Denial: I have to wonder what this is really all about.

Over the decades, as psychology has gone more mainstream, it has infiltrated every aspect of our lives culturally and socially. It’s in our health coverage plans, employee benefits, in the movies, sitcoms, and even more in the advertisements. I’d say they’re having an influence upon our self and group consciousness.

Earlier, I caught myself asking a question to seek the opinion of someone else about my skill, rather than just toot my horn which was what I was inspired to do in the first place. I had just finished work on a project that made me feel pretty good, and true to joy, a little cocky swaggering was called for. Instead, I censored myself and tried soliciting accolades rather than be boastful. I puzzled over this turn-about and what influenced this censoring.

As I have studied and observed the human condition over the years, it has been noted that a steady surge has broken down communion among people by placing more emphasis upon personal satisfaction and fulfillment. With so much individuality pushed in the marketplace, advertising relationships, etc., the subliminal influences shift our value-base unconsciously. With there being so much negative media created to ’sell’ to consumers, the personal identity and place of the individual in context to family and community becomes obscured, questionable, and finally, burdensome, to many.

On yet another side, the self-help industry is so full of individual band-aid stories, that the people seeking solutions typically find themselves discovering more personal problems than they bargained for. It’s like reading the horoscope. There are enough generalities and commonalities among people that we can buy into a prognosis which we then make more real through our own belief. In addition, rational and healthy human behavior ends up falling under close scrutiny while answers are sought amongs all the expert opinions, programs, and books.

As I found myself concluding these thoughts, only one question remained. When will simply being a joyful and sharing human being be okay again?

There I was hovering over a busy ant-hill when thought I heard something. I leaned in a little closer to see what it was. You won’t believe it, but I’ll share it anyway.

“Do you suppose there is any rhyme or reason to any of this?” Dweedle-Ant posed.

“He He He! Of course, Mant! Of course! Just take a look at that cute little heiny and tell me that ain’t no reason. That’s a reason!” bellowed and guffawed Sext-Ant.

“Sure, if all that matters to you is thorax and antennae, Perv!” stated Iman-Ant. “Of course there is a point to it all, Dweedle-Ant.”

“Each and every one of us is a piece of a larger whole. The whole is the colony. While a colony can continue without us, it is no longer the same colony. The whole keeps changing, and yet, it depends upon us for its own existence. It is the nature of Life. Before the flower came the bud, before the bud came the stem, before the stem-the roots, before the roots-the seed, and after all is said and done, all that was the flower is returned to multiple seeds. These seeds varying in the sum totality of the experiences in the journey of the flower’s life.”

“So, you see, we don’t know and experience the future now. We pour ourselves into the now, knowing that a future self that is the sum of everything before (self-included), and aspires to even greater, will have more of the answers than we have now,” finished Iman-Ant.

Sext-Ant yawns and exhales, “Well you mucks can do whatever you want, or believe whatever you want. Me? I’m just going for more T & A, baby, T & A!” And sauntered off with a howl that dwindled to a chuckle.

Wow! They’re not much different than us, eh?

One way or the other, life goes on, and so do we. And if we don’t? So what!

Children are wonderful sources of love, life, laughter, joy, and so much more, including inspiration.

They’re also a pretty good example of “So What?”

One path is closed, take the other. Remember how much of an exciting adventure life was when we were younger? The trick is to recapture that zest and outlook again.

I guess I should realize my own advice more intentionally. I seem to want to keep bumping into closed doors repeatedly, thinking I can break through, until I eventually move on to something else half-heartedly and all bruised.

Keep following the open doors, and don’t waste too much time pushing against closed doors. Your life will move into much more exciting times this way.

From the archives August 28, 2006

Getting excited about life can sometimes seem elusive when we’re dealing with many challenges and the associated stress. We always want to experience the best that life has to offer. At times, this preference may have us trying to avoid the challenges life throws our way. Regardless of my preference though, life seems to proceed and the challenge is survived. Along the way, as multiple challenging life situations are simply allowed to co-exist, I discovered an important quality that sustains and fuels my spirit. Not only does this quality help with the journey through difficulty, it also attracts positive experiences that can act as a counter-balance. This quality is gratitude.

Gratitude is more than just acknowledging thanks. It is more than intellectual exercise. It is much more than an obligation. Gratitude is a state of being that appreciates all that is good and welcomed in our life. Gratitude appreciates from the mind through intentional thought that recognizes the richness of our emotional connections with others, and all good things that bless our lives. Relationships are the most significant source for virtually all experiences of gratitude.

Relationship is at play in every interaction and opportunity with another living being. This is one significant reason why pets have been recognized as having a therapeutic and healing effect on patients. The positive experience and exchange of loving energy is present in that moment creating a brief encounter of gratitude, love, and joy. The worry and fear related to a loss of health is momentarily forgotten allowing the fullness of the positive experience to work its’ magic. Taking hold of this perspective, if we acknowledge and allow this focus to become a guiding presence with every connection to another life, I wonder how much more gratitude would be experienced and how much more magic would be enjoyed? I have been enjoying this experience of gratitude and how it positively affects my outlook and each day. With this enjoyment also comes the fuel to go further, not just with gratitude, but also with every other area and dream for my life. A large part of this is the gratitude for the unknown.

The unknown represents the many surprises that show up every day. Too often, we’re so busy with our daily agenda that we don’t take the time to notice the unexpected and discover what surprise might be available for us in that moment. This is when the unknown can be thought of as the Unknown, the Mystery, the Universe, the Creator, etc. Whatever your belief system, there is an invisible element to the beauty and magic that has created all that we see and experience around us every year. Noticing the surprises that show up each day can enhance the experience of the unknown, strengthening the relationship with the Unknown, and increasing the experience of gratitude. With a focus and attention on gratitude each day, the experience of it in your body, in your being, heightens a sense of energy that could be thought of as aliveness. This energy, also a powerful and positive energy, attracts likeness. This is where it is important to know that gratitude is more than an intellectual exercise.

Experiencing, or feeling the energy of gratitude fully in the body is as important as the mental focus on those things you are grateful for. The mental process assists in the transformation to living a life of gratitude. The bodily experience will arrive with consistent mental focus, capturing the negative thoughts and replacing them with a positive thought, preferably combined within the context of gratitude. Consistent effort equates to practicing until this outlook and way of being becomes a habit – a positive habit that replaces one or many negative habits. As you can see, this is not an exercise of obligatory duty, offering kindness, thanks, etc., out of a sense of responsibility to others. This is an act for your own freedom and well-being.

If we are resentful we cannot experience gratitude. Trying to express gratitude out of duty to another is misplaced and misdirected. Gratitude isn’t about what you are giving another. Gratitude is about you – being in gratitude – and what it gives you. This again requires that some attention and focus must be given to the negative thoughts that are preventing the beautiful and powerful experience of gratitude. Inquire within yourself to understand the root that blocks your progress. Acknowledge the weakness once it is identified and invite the weakness to observe while you dance with possibility through exercising gratitude. In time healing and transformation will occur. Be patient with the process and yourself.

Too often we want to see results today, let alone tomorrow. As with the nature of all things, seeds need time to take root and grow. Even here you can experience gratitude, knowing that the Unknown is also acting invisibly upon each see that you plant. The best aspect of this possible reality is that it relinquishes your need to fret and worry about the results. This permits other qualities to arise within your being that also contributes to the fullest experience of gratitude: Faith and trust. Continue with the journey of gratitude and transformation knowing that you are going to see results without worrying what those results should look like. Don’t look at where you’re not, look at where you are and be joyous!

From the archives September 13, 2006

A topic of interest relates to a dog, Sassy, who I take out walking Saturday’s and Sunday’s. When I took up the assignment, I was warned about the dog, a Jack Russell Terrier, and her behavioural problems. Avoid other dogs, hang tight around squirrels, she’s very aggressive, and so on. Everything I heard sounded wrong; it didn’t sit well with me as I listened to all of these instructions. Curious and rebellious toward the negative perceptions I decided to observe what was going on with Sassy rather than take everyone’s word. This results in a remarkable story of transformation.

The first couple of walks I proceeded cautiously, allowing her to experience close-calls with other animals so I could observe what was happening. Then I purposely allowed contact during subsequent walks, always being cautious and watchful around her behaviour. Oddly, with some dogs she reacted and others she didn’t. When she did I would assert Alpha dominance – canine pack behaviour – and let her know it was wrong and immediately followed that with comfort that everything was fine. This also included me greeting and engaging with the other animal so she understood fully from the experience that her safety and my safety were not in question.

In addition to this, this Jack Russell was only managing to get a 30 minute walk, morning and evening, for minimal exercise and a bathroom break. This is insufficient physical, mental, and emotional stimulation for the animal. Even though only paid for 30 minute walks, I took it upon myself to go further, expose her to more stimuli and activity. We discovered she loves swimming in the ocean, she loves chasing balls and sticks – the sticks she loves to chew into bits & pieces too. I even discovered toward the end of our time working together that she manages just fine off-leash and will follow along long walks with rarely a mishap – she is a dog who loves chasing squirrels after all. Sassy, I’m told, is 13 years old and we’ve all been told you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Well, guess what?

Not only did we experience the transformations mentioned above, we also watched her confidence and a calmness return to her reality. All she needed was someone to take leadership with her and to observe and understand the emotional response – flight or fight – that was occurring. Knowing the reason for the emotional response offers insight – not really necessary to bring about change – and patient love and attention turned it around. As all those immediate concerns vanished, we could venture on walks and take on new adventures. This is where, in addition to the transformation she’d already experienced, I began to do some obedience training and to teach her new tricks. In two very short weeks she would roll over on command about 80% of the time. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

People make assumptions and adopt beliefs all the time about what is happening in reality. Just because there seems to be a justification for the situation (the Jack Russell had been viciously attacked in her younger years), there is always a cause and effect at play that can be challenged and transformed. This experience resulted in a remarkable story of transformation that is really nothing like a transformation at all. It’s more of a coming home and being as a dog is meant to be. This causes me to think of what it means to be human, what we’re meant to be, and what might happen if people really had the freedom in their lives to be that picture of freedom and playfulness, or authentically being. Better yet, what if we slowed down enough to offer the attention and authenticity with each other, our families, our children, and our colleagues? Enough with the Meds already!

From the archives August 9, 2005

The difficulty in finding love that is good for you stems from the same difficulty you have loving yourself. For those who believe in God or a higher power, to not love yourself is to not love the very source of your existence. To not trust yourself is to not trust the source of all life. To not forgive and have compassion for yourself is to not have forgiveness and compassion for others created from the same source. What is this source? Call it what you will, all matter comes from energy and all energy comes from Source. Leave the scientists and religious thought leaders left to their devices to try and explain that. You focus on your relationship, to self and to source.

As we become more fully embracing of ourselves, having the intimate relationship that acknowledges the dark and light of who you are, you will bring more love into your life. Loving is vulnerable and the challenge is to be vulnerable to oneself first. It’s a scary place to go. After all, we’ve all heard enough criticism and judgement from others throughout our lives about who we are, what we do wrong, and what we don’t accomplish. When you have a dear friend who is being so self-critical, do you encourage and affirm that criticism or do you remind them that they’re human just like everyone else? Do you tell them to be gentle with themselves, thereby empowering them to try again? As I recall, I didn’t just hop on a bike the very first time and start riding like a pro. It took some practice and a few falls and scrapes. For that matter, after years of riding a bicycle, I still managed to have some rather nasty falls and run into parked cars when I wasn’t looking.

If you’ll be that supportive in your expression of love and compassion to another person, why wouldn’t you give yourself the same courtesy? Owning your power is to not give it up, to not give it away. Keep working it, keep learning, keep falling, keep picking yourself up, keep laughing, and keep going. Life’s just like that, so find the humor, the joy, the laughter and say F-U to failure. Failure only happens when you give up completely. Tiredness is something you create through negative thinking and self-criticism. Find energy in your optimism and your thirst for adventure and the journey of learning that life brings to you.

It’s a question of perspective. It’s all in the vibe baby!

From the archives October 12, 2004
it doesn’t matter what your challenge is in life, the same principles apply.

As children, hearing the fable of the pot-o-gold at the end of the rainbow, we were relentless in pursuing the rainbow. We were always sure that sooner or later we would find that pot-o-gold. Whenever we chase a dream, moving to a new city, a new country, taking a new job, stepping out as an entrepreneur, we are often times expecting to find our pot-o-gold. Unfortunately, life has a funny way of disappointing our dreams and disrupting our plans.

When things don’t go our way we begin to feel vulnerable. At times, we might revert to one of our childhood tendencies to feel that the world owes us a better result. I’m often disappointed that this is not the way the world works. For many years I have supported immigrants in their transition to Vancouver as well as other unemployed individuals seeking entry to the workforce. Many have demonstrated the most charming and wonderfully optimistic personalities. Over time, with unmet expectations causing so much disappointment, I’ve seen them succumb to despair, negativity, and a belief that something is wrong with whom they are as a human being.

The reality of these situations, and these people, is much different from my perspective. I see them for the wonderful person that they are and I do recognize their value, their history, their culture, their dreams, and their ambitions. Arriving here from another country, now in Canada, a land full of opportunity and a new way of life, so many dreams are born. Knowing the skills they bring with them, they expect there will be little problem finding work in their chosen occupation. As they forge into their job-search and seek out employment, they meet much disappointment early on. Rarely does this deter them in the first six months. But as times goes by and success is not achieved at the level they had expected, optimism falters.

Having spent so many years working in the employment services industry I can also see why so many experience what they perceive to be failures. There are as many reasons as there are personalities that experience these setbacks. The common elements often seem to relate to communication of the spoken language, lack of cultural communication – the unspoken language – and unrealistic expectations. The last item is a hard and bitter pill to swallow but it is not just immigrants that suffer here. Unrealistic expectations are also what affect so many Canadians.

When English is your second language, more time and effort must be focused on polishing your communication skills. You see, in the business world, as you’ll recognize from your own country as well, much communication occurs in the unspoken world of social and cultural norms. This not only requires the study of language but also the study of culture. Why do people behave the way they do in Canada? How do Canadians interact in office settings? Why are there so many differences from one place to the next? Why are men behaving the way they do towards women? Why don’t Canadians come right out and speak more directly? Make it a study and discover the nuances that will enable better success in the business world.

Foreign education meets much resistance in some industry areas and in others, must be strictly controlled where lives, law, and specialized knowledge of Canadian standards are required. There is still a long way to go before your experience and education receives the credit it is due here in Canada. For those whose experience can permit quick access to work here you probably wonder: Why are we so slow in recognizing your education and experience? I don’t know but I don’t want you to dwell on that either. Instead, accept “what is” and move forward with an action plan to overcome all of the obstacles preventing you from achieving the level of success you experienced back home. My favorite example is a friend of mine that I met at school. His wife was killed in a civil war and he moved here with his children. He was a mechanical and structural engineer back home. I’ll call him Stan.

Stan arrived here with low expectations. He knew it would take time to regain the level of professionalism he was accustomed. He set about looking for work that would enable him to learn what he needed to know to become an expert here as well. For two years he worked on the shop floor as a machinist. Learning, studying, practicing, and all the while he continued to do the other things with studying and applying for accreditation through the engineers association. He set goals, plans, and put them into action and two years to the day, he was invited to the front office to begin working on plans. This was what he did back home. Now it was just a matter of time before the rest of the pieces fell into place. Stan knew that it would be no easy ride. He set about finding alternative routes to reaching his goals. He didn’t settle for a job in a gas-station or a grocery store. He got involved with his industry at the bottom and worked his way up. He paid his dues. He was recognized. He was given a chance. Had that chance not been given to him, his plan included a contingency to leave after two years and seek out another position at a higher level. I would encourage you to read his story again and again. There are a number of important lessons that can be applied to your own struggles and your eventual success.

Disappointment is a common companion to the journey in search of the pot-o-gold. Getting discouraged and disappointed is normal. Feeling sad and angry is common. These unwelcome emotions are normal for anyone experiencing minor transitions in life, let alone major transitions. The emotional journey to this country and trying to establish a new life can really take its toll. If you let it control you and you begin to feel that you are the problem, you will surely undermine any chance you have for success. So simply put, I want you to know, don’t OWN any of the negativity that will come up. It will come up. You will experience many negative emotions. It does not mean that you are the problem. It means that you are struggling with disappointment. It means that you are human. Remind yourself often of the goodness that is in you, the capabilities that you have, and that you are an intelligent, able individual. Often times, our patience wears out before the goals are achieved.

Unfortunately, not everyone will be able to achieve their goals. If you were a lawyer, doctor, or another specialized profession, there are limitations to performing the same work here in Canada. It’s understandable when lives, safety, and public policy are at stake. There is much to learn and it may require much more than you are willing to invest. What are your alternatives? What are your goals? What else can you do? What are the skills that you’ve developed that you can translate into a new career? Pick something that suits all of who you are and pursue it with a single-mindedness that would drive your friends crazy. You’re starting over from scratch. Expect the worst and work the hardest. It will improve. Don’t give up.

Nothing in life is easy and many people, Canadians and immigrants alike, find themselves picking up the pieces of their life and starting over. Whenever you feel sorry for yourself, don’t blame, just accept. It only is what it is. You are human and like others on this planet, you’re feeling sad and hurt. The world isn’t out to get you. It only feels that way. But as with many immigrants I’ve met who have had remarkably positive can-do attitudes, you will make it and you can too.

As children, often times when we chased the rainbow in search of the pot-o-gold, it wasn’t the pot-o-gold that we found. Some days we walked home disappointed but most of the time we had many wonderful adventures and made other discoveries along the way. So keep your eyes open and your heart light; it improves your vision.

My heart and best wishes to all of you.

From the archives October 20, 2006 

I’ve been much busier lately. I’ve been getting out more, experiencing more, working more, and enjoying the ride. As a coach, I’m challenged to create my life daily rather than just go about life’s repetitions every day. Going about life’s repetitions for over a decade led to me waking up one day wondering, “How did I get here?” I hear similar views and feelings from many people. I read about it in the papers, see shows that reflect a similar reality, and meet folks at the coffee shop lamenting the same meaninglessness. Meaning in life is important. Rather than talk about meaning and purpose today, as I’ve usually done in the past, I’m instead going to talk about creating my life daily.

As I said, I’m a coach and one would expect a coach to have their shit together or to at least know their shit. A pun or two inadvertently enjoyed there. Now some of you are chuckling and yet, I wonder how many of you are also surprised to learn that a coach has problems? Well, again this would be a matter of perspective.

My business history involved problem-solving and creating and managing change, and these were two of the most common themes and talents I exercised naturally for more than a decade. I was good at what I did and I was good with people. I never saw what was impossible and only focused on what is possible. I rarely took ‘no’ for an answer and frequently inspired other’s perspectives to find the solutions. This is where a problem perspective has the opportunity to transform into seeing what is possible. This is a crucial moment of recognizing the power you have with choice. Choice has less to do with outer outcome or circumstances and more to do with inner being.

Being at choice is important to creating my day. Each day I wake up knowing what I don’t want via past experiences. This allows me to reframe the ‘don’t want‘ into a powerful positive ‘want‘. Stating verbally what I want energizes and strengthens the ownership I have for creating the life I desire. It’s useful to be specific as possible and yet, without data we have little information to be specific with; worse still, with bad data – bad experiences – we have incorrect or incomplete data to state what is wanted. Nonetheless, this exercise opens up power, choice, and possibility for what is to come on this day.

Embarking upon the journey today, I welcome each and every experience and social interaction. Where situations offer it, I am able to articulate and reframe where necessary what I do or don’t want in a given area of my life. Without specifics for what I do want, I may substitute the tangibles with intangibles; qualities that will satisfy my inner spirit. This exercise, being new in action or objective, may require some blind groping initially that are full of intangibles; until enough experience has yielded the information that allows you to clarify the tangibles. This is the art of creating your life.

It is knowing that you are at choice at every moment of every day. Even a non-choice is a choice. Every mistake or bad experience is useful information that offers insight into right action for future choices. Again, knowing that you are at choice allows for mistakes without self-blame. Instead, mistakes are met with gratitude and embraced to enact change that will bring about more positive experiences. Where the future cannot be envisioned, I can project my want with intangibles such as joy, fulfillment, love, or whatever other descriptor that will shift my energy to focus on the power of wants rather than the negativity of ‘don’t wants’. Then I enjoy the journey and the process and embrace the natural unfolding of me and my life. Do we ever stop learning about ourselves?

Try using any combination of the following to help you create your day:

What do I want?
What don’t I want?
Repeated intentionally: What do I want?
What is my passion?
What is my purpose?
What brings me joy?
What causes me to forget the time?
What do I want more of?
What do I want less of?

State as often as possible what I want.
Notice what I’m doing and how or who I am being.
Notice qualities, traits, characteristics, etc. about self and others.

Observe my beliefs and emotions:
Are they serving me?
Am I serving them?
What is it costing me?
What am I saying Yes to?
What am I saying No to?

Be courageous.
Be gentle.
Be patient.
Be love.

Great and tiring and crazy and tumultuous week that was one hell of a roller-coaster ride. In spite of the rough spots, it was a damn fine week.

Trying to “fill a role” is tiring, and hard work. It’s much more fun just to let go and be yourself. I don’t know about you; me? I have a wild fun-streak in me that is dying to come alive more often. You know what triggers it? Flirting.

I acted upon the urge
to not filter the thought, the urge
and I’m writing this to you
to express the need to purge this urge
all up and inside of you

I don’t know if that was ever written before. I just wrote it a few minutes ago and emailed it to someone I was lucky enough to meet online recently and exchange a few words. It’s a different world today. (I’ll speak more on the Social Media phenomenon another time.)

Every woman I date expresses fear and caution about their personal safety when they are about their daily business. I always hear, “it’s easier for you” because I’m a guy. Maybe I do take it for granted, but something about it doesn’t make sense.

I was bullied and beaten, at home, at school, and at play, from Grade 7 till graduation. It left a mark. And yet, I feel safer when I walk anonymously through a city any time of day or night, even as a younger, more vulnerable teenager and man. It has always been the people, many women (girls) included. Who shall cast the first stone? I really get riled when anyone does, and chastise myself when I catch me doing it too.

We’re all just muddling through the challenges of our weeks, works, and wishes. We need to lighten up and enjoy Life more. Life is Love, Love covers a multitude of sins (apparently), and your self-Love demands Life that experiences more Joy.

How can I pour my heart out in sufficient understanding to express this deepest wish for all humanity? It is not about world-peace, it is about your peace. Bust loose and live, be silly, be yourself, and be sexy.

Lee says, “Our mind is the biggest obstacle to living our life to the fullest.”

Life is just one crazy adventure. Control what fires up inside, respond positively, remain always “at choice” and you are truly free. You are not bound to anyone. Pick and choose, have fun, no apologies. Human being Human. Love.

When one door closes, another one opens. This irritating metaphor is more true than I ever realized. Often I’d panic when I knew what I wanted or felt I needed wouldn’t be in place anymore. I’d struggle with the feelings. With practice, I was able to shift my thinking, focusing on also shifting the associated feelings, and show some optimism and excitement for the unknown next step. It must be good – how else could all this have already happened in my life if it were otherwise? I’m here.