from the archives July 13, 2006

On the battlefield a fallen soldier will often lay there near death, expecting death, when a comrade will stop and offer comfort and aid. Encouraging and strengthening his fallen comrade simply through comfort, the yell will follow, “Medic! Medic!” as help is sought that will bring the wounded soldier the medical attention that is needed. There are times when death will come too quickly or help will come too late. When the help comes in the right time, the medical attention will quite often save the life of the fallen comrade and life goes on.

As observance is given to happenings in society today, I am left with the sense that too often we pass by the wounded soldiers lying on the battlefield of life. Life can be a struggle for many people for a variety of reasons. It’s easy to wipe our hands of responsibility, laying blame through our judgment, thinking ‘you made your bed, now lie in it!’ This scapegoat thinking dismisses the fact that people make the best choices possible with the information that is available to them. It dismisses the fact that not everyone has had the best opportunities available to them or the fullest access to their own personal power in making choices.

A young man, wet behind the ears, full of vim and vigor, races into the world to discover, to live, and to enjoy. The taste of freedom from the family structure – particularly from more controlling family environments – may lead to disastrous experiences as the ‘I’ll try anything once’ is lived out and embraced. This attitude and expression of freedom is not wrong on its own, however, the less freedom of expression experienced while growing up through the formative years often leads the young to explore and taste many new experiences as they now assert and discover themselves in the wild world context.

Another individual’s experience may be quite different. With limited life experience and much social conditioning through family and upbringing there may be rigid values and beliefs that have been adopted that also leads to unhealthy life choices. Family dynamics have a powerful affect on the decision-making of impressionable young people. The loss of personal power in this context may see others in life taking advantage of them, and of them making decisions that they feel obliged to make. In every life scenario circumstances and past influences shape who we have become, as will our future experiences.

As life progresses one poor choice after another can easily accumulate through the learning process. Some learn more quickly than others and some become entangled in messy life situations that leave the victim bewildered and confused feeling powerless. Healthy people know that much more is possible and that healthier choices can lead someone out of the pit of despair. Healthy people may also forget to recognize just how important their social network is in supportive friends supporting their own life journey, positive life experiences, affirmations of who they are, etc. For someone whose life choices have isolated them from such positive influences, the battle for freedom becomes a serious battle against the dark forces in life. Anyone who has had a taste of emotional fallout in a family environment, work environment, health situation, or relationship failure, can recognize a small taste of what that experience might be like.

In our society today, we would all do well to show more compassion and understanding of the battle that individuals face in their lives. Even the people who seem to have it all together and the silver spoon in hand may have some enormous demons that they’re fighting with secretly. The cry in my heart is brought on by the lack of compassion offered and the heap of judgement that leaves so many wounded on the battlefield waiting for death to overtake them. I encounter these people often and recognize the child within that is eager to please and wants to find a way out. I also see and hear the self-loathing and criticism that they have adopted after repeated mistakes are made and repeated abuse is heaped upon them by society.

Admitting my own discomfort, I am challenged to stay connected to such people. I do though, to the best of my ability. Can I impart a positive influence, affirming their worthiness, simply by offering compassion and understanding for the journey that led them to where they are? Am I offering myself as the comrade who is encouraging and supporting them to heal, calling out for the Medic myself as I hope the right help for them will come along? Or am I the Medic, applying first-aid and supporting them on the journey to healing and healthier choices. As a coach, I do see myself in a Medic role. As a man, I see myself as the comrade in the battle of life. I don’t have all the answers. I do know that my presence does make a difference.

A comrade never leaves the fallen soldier until the medic arrives and the medic won’t leave the wounded soldier there to die. In saying this, I draw our attention to the fact that our busy lives, our fears, or our own vulnerability often has us walking on by or rushing off far too soon. We prop up the wounded soul with our comfort and presence, lending a helping hand, a shoulder to lean on or cry on, and soon after run off to attend to our own lives, too afraid and uncomfortable to stay with this fallen individual. It is scary after all. Look how vulnerable the human being is, the emotional being, and the mental being. God forbid it could happen to me or you. The truth is, in my case, it already has happened.

I’ve made plenty of unhealthy life choices and managed to do well in spite of them. In turn, I’ve made other choices that seemed right, only to discover how badly they damaged me emotionally and mentally. I was married at the age of 19 to a woman 10 years my senior. Silly? Maybe, and I can also say that for a good many years that positive experiences and life circumstances made it a good lifesaver and life-saving relationships experience. I can also say that it ended in divorce 10 years later leading to the conclusion that it may have been an unhealthy choice. I certainly experienced a great deal of emotional pain through the ordeal.

I also had quit a fantastic career with a large corporation that had the potential for a comfortable living, ripe with all the fringe benefits, eventually resulting in a comfortable retirement package. This has been seen as courageous and stupid, depending upon the conversation and perspective. Which is it? Only time will tell. I recall the opinion I held as I lay in the hospital, near death, with a never-before experienced illness that had the potential of altering my life forever. At that moment, leaving that position and its’ benefits seemed to have been a disastrous choice. The financial crisis it created added to that belief for a good long time. Many years later, these experiences show another perspective as an alternative that has resulted in a deeper awareness and relationship of self.

There have been many other choices made in my life that led to more pain and misery. They seemed the right choice at the time, given the perspective and unique way that I looked at the world. I know my family experiences have influenced some of these choices. I also know that my involvement with organized religion influenced my decisions during another period of my life. I’m very conscious of the fact that people rarely accept their responsibility for the influence they asserted in any of my decisions. That is mostly fair since ultimately the decision rests with me. All the same, we all have an impact on others lives through our presence, attitudes, beliefs, words, love, or hate. I’m simply saying that we can acknowledge that fact, have more compassion, and create safer relationships that support better choices and healing when bad choices are made.

We’ve all been guilty of giving out bad advice at one time or another. We can often catch ourselves telling someone, ‘you should do…’ when in reality it is only what we might do ourselves if we were in the same situation. I can admit that I’ve given out bad advice in the past, based upon my own experiences and assumptions that resulted in disaster for someone else. I’ve always been worried about that. This is where we need to stop though. It isn’t the advice that matters or that is needed. It is the company, the support, the conversation that offers questions that will lead someone to their own answers. This also leads to intimacy, something that many people crave, and yet are very afraid to embrace.

Intimacy isn’t a term reserved for sexual partners, spouses, or our best friend. Intimacy is what we all crave as a human being – to be known and to know, to love and be loved. We engage in relationships since we’ve been toddlers being curious of others and seeking this level of engagement. It’s all of the negative experiences around judgement, ridicule, impatience, prejudice, abuse, control, manipulation, and more that have isolated us over time. We do open slowly when we meet people, and as the relationship and trust develops we open up. Even so, how many of us still have a dark secret that we haven’t shared with anyone? Fear of judgement prevails and keeps us separate and yet we are not separate at all.

The next time you consider ignoring someone who is in need of a helping hand in life; the next time you recognize judgement or an assumption creeping in as you dismiss someone; the next time you are about to say ‘no’ when someone asks for help, listen to this reminder as a voice calls out, “Medic! Medic!” Don’t fix, just create an opportunity for something to happen that can change the energy that dominates this person’s life. I’d also like to add that it is wise to let go of any attachment you have over results or expectations for how quick someone should get back on track. Getting out of the mess could easily equal the time spent getting into the mess. At the very least, your loving presence will improve the quality of that person’s life.

Addendum, March 5th, 2008:

Get Up! Keep going!

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From the archives April 27, 2006

The journey through life, full of many twists and turns, can at times leave you breathless, wondering where you went wrong. It appears that going wrong is the only obvious explanation for the turmoil that you face. With the soul parched, struggling to find meaning and purpose, the desolate landscape of a desert saps the life out of each step. With the heel dragging, the footfall landing on cacti, the hot sand blistering the feet, you don’t remember when the lush landscape of abundance deserted you. Yet, as I have ventured through many a long desert-journey as part of my life-path, I have discovered the desert to be an important aspect of a well-lived life.

Each person will have a unique life-story to live, a unique life-purpose to manifest, and a unique passion to embrace and share with the world. This is where the desert really does its most miraculous work. The moving dunes, the sun-baked rock, the flash-floods and weathered and shaped terrain beholds a grandiose beauty that is inspiring to the visitor. There is superb and profound strength found in such a place and a beauty that is hard to deny when the observant and discerning eye stops the chattering mind and really takes it in all the detail.

Often times the parched soul will be unaware of the riches that are all around as they travel the road of life this way and that way in desperation. The desperate struggle to survive this blasted furnace and seemingly desolate landscape causes an anxious panic as one mirage after another is chased into oblivion. Each time a mirage is chased, the traveler will come closer and closer to the lesson and learning that is screaming from within. This inner-voice of wisdom is difficult to hear over the moans of self-pity and cries of anguish and pain.

In time, the traveler will begin to settle as the pain of festering blisters and excruciating thirst bring the attention back to the body’s wisdom. Noticing the state of self and a quiet inner-voice, realizations of what is not wanted, the imagination begins to form a vision of what is wanted that will shape a new reality and reveal an invisible path within the desert landscape.

Although weakened and discouraged, the traveler slows the pace and balances the sight between the horizon and self; what is wanted and what is not wanted. As this awareness grows, panic subsides and surrender takes place, the traveler can now begin to see the fruit blooming in the desert. This is what it is to change the focus from an old lifetime of values to a new path to the truest inner spirit.

New values can be formed and discovering the great wealth in the smallest grain of sand, honoring it with gratitude and blessing, more abundance can be found, allowing the trail toward the oasis to reveal itself. Now aware, the senses are heightened and whispers on the wind tell stories of others who have traveled and learned on this road to inner-truth. Observing the nature of the wild new wisdom is also found and finding that first watering hole bringing temporary relief and refreshment to the weary traveler.

However, the journey is not over it is soon discovered and leaving the waterhole is a must. Staying too long will only lengthen the duration of the journey and potentially leads to new calamities as wildlife and other travelers come with their own stories to live. With a courageous step, the traveler ventures forward again back into the wilderness of the desert, momentarily overwhelmed with the inhospitable heat that wants to consume. Focusing the awareness again, remembering the lesson learned the sight is set back to the present and self, to find the balance between the two worlds so that insight will reveal itself. A personal alchemy is practiced with focus, intention, and attention, showing the way back along the invisible path that reveals itself to the aware. Each step brings many instances to observe and learn, to discern and hone, and the traveler gains clarity of what is wanted and what is not wanted.

The most difficult aspect for some in such an inhospitable landscape is the art of gratitude and yet gratitude is the gift to the teacher within who will grow stronger. Giving in gratitude, the teacher is able to impart the lessons judiciously and expediently, making the hidden path visible and straighter than the meandering wide road of malcontent. The malcontent traveler often finds themselves sitting alone beside the road panting with want while the grateful traveler finds companions that make the journey light. Even so, there are generous lovers of life who will extend a hand to the malcontent, if only they will pick themselves up after a period of encouragement and compassion.

Part of my life-story also saw me in the midst of struggle, blind and groping for the toilet handle so that I might flush the crap out of my life. With the passing of time, my experience lends to observance as my awareness grows and gains clarity. With clarity increasing in focus I clear out what I don’t want in my life and continue to make room for what I do want in my life. With quick refreshing experiences of what success may be, an overwhelming desire to lean into the momentary comfort takes over and I rest. Before long I realize I cannot stay here and must continue the journey.

On the first leg of the struggle my panic kept me lost, blind, and desperate. Then the observance of wants revealed a path as I watched for what showed up, and my gratitude solidified my vision of who I am and where I want to go. Again I continue, able to trust in the process, weathering the storm, grateful for the shade, the sun, the water, and each piece of fruit discovered on the way. The time arrives when I now see the lush green on the horizon, the desert harshness has lost its’ edge, and the truth of who I am blossoms forth bringing riches to the world.

The most miraculous and joyous truth of this journey is that the blossoming riches for the world are also for myself. The grateful heart, the giving heart, the observant wisdom, all know the intimate balance of the elements and forces of nature; not just the raw laws of the wilderness but also those of humanity and spirit. In honouring these lessons and sharing the bounty is service to humanity and to self, to Spirit and to spirit, to Love and love through the gentle art of generously giving and graciously receiving.

From the Archives.

Many writers and editors critique the wordiness of my writing. I encourage you to embrace that feature. I’m not just sharing head-knowledge. I am endeavouring to take you to a place that you can feel, know, and understand.

Love and life are funny things that often bewilder us, creating feelings within our body that are not really caused by any physical injury. Take heartbreak for example. Heartbreak is not a pain caused by a physical injury to the heart. The pain we feel is an emotionally generated pain, triggered in part by our mind based upon an experience. And what about that chemistry that jazzed the both of you when you met? Then wonder, “what more?”

Just as suddenly as the juices got jazzed you find yourself running, laughing, playing, and enjoying a budding relationship. You can’t believe you could be so lucky! You think about this miracle that came into your life throughout each day. You feel the energy in your body inspiring your life. You feel so alive! You know all of this though and realize you have to get through each day, keeping balance and perspective so you don’t neglect other areas of your life. Too bad about that really, it would be great to just walk off into the sunset and not have to worry about the realities of life for awhile. “Give us some time” I’d say, knowing that in time we’ll both come back to the planet looking to explore other avenues of our lives. Let’s get back to reality though.

Now, I can only speak for myself and others like me. I don’t fall in love to just walk away. Yet, too often, that is what we are required to do. As compatible as a relationship might feel or seem, timing could be everything. Someone’s distortion could have their values out of whack. Knowing the inner-qualities of each other, you could have even been certain that you’d never be dropped for material reasons. This love, this woman, or this man, is deeper than that. It’s there, in all the journals, in every conversation, in the eyes, and the vision for the future. Then life shows up and serves some humble pie.

Bad things happen to good people all the time. Someone is struck ill with a serious illness and before long the retirement savings are gone. The recovery can take months or even years, if at all – for some. The physical toll can be too great for some people to handle. The emotional stamina required to endure the trials may be to costly to another. The financial strain may threaten a required sense of security for others. For the person it is all happening to, it can have profound and life-changing impact.

Deep loss is experienced as an old identity passes away and a new identity comes into being. Death and birth, experiences equally bound in both pleasure and pain. Not just a physical death, a psychological death. Not just a physical birth, a metaphysical birth. Some people end up lost in the bottom of a bottle while others stab out the misery with a needle; both scenarios leading to more misery and death. These are just examples, the scenarios are limitless. Some recover, some don’t. Death isn’t the only thing that can kill you.

In spite of what we see on the streets and played out in the drama of each others’ lives, miracles still happen all the time. These miracles happen even through the loss and in spite of loss. Someone may truly be gone forever and yet, someone else is saved as a result. An illness could miraculously disappear, leaving no trace of ever having been there. Financial ruin could bring two closer together, empowering and strengthening beyond what each could do individually. Important changes in society could come about as lives are radically changed through tribulation.

Too often judgment is heard spilling from lips of those who don’t know or are arrogant. If you’ve ever fallen, why would you laugh at another who has fallen? You remember what it was like. You understand the pain and even the embarrassment you felt. You remember the judgment others threw in your face. Everybody hurts, sometimes. Judgment, ridicule, laughter, and self-righteousness are uncomfortable disguises of your own frailty. Bad things happen to good people all the time. It could happen to you. This is uncomfortable to admit. It recognizes your powerlessness to control every aspect of living your physical life on earth. You only control your response, reaction, your attitude.

As for the hurt that comes with the human experience, the shift in perspective can view the emotional pain as a good thing. The ache in the heart chakra is a blessing of your aliveness. It affirms your divine capacity to love another being. The ache that comes with the turmoil of disappointments affirms your love of self. The ache that comes with betrayal in society affirms your connection and love to your fellow beings. You are a divine creature living in a physical world. Lifting the veil, seeing your own inner-spirit, you will experience and observe and learn to be with the aching emotions. Make that your challenge – to ‘be with’ the pain and witness it as a good experience. Shift your perspective to see that your spiritual being is embracing each experience and will rise above each experience.

This brings me full-circle, right back to heartbreak. Don’t run away from love. Don’t run away from loving another. Run away from fear. Run away from doubt. There is power in love and it is the only thing that you have in life that cannot be taken away. Health: Who knows when, if, what, or why, but you could be hit. Money: That balance sheet is all over the place and depends a lot on other circumstances that may be beyond your control. And what will you give up for that? Too many look for the bling without really seeing the stars. If you’re wondering where to look, try deep into the eyes of the other.

Yesterday I shared a significant insight from my own journey. It’s interesting to note that often a powerfully resistant question crops up almost immediately.

“What do you mean?”

It is a powerful disbelief because this realization places even more responsibility on my doorstep than I had otherwise felt real. This is where the sh1t has to get off the pot.

I’m shaken to my core, fully recognizing and not wanting to look, that I simply had to choose. Even in not choosing, wanting to keep the peace, or compromising for meaningless reasons that had nothing to do with me. And yet, they had everything to do with me. I chose NOT to be who I am, pursue my dreams, or whatever other sob story I might have adopted at some chapter of my life.

Inside my body a turbulence is felt, like moments before stepping out on stage for a Grade 3 Christmas recital, or whatever it is called these days. I’m queasy, uncertain, struggling, faltering, stumbling, and crumbling at any moment of any day while faced with myriads of choices that I previously refused to entertain. Why? I wasn’t good enough, deserving enough, capable enough, strong enough, and on, and on. I have done this, on and off, during my life. Maybe we all have. I don’t know. If you’re reading this and nodding your head, then good, we’re not alone.

Now all I have to do is manage the thoughts. However, something about my sensory experience adds a potential complication. I feel things and those feelings often create thoughts. It doesn’t always happen, or more accurately I choose not to pay that close attention to them. For example, I felt my stomach drop out of me (you know the sensation?) and asked the woman about her experience while she was on the phone. It was confirmed that my experience matched hers at the exact time. I haven’t discerned what to do with this talent and curse, other than to run from it. This, too, was a mistake.

The only way is to stand, to be counted, to step forth, to be curious, to be joyful, and to explore life. This starts with trust; trust in myself and in the divine magic of life that exists of its’ own accord. Science can even acknowledge that.

Ha! I said I’d be posting something every day. Did you see what happened over the weekend?

Nothing! Absolutely nothing!

I had time, or could have made time, I’m sure. So what happened?

I see hidden in the corner of my [[consciousness]], this petulant brat who wants to snub his nose at all the demands of people. He just wants to be selfish. He wants some attention, some care, and some love. He didn’t want to blog anything. This is the part of me that gets sick of being ignored.

I tend to care for others around me, often times [[deferring]] to the needs or wants of others. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a doormat. I’m a [[peacemaker]]. I warm peoples’ hearts, ease their minds, their fears and worries, and share and inspire warmth, acceptance, and love. I’m not being arrogant, I’m simply echoing what I learn as those around me reflect what they experience with me. I’m very touched by their kind words. And I must take action and learn how to better care for myself.

This is where I discovered how deep my trust issues are today. I love people and could crush them with my love. On the other hand, a fear of trusting holds me back, creates judgements and barriers not to be crossed, [[rationalizations]] for inaction, and so on. They could be the biggies or the minor concerns of life. Sometimes it doesn’t act up at all, other times it brings on paralysis.

Without awareness, it is felt whenever life gets a little crazy. With awareness, I can begin to learn from it, dance with it, bring it out into the open, examine it, question it, and over time grow out of it. I just happen to be in a period of my life where there is an awful lot going on in both my professional and personal life, including finances, career, friendships, health, juggling, big choices, and so on. When it rains, it pours.

I think we all experience times like this in our life. Sitting here now, I can’t seem to see beyond the immediate struggles, though a faint memory glows back to my twenties and some of the struggles my wife and I experienced then. It was all we could do but to hang on. Luckily, we had each other to hang onto as well. Not this time though, this time I row the boat alone.

All I can do is hang on and endeavour to enjoy each day and make a point of having fun with the ride. Where that becomes difficult is when days bring on the more painful growing pains – whatever they may look like. My old habits begin to kick-in as [[hot-buttons]] get pushed (familiar with those?) and my focus turns to the negative worries and fears, creating meaning and form to events that may never happen and may have no bearing upon the reality in front of me. Ouch!

What a painful realization. I’m actually causing more than 90% of the pain I experience in my life. I’m told, and as my eyes are directed to see the truth, that is the reality for the majority in life today. The story has taken hostages. I cause more than 90% of the emotional pain in my life.

Society, my dear, is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow.
- Arthur Stringer

I’m a guy, and I don’t want to cry. It is not something that is easy to explain, nor easy to share. Gawd, why am I even writing about this? Well, this week has been spent in half day workshops with an [[eclectic]] group of men from all walks of life. I have to say, it is my first experience with a group of men, versus co-ed, and I’m quite enjoying the experience. As the group spends more time together, we increase our comfort to experience more deeply. And what we’re talking about often are [[emotions]].

What I didn’t expect from this experience was a surfacing of buried pain. The tears burned inside me, wanting desperately to escape. I can’t do it, I can’t bring myself to cry. The lurking force feels to powerful for my comfort and self-control. It is a man thing, I’m sure. I don’t know why, other than the fact that many of us men [[commiserate]] this challenge in our lives. Not just to express the tears, but also, to finesse, understand, communicate, and master a full-range of emotions. Inhibiting emotions has been part of the boyhood rituals since as far back as I can remember.

Today, the pain in my soul, the grief in my heart, cried out for expression. Where in the past, uncomfortable emotions would be cause for battle, they are now a call to surrender. I’ve gotten better at this by simply being with the emotions, rather than running away by trying to suppress them, or to channel them into some other truly negative or destructive outlet. As I sit with them, I discover how much love is in my heart, and the grief that is causing all this emotional pain.

A sibling’s senseless death, the devastated family, divorced twice, financial difficulty, health crisis, near death experience, and a myriad of other personal story items have left a mark on my heart. The difficult gift in this is the heart for humanity that empathizes with every broken heart, every broken soul, and outrages against injustice, while flailing in what seems a sea of hopelessness against a multi-generational structure called society steaming down the rails of extinction. I’m only summing up a history, and still the question comes up sometimes, “What can a man do?”

I don’t have to go far to see tragedy. I could easily find a sad story every day. People, like you and me, we all played together when we were 5 and 6 year olds. Our lives were [[magnificent]]; we were magnificent! As Life happens, our paths become our roles in a [[schema]] already established, or so it sometimes seems. There are good times and bad times, yet somehow, there are those who weather the storms, and those who drown.

See him? The sleeping bag, barefoot, shuffling along, with long scruffy light-brown hair, and ragged pants dragging. He was a school teacher, a smart and kind guy. He never asks for money, never imposes upon anybody. What happened? Was he the kid who once helped me when I was little? He could have been. It’s sad. I harden myself. It is near impossible to carry this for every lost soul. Why are there so many today?

You see, this may seem silly. Yet, I don’t know what other way to describe the battle within. This is where I had come to as I questioned these tears, when a realization came that tears release that pain and it won’t be held by the body festering into a storm. Yet, and still I’m a guy, and I struggle to just let go. Ironically, given the right company, the safe space has been created that facilitated those tears. And a piece (peace) was healed.

What am I afraid of? I wonder.