Denial: I have to wonder what this is really all about.

Over the decades, as psychology has gone more mainstream, it has infiltrated every aspect of our lives culturally and socially. It’s in our health coverage plans, employee benefits, in the movies, sitcoms, and even more in the advertisements. I’d say they’re having an influence upon our self and group consciousness.

Earlier, I caught myself asking a question to seek the opinion of someone else about my skill, rather than just toot my horn which was what I was inspired to do in the first place. I had just finished work on a project that made me feel pretty good, and true to joy, a little cocky swaggering was called for. Instead, I censored myself and tried soliciting accolades rather than be boastful. I puzzled over this turn-about and what influenced this censoring.

As I have studied and observed the human condition over the years, it has been noted that a steady surge has broken down communion among people by placing more emphasis upon personal satisfaction and fulfillment. With so much individuality pushed in the marketplace, advertising relationships, etc., the subliminal influences shift our value-base unconsciously. With there being so much negative media created to ’sell’ to consumers, the personal identity and place of the individual in context to family and community becomes obscured, questionable, and finally, burdensome, to many.

On yet another side, the self-help industry is so full of individual band-aid stories, that the people seeking solutions typically find themselves discovering more personal problems than they bargained for. It’s like reading the horoscope. There are enough generalities and commonalities among people that we can buy into a prognosis which we then make more real through our own belief. In addition, rational and healthy human behavior ends up falling under close scrutiny while answers are sought amongs all the expert opinions, programs, and books.

As I found myself concluding these thoughts, only one question remained. When will simply being a joyful and sharing human being be okay again?

There I was hovering over a busy ant-hill when thought I heard something. I leaned in a little closer to see what it was. You won’t believe it, but I’ll share it anyway.

“Do you suppose there is any rhyme or reason to any of this?” Dweedle-Ant posed.

“He He He! Of course, Mant! Of course! Just take a look at that cute little heiny and tell me that ain’t no reason. That’s a reason!” bellowed and guffawed Sext-Ant.

“Sure, if all that matters to you is thorax and antennae, Perv!” stated Iman-Ant. “Of course there is a point to it all, Dweedle-Ant.”

“Each and every one of us is a piece of a larger whole. The whole is the colony. While a colony can continue without us, it is no longer the same colony. The whole keeps changing, and yet, it depends upon us for its own existence. It is the nature of Life. Before the flower came the bud, before the bud came the stem, before the stem-the roots, before the roots-the seed, and after all is said and done, all that was the flower is returned to multiple seeds. These seeds varying in the sum totality of the experiences in the journey of the flower’s life.”

“So, you see, we don’t know and experience the future now. We pour ourselves into the now, knowing that a future self that is the sum of everything before (self-included), and aspires to even greater, will have more of the answers than we have now,” finished Iman-Ant.

Sext-Ant yawns and exhales, “Well you mucks can do whatever you want, or believe whatever you want. Me? I’m just going for more T & A, baby, T & A!” And sauntered off with a howl that dwindled to a chuckle.

Wow! They’re not much different than us, eh?

Tama’s Musings

The Secret to Healing: Feel the Pain

When we are on the path of creating the work and life we love, we will encounter pain. That’s a given. Yes, we will follow our bliss, and then rejection, fear, and confusion will find out where we live. How we deal with the pain will determine our success and joy. But most of don’t love dealing with pain.

Recently, I had a fit of insecurity, a bout of self-comparison, and then a melt down. It’s the same sorry broken record that plays again. I don’t want this pain to return. It has come so many times to my house and broken the dishes and kicked in the walls. But when it comes I feel as though I have little say. All my years of therapy and spiritual growth, and even teaching, seem like postcards from a foreign land. I know that this “pain is optional.” But in the moment, it’s the only dish on the menu.

Ironically, I am at a beautiful retreat center when this experience happens. There are ongoing workshops on meditation and healing taking place. I pause by a still pond. Barefoot meditators walk by me, smiling with peace. I want to trip them as they pass. I am not well, I tell you.

Heal my mind, I pray to any God who will listen. Take these thoughts away. I say the words, begging and demanding. I stomp my foot like a princess calling upon the powers of the heavens as though they are disobedient maid servants. Nothing happens. Evidently, I cannot even pray right in this pain.

“Try focusing on something positive,” I demand of myself. It’s almost embarrassing how much good there is in my life, and how I choose to lie down on a bed of nails instead. Seeing this makes me feel worse. There are children starving in Africa, and they’re probably singing, says my suddenly “spiritual” inner critic. Now I’m in more pain, thinking how wrong it is to be in pain.

That night, I talk to Nancy, a woman I have just met. She is a healer by trade. But more than that, she is a healer by the way she looks at me. Her face is as open as a window in springtime and her eyes have seen it all, yet look at me with burning interest. I feel the air slow down around her. I swear she is charming the molecules into sacred space. I start telling her about my situation, strategically inserting only the details that validate my cause, and make me look pretty good, not at all like the ragged and hostile character at her table. I ask her how to deal with the pain of the situation.

I am hoping she will give me some mantra or insight to make it instantly disappear. I am hoping she has some kind of talisman tucked up her sleeve. I am hoping she will say something to prop up my wounded, terrified ego, maybe something like— you’re obviously a rock star who deserves better treatment. Or better yet, here let me waive my magic wand, and don’t worry, just for you, I’ll waive my fee. Or worst case scenario, but still fine with me, I expect her to say, I know a woman who can tell you which mother in which past life did this to you. I know a guru, a therapist, a lobotomist, a drug dealer, I’ll get you connected. But she says none of those things. She says something I am not expecting. When I ask her “What should I do?“—she says quietly, “I guess there is nothing to do— but feel the pain.”

Part of me wants to say, “Come, again?”

But the wise part of me, the one that instantaneously recognizes truth, wants to giggle and toss jellybeans at her feet. That part understands and claps its hands.

“Feel the pain,” she says, and she says it with the kindness of a thousand years like water that has loved a jagged rock and smoothed it into shining. Her healer’s voice surrounds me with spaciousness, as though she can wait forever for me to take in this message.

I feel her recognize my sorrow and suddenly I recognize it—and I recognize that it’s okay to feel sorrow. I don’t need to deny it or make it wrong or try to sweep it off my doorstep and scrub away its shadow. The moment she says “feel the pain,” I feel as though the broken sorrows of the whole world are laid before me, the raw hearts of everyone, everywhere, meeting me in this single moment with knowing. Somehow we’re all in this together, and I would not make them wrong for anything—and, finally, I do not make myself wrong either.

This is what whispers to me in her words: stop running and come in out of the rain. Wrap your little girl in a warm woolen blanket. Let’s put on a pot of soup. Forgive your ego, your frightened one for its tirade, for demanding the moon as proof of being loved, for needing things to be otherwise, for taking offense because the wind blew a certain way—not your way. Take those tight shoes off. Why, you’ve been running away from your truth for so long, you must be tired. Here, let’s soak those feet in lavender oil.

The moment Nancy said, “feel the pain,” I didn’t feel lonely or separate from my life anymore. I felt as though I could be in this exact moment, in this exact state of mind. I felt as though she was asking me to allow God, the Eternal Lover of the Present Moment, back into my heart. I felt as though she was reminding me of my Real Nature, a presence so beautiful and vast, it could sit with pain of any sort, frustration, anger, betrayal, and welcome every wasp, spider, or aphid into the garden. She was asking me to give myself over to the medicine and instruction of this moment. Suddenly I realized I didn’t need Spirit to take away the pain. I only wanted Spirit to sit with me while I felt the pain. I needed to sit with this part of myself. I needed to hear her story, not to fix it, or agree with it, push it away, or try to change the circumstances that caused it. I needed to sit with this frightened part of myself. She needed to be heard. She would know how to go forward from there.

In the past, I have envisioned the Presence of Love sitting down by my side. It’s the Holy Spirit, Jesus, Buddha, the Hebrew Shekina, or the spirit of ten thousand sequoia trees. Strong Love sits beside me. Strong Love sits behind me, before me and above me and below me. Strong Love can contain anything. Strong Love can absorb the sting. Strong Love doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

In the end, pain opened my heart to myself. It’s always that way. I feel the love of the Universe when I feel my own love. I feel that love when I stop running away from any part of myself or any experience I am having. I am willing to feel the pain. I am willing to feel my love. I am willing to feel my life.

This month I invite you to sit with yourself in the middle of a feeling that is uncomfortable. Feel the pain. I hope you can hear me whisper this to you, with the love of the ages in my voice, a strength and gentleness that wraps around you. I have faith in your ability to heal yourself. I have faith in your ability to contain and absorb and dance with the truth of exactly where you find yourself in this moment. I have faith in all of us.

With my love and blessings,

Tama

©Copyright 2009 Tama J. Kieves. All rights reserved.

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It’s a psychological disorder.

At first, I thought it was a form of extreme cynicism. I was really annoyed nowing that being cynical is, in a way, being highly aware that the world we have evolved in is quite senseless at times. Being cynical means using dark humour to put in our face that this world is a total mess!

Right from the get-go, I started to elaborate on my own theory about this brand new disease that I just discovered. I understood that we finally came across a subtle strategy to neutralize the informers. From now-on, the rebellious would be labeled as sick. I couldn’t be more uncomfortable with the idea.

That lead me to reflect upon the fact that I knew that a child presenting bad behaviours, acting-out, or even violent outbursts, was often a child refusing to endorse the dysfunctional dynamic of the family. Contrary to what we generally believe, the child who is acting-out in such a manner is the one who is healthy! He is simply resisting his toxic environment.

That reflection echoed my own theory. Moreso, labeling cynicism as a disease was, in fact, a confirmation that this world we live in is truely incomprehensible, revolting, and toxic in so many ways. Consequently, people with a general sense of lucidity would therefore be diagnosed and medicated. Wrong target, but easy and disruptive target, worth getting “out of the way.”

All these reflections upon the subject were getting me nowhere but straight to craziness! This is when I picked up a book about mental disorder and here’s what I found:

“Sinistrose: A mental disorder displayed by a victim of a car accident or workplace injury. The victim is totally convinced that he/she is incapable of any kind of work, and therefore refuses to recognize that he/she is cured. The person presenting this pathology is amplifying the harm done to him/her (often in good faith) and in doing so, is inhibiting his/her good-will.”

(((sigh)))

Translated by : The author

Edited by : Lee Down

“So, what are you going to do about it?” he asked again. Listening to his friend lamenting his pitiful circumstances, this was the only question that made any sense. Even so, instead of answering the question, the habit was to respond lamely yet again.

“My day started off badly, and three years ago that other big thing happened, and now this other thing is about to happen, and I just am in a bad space.”

“So, what are you going to do about it?”

This is Life:

The Positive View Experience: Change, Growth, Challenge, Opportunity, Excitement, Adventure, New Experiences, New Values, New Ideas

The Negative View Experience: Painful Change, Forced Growth through Destruction, Obstacles of Painful Victimization, Repetitive Problems, Fear and Anxiety, Routine Immobility, Stagnating Experiences

Must Overcome

Life is a Story, and your life is Your Story. Many people trap themselves with the chapters already written, and the beliefs they represent thinking this is it, their lot in their life story. And yet, the reality is that the page of tomorrow has not yet been written, let alone turned.

Before believing this lot in life is all that can be experienced, take note again of the Negative View and Positive View experiences shown above and decide which perspective would best engage each and every day. Be balanced and aware that there will be good days and bad days. Exerting this decision again and again and again, in the face of all adversity, the Positive View will gain strength until the experience is one that can be owned fully and consistently.

Story of Life

Life has been ongoing since long before the human beast inhabited this micro-cosmic corner of the Universe. Life continued to unfold, expand, and evolve until such time that humans occupied planet earth. All throughout time and history, of Existence and Mankind, evolution has been a process of destruction and rebirth (growth from death and decay in many respects) that has brought all that we currently know to this moment in time and space. Is it always easy?

Adversity

Difficult things occur consistently to challenge and create movement in life. A seed pushes against all that resists against it to gain a foothold in the soil and find a way to penetrate the surface and seek light. A young bird leaps from a next and falls to the ground in a stunned heap with its first attempt at flight. The salmon fight overwhelming odds so a few winners can plant their seed to continue the pattern of Life for their species. We could go on and on with examples of life being challenging that demonstrates the natural order of Life.

Is it really serving us as individuals to think human beings are above nature?  To think that things should never change, and that the old ways were best? Above the need to experience adversity? Above the cosmic dance that we don’t have to contribute and experience with the realities of living in the physical world of natural law? Cause and effect is rooted in physics, and so are all that exist in this temporal reality. Or is it already eternity?

Persevere

It can quickly be seen that there are many things to focus on through bad experiences that can bring a healthy perspective to the experience of life. With a healthier perspective, strength, courage, and conviction, there is a girding of effort to create action and movement that engages life, instead of being a victim to Life.

“So what are you going to do about it?”

When you’re stuck, try asking this question of yourself. Take note of perspective, attitude, roadblocks, and see where the opportunities lie. We each have tremendous opportunities for our own unique experiences in life. Get back onto the path and start walking again.

Mission Impossible:

Your assignment this week should you choose to accept it: Start noticing your thoughts, where they travel, and how repetitive they might become. Find the courage to insert your positive spin. Remember the more powerful moments of you in your life history. To start creating change, you only need do one thing as you take action each day.

Be The Change

Amazing things happen for some people all the time. I wonder about that. I watch it, wanting to know the secret. Why do amazing things happen for some people consistently?

With a stronger sense of curiosity toward this recently, it has been a reminder to what I had already known and experienced. You too probably. Read on and see.

I saw the movie Yes Man recently, and true to form, Jim Carrey has me chuckling with his antics in another rather good movie. Aside from the typical humor we’ve come to enjoy and expect from Carrey, this movie also offers a great Life Lesson.

I won’t spoil the story if you haven’t seen the movie. You can tell from the title and previews that the comedic situations that can come about from saying Yes to anything can seem rather problematic. The beautiful thing we see though, is that saying yes, or more aptly learned by the end of the movie, getting out there and being available is all that is needed to make life happen.

Oh, that and a positive attitude and outlook. It’s all there in the movie, and as I’ve been observing around me with successful people, it’s everywhere you look when people are out and about in their communities engaging other people. Nothing happens when you stay at home.

I ventured to an event this afternoon in the arts/culture/fashion industry and accidentally discovered nearly a half dozen opportunities. Are you tired of saying No to what Life has to offer?

Wonderland
Originally uploaded by Hans Vink

They walked and came to a place where grew a tamarisk tree, and about the tamarisk entwined a vine holding many bunches of grapes.

The old maidservant said, “Behold this tree, of what value would it be were it not for the vine? Would it have any value except as firewood? And what of the tree to which it clings, would it not straggle along the ground, laying in the dust to be crushed underfoot by any passer-by? It would be a helpless thing unable to raise itself up, a barren creeper bearing no fruit.”

“So see what benefit comes from their union and learn wisdom.”

“Is not the tree named as a man is named and the vine as a woman is named?”

“We who are old see lessons in such things and in learning from them gain wisdom. The young are loath to even read to their benefit from the book which is always open before their eyes.”

The Secret, The Power of Intention, Think and Grow Rich, and a myriad of other top-selling spiritually-minded self-help books send off a vibe that life is easy. Well, they don’t say it directly, however, as an audience we hear all the promises for potential and miss a good number of the steps necessary to get to that state. Let me explain.

Earlier in my life, I recognized the hardships, endured, and grew strong. Leading into adulthood, this strength brought me through more challenging times of change that were lived more like an adventure. Somewhere in the mix, after about a decade, a series of painful life incidents saw a carefully crafted life and lifestyle begin to whittle away. This time, I did not recognize the hardships, I did not endure successfully, and I did not grow strong. Quite the opposite felt to be happening.

Fast-forward through nearly a decade of soul-searching, spiritual-seeking, attending religious gatherings, reading self-help voraciously, and desperately trying to make sense of these circumstances, situations, and reactions that I encountered. My perspective, my viewpoint, was clouded by the emotional fog that I was now creating. This is losing your mind.

You see, the mind is your most powerful weapon, and your awareness must harness that mind’s power. Otherwise, your emotions run amok with your mind, and your mind runs amok with your emotions. A vicious cycle begins. Once you notice it, focus it again to the task: challenges, problems, opportunities, and how to overcome.

If you’ve been struggling, don’t expect what ought to be natural will be easy. You will have to work for this. I am.

more on life, emotions, and harnessing the mind coming soon

Whenever things aren’t going well in life, it can be observed long after we’ve survived the struggle that all we had to do was make a change we didn’t want to, or were struggling with, or didn’t want to change. As the year of transitions to end a decade of transitions continues, I have at times been perplexed at the trouble climbing the hill. Try as I might, I kept stumbling and falling down.

Recently, the work, work, work, push, push, push, method I’d been adhering to crushed me with tension, headache, backache, etc. Yes, we’re pushing a new project up a steep hill and there are times when we can put in the extra effort. This wasn’t just putting in the extra effort. It was the underlying fear driving that effort. It isn’t a sustainable energy – it is a destructive energy. Turning it around, takes the indirect approach.

Balance is key and self-care is key. That fear suggested at a lack of trust – at its basic root – toward myself and my abilities to meet the challenges of each day and my future. Ultimately, that is at the core, even where other circumstances may also be present. It has taken a few conversations with some good people to gain perspective, to see what I was missing, and to relax into the positive nature that the proactive steps embarked upon months ago materialized today. Taking a breath, it is easier to see the other areas of life still in deep neglect.

Time distribution values all areas of One’s Own Life:

• Physical Well-Being
  • eating regularly and healthily
  • getting enough sleep
  • following as regular a routine as possible
  • getting some exercise
• Mental Well-Being
  • time alone to process, reflect, and let go
  • time to be creative and to recreate
  • stimulation from diverse sources of interest and exposure
  • develop the ability to quiet the noise
  • clear the clutter – physical spaces affect mental spaces (subjective levels of experience)
  • like-minded people for increased clarity
  • diverse people for challenge and growth
• Emotional Well-Being
  • find ways to give to the people around you
  • participate in community life
  • share your love (for things, subjects, places, pursuits, people, etc.)
  • find your physical expression partner – get over your belief blocks
  • be honest to yourself
  • stay in your integrity (true to your values, your heart, your gut, your instinct – not by another’s value of integrity)

As with most things, I’m certain you have more to add to the list. These are some of the things I’ve recognized the most over the years.

One way or the other, life goes on, and so do we. And if we don’t? So what!

Children are wonderful sources of love, life, laughter, joy, and so much more, including inspiration.

They’re also a pretty good example of “So What?”

One path is closed, take the other. Remember how much of an exciting adventure life was when we were younger? The trick is to recapture that zest and outlook again.

I guess I should realize my own advice more intentionally. I seem to want to keep bumping into closed doors repeatedly, thinking I can break through, until I eventually move on to something else half-heartedly and all bruised.

Keep following the open doors, and don’t waste too much time pushing against closed doors. Your life will move into much more exciting times this way.