides a telephone teletype service for the hearing impaired so they can have telephone conversations. I immediately thought of the fellow at the end of the hall on my floor.

Getting off the elevator on my floor, there he was at his door desperately searching through his bags and backpack for the missing keys. Looking up and seeing me coming toward him, he broke into a beaming smile when I lifted the hanging rope of keys out in front of me. Mission accomplished, I returned to the search for my phone, and found it within five minutes down the crevice at the backside of the seat I was occupying earlier.

Can you see a bit of divine intervention at play here?

All of us want to succeed in life. We want to accomplish something – to feel that in some way, we’ve “won”. It’s easy to get sucked in to thinking that we have to succeed on the world’s terms when, really, we each need to define success for ourselves.

What does success look like to you? Is it the model set down by your parents or grandparents: a steady job, your own house, kids? Is it what all your friends are chasing: big salaries, a huge television and a flashy phone?

When we point to someone and call them a “success”, what exactly do we mean? All too often, we mean that they’ve reached a high level of their career and they’re making a six-figure salary. But success is a lot more than how much money you make, or how much stuff you own…

Why Success Isn’t Money
We all know that money doesn’t make us happy. Beyond a certain level of security, having more money won’t make a difference – sure, you can always buy another gadget or splash out on a better bottle of wine, but will a few extra megapixels on your camera really matter? Will you even notice the difference between a $10 and a $100 bottle of wine?

A big bank balance might be nice to look at, but it can never replace the love of family and friends, or the sense of satisfaction gained by doing work which you enjoy and which is fulfilling. You could be earning $100,000 working a 60-hour week in a job which you hate … is that success? I’d say no, it’s not.

Success Isn’t About Having Stuff
Sometimes, we treat success as though it’s a game where we need to rack up as many points as possible. We think success means having a particular career, or owning lots of flashy gadgets, or even having a partner and three kids.

I’m not saying that your career or your family don’t matter – of course they do. But in themselves, are they really “success”? Is your unmarried uncle a failure because he chose to travel the world and work for charities, rather than buying a house, settling down and having a family? I’d say no, he’s not.

Success Is Living Your Best Life
So what exactly is success? Well, there’s no single definition. Success is about living your best life, and only you can say what that means. It doesn’t matter what your friends or parents or society thinks: defining success is up to you.

Perhaps, to you, success means having enough money to get by, and having as much free time as possible. It might mean getting recognition in a particular field – maybe as an artist or a musician. For some people (both men and women), success might be about raising happy, healthy children.

I’d encourage you, whatever stage of your life you’re at, to take some time to truly think about what success looks like to you. Is it really about having a particular qualification or achieving a promotion? Or is it about having the life which you truly want?

Have you bought into someone else’s definition of success? Is it time to start living life on your own terms? If so, what’re you going to do about it?

As ever, feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.

Written on 9/30/2010 by Ali Hale. Ali writes a blog, Aliventures, about leading a productive and purposeful life (get the RSS feed here). As well as blogging, she writes fiction, and is studying for an MA in Creative Writing.

Photo Credit: See-ming Lee ??? SML

For the sake of writing! There has been a hesitancy, even a fear or sense of dread, about writing on the blog pages of One Man Can. You see, the whole premise of the site, the writing, the coaching, the encouragement, was and is intended to lift people up, challenge people positively with their thinking, relationships, and professions. Instead, I found my own life being challenged and myself having difficulty being positive with the unfolding painful experiences.

All these ego busters and spiritual gurus telling us that it is all ego tends to become a real pain in the buttocks. As difficult as it is, the physical experience, the emotional experience, the mental experience, are all very persistent and real. I also know for a certain fact that many of these spiritually evolved people has demonstrated their own ego frailty just as easily as I do. Some just get over it quicker, others process differently, and some avoid it altogether, including the situations and people who might trigger their hot buttons. Me, I avoid public contact more than I should.

Well, time runs its own course if you’re not running your own show, and my ride still took me where I wanted to go, even though I didn’t know through the fog of my own changing confusion. Isn’t this what it is to come back to yourself? Conditioned by the system, the beliefs we grew up with, the education and social norms, so that you’ll fit some traditional mold so someone can bring cake to the party. When in reality, there was something very unique to you that wants to bust loose and live the life you were born to live.

You can fight it all you want. You can drink it — or yourself to be more precise — into oblivion, or you can get up and start walking that path. Everything that happens along the way is a guidepost along your path. The only question really is whether or not you have the courage to take it, and then to keep forging on ahead when you think you’ve got no more left in you.

I know you can do it. Do you?

There I was hovering over a busy ant-hill when thought I heard something. I leaned in a little closer to see what it was. You won’t believe it, but I’ll share it anyway.

“Do you suppose there is any rhyme or reason to any of this?” Dweedle-Ant posed.

“He He He! Of course, Mant! Of course! Just take a look at that cute little heiny and tell me that ain’t no reason. That’s a reason!” bellowed and guffawed Sext-Ant.

“Sure, if all that matters to you is thorax and antennae, Perv!” stated Iman-Ant. “Of course there is a point to it all, Dweedle-Ant.”

“Each and every one of us is a piece of a larger whole. The whole is the colony. While a colony can continue without us, it is no longer the same colony. The whole keeps changing, and yet, it depends upon us for its own existence. It is the nature of Life. Before the flower came the bud, before the bud came the stem, before the stem-the roots, before the roots-the seed, and after all is said and done, all that was the flower is returned to multiple seeds. These seeds varying in the sum totality of the experiences in the journey of the flower’s life.”

“So, you see, we don’t know and experience the future now. We pour ourselves into the now, knowing that a future self that is the sum of everything before (self-included), and aspires to even greater, will have more of the answers than we have now,” finished Iman-Ant.

Sext-Ant yawns and exhales, “Well you mucks can do whatever you want, or believe whatever you want. Me? I’m just going for more T & A, baby, T & A!” And sauntered off with a howl that dwindled to a chuckle.

Wow! They’re not much different than us, eh?

There I was hovering over a busy ant-hill when thought I heard something. I leaned in a little closer to see what it was. You won’t believe it, but I’ll share it anyway.

“Do you suppose there is any rhyme or reason to any of this?” Dweedle-Ant posed.

“He He He! Of course, Mant! Of course! Just take a look at that cute little heiny and tell me that ain’t no reason. That’s a reason!” bellowed and guffawed Sext-Ant.

“Sure, if all that matters to you is thorax and antennae, Perv!” stated Iman-Ant. “Of course there is a point to it all, Dweedle-Ant.”

“Each and every one of us is a piece of a larger whole. The whole is the colony. While a colony can continue without us, it is no longer the same colony. The whole keeps changing, and yet, it depends upon us for its own existence. It is the nature of Life. Before the flower came the bud, before the bud came the stem, before the stem-the roots, before the roots-the seed, and after all is said and done, all that was the flower is returned to multiple seeds. These seeds varying in the sum totality of the experiences in the journey of the flower’s life.”

“So, you see, we don’t know and experience the future now. We pour ourselves into the now, knowing that a future self that is the sum of everything before (self-included), and aspires to even greater, will have more of the answers than we have now,” finished Iman-Ant.

Sext-Ant yawns and exhales, “Well you mucks can do whatever you want, or believe whatever you want. Me? I’m just going for more T & A, baby, T & A!” And sauntered off with a howl that dwindled to a chuckle.

Wow! They’re not much different than us, eh?

Napoleon Hill audio shares the story of his first meeting with Andrew Carnegie and stories about his commission to write the Carnegie Success philosophy. During this time he interviewed a number of notable successful businessmen including Henry Ford. This video presentation shares some of the wisdom gained through his relationship with Andrew Carnegie and the writing of the Carnegie Success philosophy.

Recently asked what I liked about someone’s personality, other than things that are useful to me, I found myself coming up against a rock and a hard place. The very act of liking anything and anyone brings a sense of joy and wonder to a thirsting soul seeking satisfaction. Disliking does quite the opposite. How does a question such as this get answered with any level of honesty?

I read once on a list of Life Priorities once where the top item stated: “Choose the right partner. This one choice alone will determine 95% of your success and happiness.” I cannot emphasize enough how truthful and relevant such a statement is, in spite of all our romantic leanings, and desires to make-things-work.

Toxic workplaces have higher levels of absenteeism, and higher levels of mental health claims. Do we expect we would fare any better in a relationship that is proving toxic? So the question now causes me to turn to who would inquire about what I like about them, besides what is useful, and wonder: Why would you want to hear the answer ‘Nothing’?

Don’t get me wrong, we all have mediocre qualities we all could do-with or do-without and we’d barely notice. But that’s a big difference than the intent behind the question. In a personal and intimate relationship, the values, behaviours, traits, characteristics, and so forth, are either compatible and healthy, or they are not. Attraction happens based upon these things exhibited during a courtship. Over time, the real everyday behaviours, traits, and characteristics show up.

In every relationship between two partners, an agreement is formed in principle that there will be a common ground for respecting each other. How this looks in action often leaves parties struggling to feel that they are being respected 100% of the time. As well, none of us is ever perfect as we keep growing and changing.

It’s a give-and-take, and an ebb-and-flow, as it is with life. The better we are at following the give-and-take, whether it represents a short-term or long-term commitment, the better success the individuals will have, and therefore the better success the union has as a couple.

What do I like about anyone that is not useful? When I like, liking is useful. It does things inside me, like when you smile. Like when you whisper in my ear. Like when you giggle when you’re being silly. Or like when you’re laughing heartily at my jokes. Liking someone is useful. Don’t you think?

Deserted, alone, with nowhere to go, no place to call home because home is where the heart is, and even with the sea of people littering the cityscape, the silence of abandonment echoes deafeningly in me. Hunger for that connection starves rational thought, fed through years of abuse or neglect, and keeps the solution always just beyond the fingertips of my reality. I know it is there, if only I could reach out and grasp it.

Abandonment issues are troublesome haunts in people’s lives. How they are created is useful for each individual to understand; it helps move through the issues. Even without fully understanding their origins, it is still possible to move through abandonment issues. We often will never know what happened or why with some people in our history, and we need to satisfy ourselves in that knowledge.

Even by the measure of our own lives, we understand that people behave irrationally and very poorly at times. My life is rippled with choices, actions, and words said that defy explanation. Our goal, of course, is to improve upon ourselves each step of the way. Understanding that each generation has been influenced and socialized differently, we can accept their imperfections, and our own, as we all represent a rung in the ladder of progress for the human race, our family, and ourselves. Step-by-step.

Just because someone else failed, doesn’t make us the failure, or them a failure. The hardest thing in the world is to accept what is. Not trying to make it right, not becoming bitter just because we want to make it wrong. It just is what it is. People are people, I have my shortcomings, my family has shortcomings, and as far as I can tell, so do most people that I know. It doesn’t make any of us wrong. We’re doing life together, and in our insignificant ways, our individual journeys impacts the whole, and more-so when we’re connected.

Ongoing abandonment issues, from my studied perspective, resist change. At the very core comes a serious trust issue when confronted with letting-go and relating fully and completely with other people. The guard is up, the radar is (fine-tuned we think, but is) on maximum levels of sensitivity, and the archives are spewing all the old scenarios from the bad-memory-banks in order to prevent the same things from happening again. Nothing happens. Isolation continues. Abandonment is made more real.

God help me, I say in the face of such adversity. Existence requires purpose, purpose requires relationship, relationship inspires the best (and according to the level of relational health) in one another. Relationship can be friendships, spouse or partner, and others in communities we engage. Without any of these, walls cannot come down.

Bringing down the house means knowing these walls are there. It means recognizing them when they come up. It means finding the courage to open up and expose yourself and the fears to experience the event anyway, regardless of the feared outcome. Without DOING IT, the new experiences that will prove otherwise cannot happen. Positive experiences need to happen to restore balance, faith, and trust in self and others. Only you have the key.

Unlock the gate, and start letting that wounded heart beat openly. Hold in check the fears, feel the pain and do it anyway. Let your pain serve to feed your courage. It is simply there to remind you that you are alive, that you are courageous, and that you are on the verge of a major breakthrough experience. Keep letting them in, over and over again.

We all make mistakes, and we all have misunderstandings. Allow this knowledge to serve as a balance-point to create openess even in moments when perceived injustices are occurring. Quite often, the abandonment history has tales that distort the perception of reality. This often leads the mind to believe something is happening that is not. It also hears and understands things based upon experiences of the listener, rather than the intention of the speaker. So allow this openess to communicate, ask questions, give second chances, and give the process time.

Step-by-step, abandonment and trust issues can be overcome, and the peaceful knowledge and comfort that comes from nurturing a garden of friendships blossoming over a lifetime, with death both physical and metaphorical as people come and go, and time passes along with the rhythm of nature’s heartbeat. It is all transient, and we always remain connected on that heart level. Now trust, and let go.

From the archives August 28, 2006

Getting excited about life can sometimes seem elusive when we’re dealing with many challenges and the associated stress. We always want to experience the best that life has to offer. At times, this preference may have us trying to avoid the challenges life throws our way. Regardless of my preference though, life seems to proceed and the challenge is survived. Along the way, as multiple challenging life situations are simply allowed to co-exist, I discovered an important quality that sustains and fuels my spirit. Not only does this quality help with the journey through difficulty, it also attracts positive experiences that can act as a counter-balance. This quality is gratitude.

Gratitude is more than just acknowledging thanks. It is more than intellectual exercise. It is much more than an obligation. Gratitude is a state of being that appreciates all that is good and welcomed in our life. Gratitude appreciates from the mind through intentional thought that recognizes the richness of our emotional connections with others, and all good things that bless our lives. Relationships are the most significant source for virtually all experiences of gratitude.

Relationship is at play in every interaction and opportunity with another living being. This is one significant reason why pets have been recognized as having a therapeutic and healing effect on patients. The positive experience and exchange of loving energy is present in that moment creating a brief encounter of gratitude, love, and joy. The worry and fear related to a loss of health is momentarily forgotten allowing the fullness of the positive experience to work its’ magic. Taking hold of this perspective, if we acknowledge and allow this focus to become a guiding presence with every connection to another life, I wonder how much more gratitude would be experienced and how much more magic would be enjoyed? I have been enjoying this experience of gratitude and how it positively affects my outlook and each day. With this enjoyment also comes the fuel to go further, not just with gratitude, but also with every other area and dream for my life. A large part of this is the gratitude for the unknown.

The unknown represents the many surprises that show up every day. Too often, we’re so busy with our daily agenda that we don’t take the time to notice the unexpected and discover what surprise might be available for us in that moment. This is when the unknown can be thought of as the Unknown, the Mystery, the Universe, the Creator, etc. Whatever your belief system, there is an invisible element to the beauty and magic that has created all that we see and experience around us every year. Noticing the surprises that show up each day can enhance the experience of the unknown, strengthening the relationship with the Unknown, and increasing the experience of gratitude. With a focus and attention on gratitude each day, the experience of it in your body, in your being, heightens a sense of energy that could be thought of as aliveness. This energy, also a powerful and positive energy, attracts likeness. This is where it is important to know that gratitude is more than an intellectual exercise.

Experiencing, or feeling the energy of gratitude fully in the body is as important as the mental focus on those things you are grateful for. The mental process assists in the transformation to living a life of gratitude. The bodily experience will arrive with consistent mental focus, capturing the negative thoughts and replacing them with a positive thought, preferably combined within the context of gratitude. Consistent effort equates to practicing until this outlook and way of being becomes a habit – a positive habit that replaces one or many negative habits. As you can see, this is not an exercise of obligatory duty, offering kindness, thanks, etc., out of a sense of responsibility to others. This is an act for your own freedom and well-being.

If we are resentful we cannot experience gratitude. Trying to express gratitude out of duty to another is misplaced and misdirected. Gratitude isn’t about what you are giving another. Gratitude is about you – being in gratitude – and what it gives you. This again requires that some attention and focus must be given to the negative thoughts that are preventing the beautiful and powerful experience of gratitude. Inquire within yourself to understand the root that blocks your progress. Acknowledge the weakness once it is identified and invite the weakness to observe while you dance with possibility through exercising gratitude. In time healing and transformation will occur. Be patient with the process and yourself.

Too often we want to see results today, let alone tomorrow. As with the nature of all things, seeds need time to take root and grow. Even here you can experience gratitude, knowing that the Unknown is also acting invisibly upon each see that you plant. The best aspect of this possible reality is that it relinquishes your need to fret and worry about the results. This permits other qualities to arise within your being that also contributes to the fullest experience of gratitude: Faith and trust. Continue with the journey of gratitude and transformation knowing that you are going to see results without worrying what those results should look like. Don’t look at where you’re not, look at where you are and be joyous!

From the archives March 2, 2005

Too often today I read messages, books, and lessons that suggest “do not express your emotions.” Rather, it is expected that I “rise above them” and stay centred. There is some truth to those suggestions but it also ignores some steps.

Over the past two years I have dealt with the emotional turbulence that goes with marital breakdown, starting a business, financial pressure, challenging old belief structures, and discovering my truth for spirituality. Many times I was told, “let it go” and I would ask, “how do you do that?” I rarely received a reply, let alone an adequate one. Most often, I got a dumb look in return. You know the one, kind of a vacant stare.

Let it go is an expression for process. Let it go does not mean ‘do not feel bothered.’ Let it go means to engage, feel, and express your feelings. The danger of not letting go will store those feelings in the body. You’ve heard the warning; don’t bottle up your feelings. Bottled up feelings, stored energy in the body will cause greater and greater turmoil and intensity with each emotional encounter. Give it voice instead and you have let it go.

A baby can be happy in one instant, content, then bubbly and silly, to the loudest screeching at the highest decibels, suddenly laughing delightedly, and finally asleep contentedly. The baby switches gears easily moving from one emotional state to another. The baby gives full expression to the moment. You and I have been taught to not fully embrace or express our emotions. The instructions have been incomplete, contradictory, and self-serving.

• Anger is wrong, sadness is okay.
• Bottling it up is bad so let it go.
• You want a reason to cry? I’ll give you a reason to cry.
• Children are to be seen and not heard.
• You should be grateful for the pain.

Sometimes, these comments and the contradictions make you just want to run and hide from this insane world. You and I grow older, suppressing and controlling our feelings, biting our tongue, and learning to not burden others with emotions. One day, you suffer burnout, a breakdown, anxiety attacks, or a depression. One man I knew was driving home and went completely blank. He forgot who he was, where he lived, how to drive. This pattern of controlled destruction has to stop.

The next challenge is learning to let go as an adult. This requires an ability to communicate effectively and to be in touch with emotions. Too often things build up until a huge tirade and explosion takes out those closest to you and half the neighbourhood block. It becomes an attack instead of an expression of meaning. The attack adds more guilt and sorrow. Seeking forgiveness the sorrow and despair heighten as you are ignored for your outburst. Screaming babies are cooed, hugged, and comforted.

Emotions are important to the human experience. If they weren’t we wouldn’t have them. Don’t deny them. Don’t suppress them. Let them take voice as an expression of who you are, who you are here to be, and what you value. Don’t use them as a weapon to demean, belittle, or be vicious with another person. Emotions are all about you so own it and give them voice. I see a need for this to be learned and integrated back into our social fabric for a healthier society. Be the creative being that you and I were born to be.

Yesterday, I felt my emotions and I gave them voice. In doing so, I also gave voice to the values that I stand for and who I am here to be. I will live my life out loud, I will voice my passions, I will live my vision/dream, and I will be who I AM.