from the archives July 13, 2006

On the battlefield a fallen soldier will often lay there near death, expecting death, when a comrade will stop and offer comfort and aid. Encouraging and strengthening his fallen comrade simply through comfort, the yell will follow, “Medic! Medic!” as help is sought that will bring the wounded soldier the medical attention that is needed. There are times when death will come too quickly or help will come too late. When the help comes in the right time, the medical attention will quite often save the life of the fallen comrade and life goes on.

As observance is given to happenings in society today, I am left with the sense that too often we pass by the wounded soldiers lying on the battlefield of life. Life can be a struggle for many people for a variety of reasons. It’s easy to wipe our hands of responsibility, laying blame through our judgment, thinking ‘you made your bed, now lie in it!’ This scapegoat thinking dismisses the fact that people make the best choices possible with the information that is available to them. It dismisses the fact that not everyone has had the best opportunities available to them or the fullest access to their own personal power in making choices.

A young man, wet behind the ears, full of vim and vigor, races into the world to discover, to live, and to enjoy. The taste of freedom from the family structure – particularly from more controlling family environments – may lead to disastrous experiences as the ‘I’ll try anything once’ is lived out and embraced. This attitude and expression of freedom is not wrong on its own, however, the less freedom of expression experienced while growing up through the formative years often leads the young to explore and taste many new experiences as they now assert and discover themselves in the wild world context.

Another individual’s experience may be quite different. With limited life experience and much social conditioning through family and upbringing there may be rigid values and beliefs that have been adopted that also leads to unhealthy life choices. Family dynamics have a powerful affect on the decision-making of impressionable young people. The loss of personal power in this context may see others in life taking advantage of them, and of them making decisions that they feel obliged to make. In every life scenario circumstances and past influences shape who we have become, as will our future experiences.

As life progresses one poor choice after another can easily accumulate through the learning process. Some learn more quickly than others and some become entangled in messy life situations that leave the victim bewildered and confused feeling powerless. Healthy people know that much more is possible and that healthier choices can lead someone out of the pit of despair. Healthy people may also forget to recognize just how important their social network is in supportive friends supporting their own life journey, positive life experiences, affirmations of who they are, etc. For someone whose life choices have isolated them from such positive influences, the battle for freedom becomes a serious battle against the dark forces in life. Anyone who has had a taste of emotional fallout in a family environment, work environment, health situation, or relationship failure, can recognize a small taste of what that experience might be like.

In our society today, we would all do well to show more compassion and understanding of the battle that individuals face in their lives. Even the people who seem to have it all together and the silver spoon in hand may have some enormous demons that they’re fighting with secretly. The cry in my heart is brought on by the lack of compassion offered and the heap of judgement that leaves so many wounded on the battlefield waiting for death to overtake them. I encounter these people often and recognize the child within that is eager to please and wants to find a way out. I also see and hear the self-loathing and criticism that they have adopted after repeated mistakes are made and repeated abuse is heaped upon them by society.

Admitting my own discomfort, I am challenged to stay connected to such people. I do though, to the best of my ability. Can I impart a positive influence, affirming their worthiness, simply by offering compassion and understanding for the journey that led them to where they are? Am I offering myself as the comrade who is encouraging and supporting them to heal, calling out for the Medic myself as I hope the right help for them will come along? Or am I the Medic, applying first-aid and supporting them on the journey to healing and healthier choices. As a coach, I do see myself in a Medic role. As a man, I see myself as the comrade in the battle of life. I don’t have all the answers. I do know that my presence does make a difference.

A comrade never leaves the fallen soldier until the medic arrives and the medic won’t leave the wounded soldier there to die. In saying this, I draw our attention to the fact that our busy lives, our fears, or our own vulnerability often has us walking on by or rushing off far too soon. We prop up the wounded soul with our comfort and presence, lending a helping hand, a shoulder to lean on or cry on, and soon after run off to attend to our own lives, too afraid and uncomfortable to stay with this fallen individual. It is scary after all. Look how vulnerable the human being is, the emotional being, and the mental being. God forbid it could happen to me or you. The truth is, in my case, it already has happened.

I’ve made plenty of unhealthy life choices and managed to do well in spite of them. In turn, I’ve made other choices that seemed right, only to discover how badly they damaged me emotionally and mentally. I was married at the age of 19 to a woman 10 years my senior. Silly? Maybe, and I can also say that for a good many years that positive experiences and life circumstances made it a good lifesaver and life-saving relationships experience. I can also say that it ended in divorce 10 years later leading to the conclusion that it may have been an unhealthy choice. I certainly experienced a great deal of emotional pain through the ordeal.

I also had quit a fantastic career with a large corporation that had the potential for a comfortable living, ripe with all the fringe benefits, eventually resulting in a comfortable retirement package. This has been seen as courageous and stupid, depending upon the conversation and perspective. Which is it? Only time will tell. I recall the opinion I held as I lay in the hospital, near death, with a never-before experienced illness that had the potential of altering my life forever. At that moment, leaving that position and its’ benefits seemed to have been a disastrous choice. The financial crisis it created added to that belief for a good long time. Many years later, these experiences show another perspective as an alternative that has resulted in a deeper awareness and relationship of self.

There have been many other choices made in my life that led to more pain and misery. They seemed the right choice at the time, given the perspective and unique way that I looked at the world. I know my family experiences have influenced some of these choices. I also know that my involvement with organized religion influenced my decisions during another period of my life. I’m very conscious of the fact that people rarely accept their responsibility for the influence they asserted in any of my decisions. That is mostly fair since ultimately the decision rests with me. All the same, we all have an impact on others lives through our presence, attitudes, beliefs, words, love, or hate. I’m simply saying that we can acknowledge that fact, have more compassion, and create safer relationships that support better choices and healing when bad choices are made.

We’ve all been guilty of giving out bad advice at one time or another. We can often catch ourselves telling someone, ‘you should do…’ when in reality it is only what we might do ourselves if we were in the same situation. I can admit that I’ve given out bad advice in the past, based upon my own experiences and assumptions that resulted in disaster for someone else. I’ve always been worried about that. This is where we need to stop though. It isn’t the advice that matters or that is needed. It is the company, the support, the conversation that offers questions that will lead someone to their own answers. This also leads to intimacy, something that many people crave, and yet are very afraid to embrace.

Intimacy isn’t a term reserved for sexual partners, spouses, or our best friend. Intimacy is what we all crave as a human being – to be known and to know, to love and be loved. We engage in relationships since we’ve been toddlers being curious of others and seeking this level of engagement. It’s all of the negative experiences around judgement, ridicule, impatience, prejudice, abuse, control, manipulation, and more that have isolated us over time. We do open slowly when we meet people, and as the relationship and trust develops we open up. Even so, how many of us still have a dark secret that we haven’t shared with anyone? Fear of judgement prevails and keeps us separate and yet we are not separate at all.

The next time you consider ignoring someone who is in need of a helping hand in life; the next time you recognize judgement or an assumption creeping in as you dismiss someone; the next time you are about to say ‘no’ when someone asks for help, listen to this reminder as a voice calls out, “Medic! Medic!” Don’t fix, just create an opportunity for something to happen that can change the energy that dominates this person’s life. I’d also like to add that it is wise to let go of any attachment you have over results or expectations for how quick someone should get back on track. Getting out of the mess could easily equal the time spent getting into the mess. At the very least, your loving presence will improve the quality of that person’s life.

Addendum, March 5th, 2008:

Get Up! Keep going!

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Tama’s Musings

The Secret to Healing: Feel the Pain

When we are on the path of creating the work and life we love, we will encounter pain. That’s a given. Yes, we will follow our bliss, and then rejection, fear, and confusion will find out where we live. How we deal with the pain will determine our success and joy. But most of don’t love dealing with pain.

Recently, I had a fit of insecurity, a bout of self-comparison, and then a melt down. It’s the same sorry broken record that plays again. I don’t want this pain to return. It has come so many times to my house and broken the dishes and kicked in the walls. But when it comes I feel as though I have little say. All my years of therapy and spiritual growth, and even teaching, seem like postcards from a foreign land. I know that this “pain is optional.” But in the moment, it’s the only dish on the menu.

Ironically, I am at a beautiful retreat center when this experience happens. There are ongoing workshops on meditation and healing taking place. I pause by a still pond. Barefoot meditators walk by me, smiling with peace. I want to trip them as they pass. I am not well, I tell you.

Heal my mind, I pray to any God who will listen. Take these thoughts away. I say the words, begging and demanding. I stomp my foot like a princess calling upon the powers of the heavens as though they are disobedient maid servants. Nothing happens. Evidently, I cannot even pray right in this pain.

“Try focusing on something positive,” I demand of myself. It’s almost embarrassing how much good there is in my life, and how I choose to lie down on a bed of nails instead. Seeing this makes me feel worse. There are children starving in Africa, and they’re probably singing, says my suddenly “spiritual” inner critic. Now I’m in more pain, thinking how wrong it is to be in pain.

That night, I talk to Nancy, a woman I have just met. She is a healer by trade. But more than that, she is a healer by the way she looks at me. Her face is as open as a window in springtime and her eyes have seen it all, yet look at me with burning interest. I feel the air slow down around her. I swear she is charming the molecules into sacred space. I start telling her about my situation, strategically inserting only the details that validate my cause, and make me look pretty good, not at all like the ragged and hostile character at her table. I ask her how to deal with the pain of the situation.

I am hoping she will give me some mantra or insight to make it instantly disappear. I am hoping she has some kind of talisman tucked up her sleeve. I am hoping she will say something to prop up my wounded, terrified ego, maybe something like— you’re obviously a rock star who deserves better treatment. Or better yet, here let me waive my magic wand, and don’t worry, just for you, I’ll waive my fee. Or worst case scenario, but still fine with me, I expect her to say, I know a woman who can tell you which mother in which past life did this to you. I know a guru, a therapist, a lobotomist, a drug dealer, I’ll get you connected. But she says none of those things. She says something I am not expecting. When I ask her “What should I do?“—she says quietly, “I guess there is nothing to do— but feel the pain.”

Part of me wants to say, “Come, again?”

But the wise part of me, the one that instantaneously recognizes truth, wants to giggle and toss jellybeans at her feet. That part understands and claps its hands.

“Feel the pain,” she says, and she says it with the kindness of a thousand years like water that has loved a jagged rock and smoothed it into shining. Her healer’s voice surrounds me with spaciousness, as though she can wait forever for me to take in this message.

I feel her recognize my sorrow and suddenly I recognize it—and I recognize that it’s okay to feel sorrow. I don’t need to deny it or make it wrong or try to sweep it off my doorstep and scrub away its shadow. The moment she says “feel the pain,” I feel as though the broken sorrows of the whole world are laid before me, the raw hearts of everyone, everywhere, meeting me in this single moment with knowing. Somehow we’re all in this together, and I would not make them wrong for anything—and, finally, I do not make myself wrong either.

This is what whispers to me in her words: stop running and come in out of the rain. Wrap your little girl in a warm woolen blanket. Let’s put on a pot of soup. Forgive your ego, your frightened one for its tirade, for demanding the moon as proof of being loved, for needing things to be otherwise, for taking offense because the wind blew a certain way—not your way. Take those tight shoes off. Why, you’ve been running away from your truth for so long, you must be tired. Here, let’s soak those feet in lavender oil.

The moment Nancy said, “feel the pain,” I didn’t feel lonely or separate from my life anymore. I felt as though I could be in this exact moment, in this exact state of mind. I felt as though she was asking me to allow God, the Eternal Lover of the Present Moment, back into my heart. I felt as though she was reminding me of my Real Nature, a presence so beautiful and vast, it could sit with pain of any sort, frustration, anger, betrayal, and welcome every wasp, spider, or aphid into the garden. She was asking me to give myself over to the medicine and instruction of this moment. Suddenly I realized I didn’t need Spirit to take away the pain. I only wanted Spirit to sit with me while I felt the pain. I needed to sit with this part of myself. I needed to hear her story, not to fix it, or agree with it, push it away, or try to change the circumstances that caused it. I needed to sit with this frightened part of myself. She needed to be heard. She would know how to go forward from there.

In the past, I have envisioned the Presence of Love sitting down by my side. It’s the Holy Spirit, Jesus, Buddha, the Hebrew Shekina, or the spirit of ten thousand sequoia trees. Strong Love sits beside me. Strong Love sits behind me, before me and above me and below me. Strong Love can contain anything. Strong Love can absorb the sting. Strong Love doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

In the end, pain opened my heart to myself. It’s always that way. I feel the love of the Universe when I feel my own love. I feel that love when I stop running away from any part of myself or any experience I am having. I am willing to feel the pain. I am willing to feel my love. I am willing to feel my life.

This month I invite you to sit with yourself in the middle of a feeling that is uncomfortable. Feel the pain. I hope you can hear me whisper this to you, with the love of the ages in my voice, a strength and gentleness that wraps around you. I have faith in your ability to heal yourself. I have faith in your ability to contain and absorb and dance with the truth of exactly where you find yourself in this moment. I have faith in all of us.

With my love and blessings,

Tama

©Copyright 2009 Tama J. Kieves. All rights reserved.

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William Two Feather is of Apache descent. For over 10 years Two Feather trained with 3 traditional elders from 3 different tribes in the US Southwest.

During the past 15 years he has traveled the world lecturing, teaching, advising and also learning traditional healing techniques from other cultures including Japan; Australia and New Zealand; Italy; Greece; Wales; Scotland and many others.

Two Feather’s expertise includes healing; training spiritual warriors; advancement of practicing healers; working with youth and schools via tough love programs; individual spiritual consultations and improving the health of the elderly. He believes that teaching Native American Earth Music ™ is a means of healing and promoting self esteem in simple yet traditional ways. The foundation of William Two Feather’s work is in promoting peace and unity for “all our relations”.

After a long and successful career William is now transitioning from Healer to Author as he completes a series of books. The Book of Spirit is aimed at bridging the gap between faith/enlightened healing and science, while sharing experiences and knowledge with seekers in 12 languages.

• Day 1 ~ Introduction to Faith Healing, Saturday, July 18, 2009
• Day 2 ~ Intermediate Faith Healing, Sunday, July 19, 2009
  

For more information download the Event Brochure here: William Two Feather’s Vancouver Events

Also included in the Vancouver Events Flyer with William TwoFeather are:

• Free Lecture, Totem Medicine Animals, Thursday July 16, 2009, 7-9PM
  Vancouver Aboriginal Friendship Centre, 1604 East Hastings St. Vancouver
• Native American Wisdom Card Readings, Friday July 17, 2009, (phone for appointment)
  Master Gee’s Blackbelt Academy, 5508 Hastings Street, Burnaby

  DOWNLOAD FOR DETAILS

]]> http://onemancan.ca/concepts-of-faith-healing-with-william-two-feather/feed/ 1 http://onemancan.ca/the-cure-for-the-curse-of-abandonment/ http://onemancan.ca/the-cure-for-the-curse-of-abandonment/#comments Sun, 12 Jul 2009 22:30:07 +0000 leedman http://onemancan.ca/?p=668

Deserted, alone, with nowhere to go, no place to call home because home is where the heart is, and even with the sea of people littering the cityscape, the silence of abandonment echoes deafeningly in me. Hunger for that connection starves rational thought, fed through years of abuse or neglect, and keeps the solution always just beyond the fingertips of my reality. I know it is there, if only I could reach out and grasp it.

Abandonment issues are troublesome haunts in people’s lives. How they are created is useful for each individual to understand; it helps move through the issues. Even without fully understanding their origins, it is still possible to move through abandonment issues. We often will never know what happened or why with some people in our history, and we need to satisfy ourselves in that knowledge.

Even by the measure of our own lives, we understand that people behave irrationally and very poorly at times. My life is rippled with choices, actions, and words said that defy explanation. Our goal, of course, is to improve upon ourselves each step of the way. Understanding that each generation has been influenced and socialized differently, we can accept their imperfections, and our own, as we all represent a rung in the ladder of progress for the human race, our family, and ourselves. Step-by-step.

Just because someone else failed, doesn’t make us the failure, or them a failure. The hardest thing in the world is to accept what is. Not trying to make it right, not becoming bitter just because we want to make it wrong. It just is what it is. People are people, I have my shortcomings, my family has shortcomings, and as far as I can tell, so do most people that I know. It doesn’t make any of us wrong. We’re doing life together, and in our insignificant ways, our individual journeys impacts the whole, and more-so when we’re connected.

Ongoing abandonment issues, from my studied perspective, resist change. At the very core comes a serious trust issue when confronted with letting-go and relating fully and completely with other people. The guard is up, the radar is (fine-tuned we think, but is) on maximum levels of sensitivity, and the archives are spewing all the old scenarios from the bad-memory-banks in order to prevent the same things from happening again. Nothing happens. Isolation continues. Abandonment is made more real.

God help me, I say in the face of such adversity. Existence requires purpose, purpose requires relationship, relationship inspires the best (and according to the level of relational health) in one another. Relationship can be friendships, spouse or partner, and others in communities we engage. Without any of these, walls cannot come down.

Bringing down the house means knowing these walls are there. It means recognizing them when they come up. It means finding the courage to open up and expose yourself and the fears to experience the event anyway, regardless of the feared outcome. Without DOING IT, the new experiences that will prove otherwise cannot happen. Positive experiences need to happen to restore balance, faith, and trust in self and others. Only you have the key.

Unlock the gate, and start letting that wounded heart beat openly. Hold in check the fears, feel the pain and do it anyway. Let your pain serve to feed your courage. It is simply there to remind you that you are alive, that you are courageous, and that you are on the verge of a major breakthrough experience. Keep letting them in, over and over again.

We all make mistakes, and we all have misunderstandings. Allow this knowledge to serve as a balance-point to create openess even in moments when perceived injustices are occurring. Quite often, the abandonment history has tales that distort the perception of reality. This often leads the mind to believe something is happening that is not. It also hears and understands things based upon experiences of the listener, rather than the intention of the speaker. So allow this openess to communicate, ask questions, give second chances, and give the process time.

Step-by-step, abandonment and trust issues can be overcome, and the peaceful knowledge and comfort that comes from nurturing a garden of friendships blossoming over a lifetime, with death both physical and metaphorical as people come and go, and time passes along with the rhythm of nature’s heartbeat. It is all transient, and we always remain connected on that heart level. Now trust, and let go.

Most people overwhelmed by and completely identifying with a condition applied to their particular health issue might actually be able to overcome their challenge through exercising their mind. With a focused effort upon creating change within the mind and the thoughts that arise, the effects of the mind upon one’s emotions can evolve. As emotions affect chemical production of the mind, becoming aware and engaged in changing thoughts can also affect the feelings generated by the emotions as the battle for the mind is engaged. None of this means someone has been diagnosed incorrectly, it simply means that there is more available to someone in these situations that can affect change.

Life is difficult and challenging life circumstances disrupt people’s lives and health continuously. At times, these events can be much more traumatic than others, or someone could be in an already weakened state. Either way, the impact of events can leave a discernible mark upon the character of an individual that stems from their mental and emotional well-being. As with any diagnosis for an illness, the patient is typically wanting to get to the root of the cause and heal completely, and not just bandage things up through the treatment of symptoms.

Anyone exploring options can integrate this exercise of thought management, regardless of the treatment program. Having someone to discuss things through for perspective can be a great help. One element of thought management is the increasing recognition of the experience of Self. First, seeing the mind and it’s thoughts constantly bombarding, what kind of thoughts they are and their impact, and if those thoughts become identifying thoughts of the Self. Quite often, through our formative years of schooling and working, people are accustomed to the presence and use of the mind, often listening to input from outside, and shaping our experience and identity from that perspective. This can act up when a negative spark triggers a direction that is unhealthy, with negativity creeping in with more thoughts going unnoticed until it is too late to regain control. This effort toward change will require more intentional effort over a period of time to undo what has been done.

Secondly, an individual has to start noticing emotions and the affect they are having upon the present-moment experience, and the accompanying thoughts as we’ve discussed already. People do feel. The irony is that most people rarely understand that emotions can also be feeding unreliable data to our experience, framing its meaning from a past trauma, rather than a new possibility. This is how emotions can be created by the mind if left unchecked. With emotions triggered by the mind, more chemical activity occurs carrying physical feelings that reinforce the emotions and thought. A vicious cycle.

In mentioning feelings, it is important to also be aware of the body. Emotions express feeling which the body carries. At the same time, the body may experience a feeling sensation that has little to do with emotion. Illness, aching muscles, broken bones are quite obvious, while other more subtle energies are not so obvious. Being able to notice “feelings in a room” as a presence of energy is often experienced by highly empathic people. This is important to notice how the body also receives information, as the physical body is often much more honest than the emotions being experienced. Noticing and feeling the body can give an individual many clues about what needs to change, and a host of other personally relevant information.

Being caught in a State of being, whether it is in suffering anything that is mental, physical, or emotional, it is important to see that quite often people will identify their Self with that State of Being, rather than the true sense of Self that has experienced so much more in life. An ancient expression, This too shall pass, is a valuable ally in recognizing the ebbs and flows of our lives in this sense. Rather than get caught into the vicious cycle, notice the frustration too, and the mental wrangling as the dark and the light are fighting for the direction that heals or steals. Get on side with the side that is fighting for healing, and when thoughts of the mind are busy comparing between what could be and what is, use that desire and refocus that energy upon creating change from the negative cycles that are perpetuated by the mental and emotional experiences.

Paying attention, becoming more aware, the individual would become more conscious of the fact that they are “noticing” all that is occuring within their experience. Seeing it within the experience creates a stronger relationship to the real source of Being, rather than the State of Being. As more command is developed, then what it is to be Aware can be recognized, and in that open space the real information for the true self can rise up and overcome the state over a period of time. Time is one thing that cannot be escaped as yet, and the seeds of change must mature and grow, so patience is of essence in this challenge.

Awareness recognizes all that is happening with mind, body, emotions, and thoughts. Awareness also waits for the person to connect before it can become involved in creating change. It also understands process, that in a world of natural laws of cause and effect, much occurs on the journey of a seed becoming a firmly rooted tree. As all are subject to the processes of nature, healing for the body, obstacles to overcome, blockages to eradicate etc., are necessary to get life back on track. Being more aware better equips an individual to manage life’s challenges positively.

Being vs State of Being is about becoming right in the circumstances of life. It is a mental game that can be won by exercising the Self Awareness and bringing it into authority over the mind, body, and emotions.

Dr. Anthony’s Self-Confidence Creator!

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Best Friends
Originally uploaded by chefranden

Working and living the coaching profession, and being driven with the thoughts and questions that have fed these writings over the years, it was natural to begin finding emails arriving in my in-box along similar themes. Not always reading them, I’m glad when I do and find a treasure everyone can use and remember.

Quick to judge from surface appearances, we may not realize just how much is going on in another person’s life. Even with all the positives underway, the debris of years of tragedy, and/or pain, and/or health issues, etc., the trials and tribulations can leave the mark on someone, particularly when their life is so much alone.

• Check it out and see who is in your life, in your circle of friends, or struggling at the office, who could use an encouraging word.
• Check it out and realize where you are getting this support in your life and be grateful.
• 
  but I love to hug
  Originally uploaded by Beard Papa

  Or, check out where you’re receiving the opposite from relationships. Time to make changes and weed out those who tear you down, or ensure you have sufficient compensation coming from the positive sides.

• Careful not to cut off your nose in spite of your face though. I’ve also found that friction from others is also a great ‘mover’ and ‘shaker’ when you are stuck. How can you grow by the friction or challenges you face in life, and with others?

Ironically, we “get it” when we have this sort of conversation about how to raise and develop healthy children. What surprises people still today, is that the same is still true, and necessarily needed for adults struggling through hard times on their own. Let someone into your world and heart today. The only reason we’re afraid, is we think we have to be responsible for them. No – you’re responsible to yourself and your conduct, and tomorrow is always another day outside of everyone’s current control. Stop worrying and love now, and watch what will grow.

Here’s the email:

Together
Originally uploaded by Unhindered by Talent

Sometimes we forget to believe in ourselves and we need our friends and lovers to remind us of what makes us special. We can grow out of our darkest holes by being showered with love and kind words.

You are not going to believe this, but someone passed by me — just this second – with a t-shirt reading, “Hugs Not Drugs.” I swear! Talk about messages from the Light. That’s exactly the point. Why do we do drugs and other destructive behaviors? We don’t love ourselves. And that’s the gift our parents, children, friends, and teachers can give us. They can remind us we are loved. As John Lennon sang: love is all we need.

Today, burn through layers of a loved one’s doubt and shame with four simple words: I believe in you.

From the archives September 13, 2006

A topic of interest relates to a dog, Sassy, who I take out walking Saturday’s and Sunday’s. When I took up the assignment, I was warned about the dog, a Jack Russell Terrier, and her behavioural problems. Avoid other dogs, hang tight around squirrels, she’s very aggressive, and so on. Everything I heard sounded wrong; it didn’t sit well with me as I listened to all of these instructions. Curious and rebellious toward the negative perceptions I decided to observe what was going on with Sassy rather than take everyone’s word. This results in a remarkable story of transformation.

The first couple of walks I proceeded cautiously, allowing her to experience close-calls with other animals so I could observe what was happening. Then I purposely allowed contact during subsequent walks, always being cautious and watchful around her behaviour. Oddly, with some dogs she reacted and others she didn’t. When she did I would assert Alpha dominance – canine pack behaviour – and let her know it was wrong and immediately followed that with comfort that everything was fine. This also included me greeting and engaging with the other animal so she understood fully from the experience that her safety and my safety were not in question.

In addition to this, this Jack Russell was only managing to get a 30 minute walk, morning and evening, for minimal exercise and a bathroom break. This is insufficient physical, mental, and emotional stimulation for the animal. Even though only paid for 30 minute walks, I took it upon myself to go further, expose her to more stimuli and activity. We discovered she loves swimming in the ocean, she loves chasing balls and sticks – the sticks she loves to chew into bits & pieces too. I even discovered toward the end of our time working together that she manages just fine off-leash and will follow along long walks with rarely a mishap – she is a dog who loves chasing squirrels after all. Sassy, I’m told, is 13 years old and we’ve all been told you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Well, guess what?

Not only did we experience the transformations mentioned above, we also watched her confidence and a calmness return to her reality. All she needed was someone to take leadership with her and to observe and understand the emotional response – flight or fight – that was occurring. Knowing the reason for the emotional response offers insight – not really necessary to bring about change – and patient love and attention turned it around. As all those immediate concerns vanished, we could venture on walks and take on new adventures. This is where, in addition to the transformation she’d already experienced, I began to do some obedience training and to teach her new tricks. In two very short weeks she would roll over on command about 80% of the time. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

People make assumptions and adopt beliefs all the time about what is happening in reality. Just because there seems to be a justification for the situation (the Jack Russell had been viciously attacked in her younger years), there is always a cause and effect at play that can be challenged and transformed. This experience resulted in a remarkable story of transformation that is really nothing like a transformation at all. It’s more of a coming home and being as a dog is meant to be. This causes me to think of what it means to be human, what we’re meant to be, and what might happen if people really had the freedom in their lives to be that picture of freedom and playfulness, or authentically being. Better yet, what if we slowed down enough to offer the attention and authenticity with each other, our families, our children, and our colleagues? Enough with the Meds already!

From the archives January 21, 2005

There is so much emphasis on emotional intelligence these days that it appears that people are suppressing their emotions and problems in an effort to “fit in,” to keep their jobs, and using “positive self-talk” to muscle through the rough spots in their lives.

Recently, I had a friend over who has suffered enormous job stress during a time when his wife’s father was dying of cancer. Of course, quitting his job didn’t seem like an option during this difficult period, particularly since his wife returned to her parental home for many months to say good-bye to her dying father. That left him at home to take care of their children, pay the bills, and so on. Who can forge positively into a new job-search with all that going on?

After his father-in-law passed away his wife returned home and he lost his job – as did many of his colleagues – and his wife decided she no longer wanted to remain married. What else could go wrong? OH! Of course! His father could be diagnosed with cancer: He was.

Now he is living a complete hell, with all of this turmoil, and two sweet children looking to him for stability. Is it any wonder that people are cracking under the strain?

He is all alone and he tries to be “emotionally together” but that only causes more harm than good. We (society), in our need for order and stability, don’t want people with all these problems in our lives. We don’t want them working in our office. They’re broken!

Well, the truth is, our (society) expectations around emotional intelligence, and together, full-functioning adults, is what is breaking them.

I spent three hours with him the other night, acknowledging his horrific circumstances, his emotional turmoil, and gave him permission to embrace it all. He’s not broken, he’s experiencing emotional pain and it needs to be expressed, embraced, and worked through (processed.) It’s not enough that he embrace it either. Community is required to surround, love, heal, and regenerate.

So, when we see hurting people, don’t look at them as broken people who haven’t got their act together. Look at them as someone who needs a bit of kindness, generosity, and loving support. Watch the power those simple things can have in their life.

So, when we see hurting people, don’t look at them as broken people who haven’t got their act together. Look at them as someone who needs a bit of kindness, generosity, and loving support. Watch the power those simple things can have in their life.

Caveat: This does not condone people remaining disempowered victims for the rest of their lives. Our role is to embrace and still to empower, leaving the “wounded one” to take responsibility for their recovery. Embrace, love, and challenge!

Some time later, Spring 2006, I was working with an immigrant woman with a professional degree. Her life was not fulfilling on many levels, as the effects of transitioning to a new country and culture impacted the whole family and strained the relationships.

Have a read of the this exercise she did and our discovery:

As part of an exercise, she looked in the mirror and met the eyes of a long lost stranger. The eyes looking back surprised her as she met the sadness that lived deeply inside. She had betrayed herself and lost so much of her own self as she spent too many months, maybe years, trying to make her husband love her. Now, gazing deeply into that sadness, she realized how she had betrayed herself.

In a conversation with her friend, she heard a new perspective on the losses she has experienced and what she witnessed searching the despair in those eyes. The betrayal of self caused a painful discovery of how hard she had been on herself; judging and criticizing her weakness, her failures, and every other shoulder of responsibility that she could burden herself with. She had gone so far away from loving the woman she had once been. Reflecting back, her friend saw the sadness as she felt it too, and the sadness was love.

Looking deeply into those eyes, the sadness was not just the loss of what she once remembered of lost dreams no longer to be realized. The sadness was the sadness of the God within herself, her spirit, crying and aching for her to heal and remember who she was and that she was whole; that she was perfect and loved. The all-knowing God within knew her, her self-worth, and wished that she would come back to her Self, to her innocence, to her power. And she cried.

From the archives June 29, 2005

Most people get involved in a relationship for the right reasons and leave a relationship for the wrong reasons. In fact, most of us have been guilty of it at one time or another and of being a complete spaz demanding we get our way in the relationship. Remember the movie He Said, She Said? A constant power struggle ensues when you make the relationship all about you. So why do we do it?

I believe the reason this happens is that we make unhealthy relationship choices. In our deepest inner desires, we naturally long for companionship and love in our lives. In our haste, we choose unwisely and compromise for that “next person” that comes along to satisfy that longing. In this context, it’s easy to bend and flex because in the beginning we still don’t know that person. Then as we do get to know them, we find ourselves making more compromises because we don’t have the guts to fess up to our mistakes and all sorts of other irrational reasons rambling through our head to avoid hurting someone else. Bad move, fess up.

In our relationship goals, we need to be much more aware of ourselves, our habits, our desires, our likes and dislikes. The focus should not be on the person, the focus should be on the relationship. Even in the dating context – it could lead to something serious – we should focus on the relationship goals. What is it you want in a relationship? Who are you in a relationship? What do you need from the relationship? And, and, and… take stock and stay open to change, improvements, discovery and more.

When you can answer these questions more clearly and you find yourself able to understand what you can give to the relationship, you choose your partners more wisely. You also communicate more openly and honestly because it is less about you and more about the relationship; you no longer need to criticize them, you can articulate your feelings and needs. The other person can listen better because it is more about the relationship and less about them. And adjustments can be made so much more smoothly from both sides when we communicate on the relationship.

So look at it like a triangle. You on one side, your partner on the other. Instead of eyeballing and measuring each other, look to the peak – the Relationship. That’s your goal, that’s your partners goal, and you look only at yourself in comparison to the relationship goals. You’re teammates, you see the goal, and now you can work more effectively together.

It’s not about me, it’s about the relationship. Can I give that to achieve this in the relationship? Do I want that? Yes, then let’s do it.

From the archives April 27, 2006

The journey through life, full of many twists and turns, can at times leave you breathless, wondering where you went wrong. It appears that going wrong is the only obvious explanation for the turmoil that you face. With the soul parched, struggling to find meaning and purpose, the desolate landscape of a desert saps the life out of each step. With the heel dragging, the footfall landing on cacti, the hot sand blistering the feet, you don’t remember when the lush landscape of abundance deserted you. Yet, as I have ventured through many a long desert-journey as part of my life-path, I have discovered the desert to be an important aspect of a well-lived life.

Each person will have a unique life-story to live, a unique life-purpose to manifest, and a unique passion to embrace and share with the world. This is where the desert really does its most miraculous work. The moving dunes, the sun-baked rock, the flash-floods and weathered and shaped terrain beholds a grandiose beauty that is inspiring to the visitor. There is superb and profound strength found in such a place and a beauty that is hard to deny when the observant and discerning eye stops the chattering mind and really takes it in all the detail.

Often times the parched soul will be unaware of the riches that are all around as they travel the road of life this way and that way in desperation. The desperate struggle to survive this blasted furnace and seemingly desolate landscape causes an anxious panic as one mirage after another is chased into oblivion. Each time a mirage is chased, the traveler will come closer and closer to the lesson and learning that is screaming from within. This inner-voice of wisdom is difficult to hear over the moans of self-pity and cries of anguish and pain.

In time, the traveler will begin to settle as the pain of festering blisters and excruciating thirst bring the attention back to the body’s wisdom. Noticing the state of self and a quiet inner-voice, realizations of what is not wanted, the imagination begins to form a vision of what is wanted that will shape a new reality and reveal an invisible path within the desert landscape.

Although weakened and discouraged, the traveler slows the pace and balances the sight between the horizon and self; what is wanted and what is not wanted. As this awareness grows, panic subsides and surrender takes place, the traveler can now begin to see the fruit blooming in the desert. This is what it is to change the focus from an old lifetime of values to a new path to the truest inner spirit.

New values can be formed and discovering the great wealth in the smallest grain of sand, honoring it with gratitude and blessing, more abundance can be found, allowing the trail toward the oasis to reveal itself. Now aware, the senses are heightened and whispers on the wind tell stories of others who have traveled and learned on this road to inner-truth. Observing the nature of the wild new wisdom is also found and finding that first watering hole bringing temporary relief and refreshment to the weary traveler.

However, the journey is not over it is soon discovered and leaving the waterhole is a must. Staying too long will only lengthen the duration of the journey and potentially leads to new calamities as wildlife and other travelers come with their own stories to live. With a courageous step, the traveler ventures forward again back into the wilderness of the desert, momentarily overwhelmed with the inhospitable heat that wants to consume. Focusing the awareness again, remembering the lesson learned the sight is set back to the present and self, to find the balance between the two worlds so that insight will reveal itself. A personal alchemy is practiced with focus, intention, and attention, showing the way back along the invisible path that reveals itself to the aware. Each step brings many instances to observe and learn, to discern and hone, and the traveler gains clarity of what is wanted and what is not wanted.

The most difficult aspect for some in such an inhospitable landscape is the art of gratitude and yet gratitude is the gift to the teacher within who will grow stronger. Giving in gratitude, the teacher is able to impart the lessons judiciously and expediently, making the hidden path visible and straighter than the meandering wide road of malcontent. The malcontent traveler often finds themselves sitting alone beside the road panting with want while the grateful traveler finds companions that make the journey light. Even so, there are generous lovers of life who will extend a hand to the malcontent, if only they will pick themselves up after a period of encouragement and compassion.

Part of my life-story also saw me in the midst of struggle, blind and groping for the toilet handle so that I might flush the crap out of my life. With the passing of time, my experience lends to observance as my awareness grows and gains clarity. With clarity increasing in focus I clear out what I don’t want in my life and continue to make room for what I do want in my life. With quick refreshing experiences of what success may be, an overwhelming desire to lean into the momentary comfort takes over and I rest. Before long I realize I cannot stay here and must continue the journey.

On the first leg of the struggle my panic kept me lost, blind, and desperate. Then the observance of wants revealed a path as I watched for what showed up, and my gratitude solidified my vision of who I am and where I want to go. Again I continue, able to trust in the process, weathering the storm, grateful for the shade, the sun, the water, and each piece of fruit discovered on the way. The time arrives when I now see the lush green on the horizon, the desert harshness has lost its’ edge, and the truth of who I am blossoms forth bringing riches to the world.

The most miraculous and joyous truth of this journey is that the blossoming riches for the world are also for myself. The grateful heart, the giving heart, the observant wisdom, all know the intimate balance of the elements and forces of nature; not just the raw laws of the wilderness but also those of humanity and spirit. In honouring these lessons and sharing the bounty is service to humanity and to self, to Spirit and to spirit, to Love and love through the gentle art of generously giving and graciously receiving.