There I was hovering over a busy ant-hill when thought I heard something. I leaned in a little closer to see what it was. You won’t believe it, but I’ll share it anyway.

“Do you suppose there is any rhyme or reason to any of this?” Dweedle-Ant posed.

“He He He! Of course, Mant! Of course! Just take a look at that cute little heiny and tell me that ain’t no reason. That’s a reason!” bellowed and guffawed Sext-Ant.

“Sure, if all that matters to you is thorax and antennae, Perv!” stated Iman-Ant. “Of course there is a point to it all, Dweedle-Ant.”

“Each and every one of us is a piece of a larger whole. The whole is the colony. While a colony can continue without us, it is no longer the same colony. The whole keeps changing, and yet, it depends upon us for its own existence. It is the nature of Life. Before the flower came the bud, before the bud came the stem, before the stem-the roots, before the roots-the seed, and after all is said and done, all that was the flower is returned to multiple seeds. These seeds varying in the sum totality of the experiences in the journey of the flower’s life.”

“So, you see, we don’t know and experience the future now. We pour ourselves into the now, knowing that a future self that is the sum of everything before (self-included), and aspires to even greater, will have more of the answers than we have now,” finished Iman-Ant.

Sext-Ant yawns and exhales, “Well you mucks can do whatever you want, or believe whatever you want. Me? I’m just going for more T & A, baby, T & A!” And sauntered off with a howl that dwindled to a chuckle.

Wow! They’re not much different than us, eh?

It appears even to me, that much of my writing is heavy, and even full of anger. Reflecting upon what this is all about, many things raced through my mind. One is how someone once wrote inspirationally is now turned to a style and focus that has brought attention to bear upon the darker side of our human experience. Justification, rationalization, all represent possible arguments, however, I believe that opening up the expressions from those darker spaces has a tendency to level the playing field… To make us remember that we are all human again. That it is okay to not be so perfect. That we were all four years old once. Our social games are taking the joy of being out of life.

I found the following, written August 17, 2005, related to the same topics I’ve been revisiting recently. If you’ve ever heard of Spiral Dynamics, I mention it since I can see how the more recent experiences have taken me deeper.

In so many areas of life we must always be vigilant of our mental, emotional and physical health. Getting involved or caught up in too much of one thing can create a multitude of problems in life. Out at a networking event recently, I had missed dinner but in true form to the crowd and socializing I purchased my first of many beers. I hadn’t intended to stay as late as I did and nor had I intended to carry-on afterwards at a friend’s place. A little excess can be a good thing once in a blue moon.

Having just come back to reality and work the very next day, I’m able to recognize the hazards of letting myself get all caught up in excess. Another networking event tomorrow evening that will be followed by a photo exhibit at another location, it can get a little crazy if I let it get out of hand. Now this is just my [[experience]] and I’m sure there are others who are not concerned one way or the other. There are many who demonstrate excellent [[self-control]] in many situations. Their weakness may lie elsewhere. I believe we all have a weak spot in our lives.

At the networking event I learned of a dear friend who is over-working himself. The company is insisting he cut back to no more than 2 hours each day of the weekend. I was surprised and not surprised. This guy is very passionate and committed to excellence. The tragedy is that his truest [[artist]] isn’t allowed out to play anymore. I’ve seen some of his work. He’s an incredible artist and that talent is lying dormant crying for release. Our spirit yearns to demonstrate our beauty to the world. This includes the good work he’s doing for his company but not at the expense of the rest of your soul.

Initially, we can completely lose sight of dangers of excess. In the beginning it’s just an exception as it’s a busy week. One week stretches to two or three and before you know it, you’re whole life revolves around work. Or, this week there happened to be more events crammed together, an unusual occurrence. I’m not going to let it get out of hand. But in the past, somewhere along the way, I have lost my sight. I no longer kept my eye on the ball, on the real reason I’m here. How do we express our fullest self?

Everything in moderation, everything in balance; trial and error is a good teacher, learning to juggle, to have patience and trust that the things that need to get done will get done, and ability to remember that you have the power to say no. My focus is not on the danger as much as it is on the [[choice]]. To recognize when I’m in situations that could backfire. I remind myself to keep my eye on the ball; why am I doing what I’m doing? I want to check-in with my soul and be sure that I haven’t lost sight of my truest passion in life; not just the distractions.

Finally, I don’t need to run from the challenge. I am a physical being. Desire exists to experience life, to experience the textures and tastes, and to learn from a spiritual place, or holistic and balanced perspective. I can dance among the snakes. I can walk on water; the emotional stormy seas of life.

The beautiful thing is we all can! It doesn’t come easy initially, and I’ve tripped along the way. It takes careful observation of oneself, the thoughts and emotions, deciphering their significance, and maintaining a perspective of observer of the experiencer; not from the experiencer perspective. This is a bit of challenge and a fun one at that. It just requires a curious look at oneself frequently. To see yourself as something more, you begin to access more. It’s all in the flow and faith.

Yesterday I shared a significant insight from my own journey. It’s interesting to note that often a powerfully resistant question crops up almost immediately.

“What do you mean?”

It is a powerful disbelief because this realization places even more responsibility on my doorstep than I had otherwise felt real. This is where the sh1t has to get off the pot.

I’m shaken to my core, fully recognizing and not wanting to look, that I simply had to choose. Even in not choosing, wanting to keep the peace, or compromising for meaningless reasons that had nothing to do with me. And yet, they had everything to do with me. I chose NOT to be who I am, pursue my dreams, or whatever other sob story I might have adopted at some chapter of my life.

Inside my body a turbulence is felt, like moments before stepping out on stage for a Grade 3 Christmas recital, or whatever it is called these days. I’m queasy, uncertain, struggling, faltering, stumbling, and crumbling at any moment of any day while faced with myriads of choices that I previously refused to entertain. Why? I wasn’t good enough, deserving enough, capable enough, strong enough, and on, and on. I have done this, on and off, during my life. Maybe we all have. I don’t know. If you’re reading this and nodding your head, then good, we’re not alone.

Now all I have to do is manage the thoughts. However, something about my sensory experience adds a potential complication. I feel things and those feelings often create thoughts. It doesn’t always happen, or more accurately I choose not to pay that close attention to them. For example, I felt my stomach drop out of me (you know the sensation?) and asked the woman about her experience while she was on the phone. It was confirmed that my experience matched hers at the exact time. I haven’t discerned what to do with this talent and curse, other than to run from it. This, too, was a mistake.

The only way is to stand, to be counted, to step forth, to be curious, to be joyful, and to explore life. This starts with trust; trust in myself and in the divine magic of life that exists of its’ own accord. Science can even acknowledge that.

Ha! I said I’d be posting something every day. Did you see what happened over the weekend?

Nothing! Absolutely nothing!

I had time, or could have made time, I’m sure. So what happened?

I see hidden in the corner of my [[consciousness]], this petulant brat who wants to snub his nose at all the demands of people. He just wants to be selfish. He wants some attention, some care, and some love. He didn’t want to blog anything. This is the part of me that gets sick of being ignored.

I tend to care for others around me, often times [[deferring]] to the needs or wants of others. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a doormat. I’m a [[peacemaker]]. I warm peoples’ hearts, ease their minds, their fears and worries, and share and inspire warmth, acceptance, and love. I’m not being arrogant, I’m simply echoing what I learn as those around me reflect what they experience with me. I’m very touched by their kind words. And I must take action and learn how to better care for myself.

This is where I discovered how deep my trust issues are today. I love people and could crush them with my love. On the other hand, a fear of trusting holds me back, creates judgements and barriers not to be crossed, [[rationalizations]] for inaction, and so on. They could be the biggies or the minor concerns of life. Sometimes it doesn’t act up at all, other times it brings on paralysis.

Without awareness, it is felt whenever life gets a little crazy. With awareness, I can begin to learn from it, dance with it, bring it out into the open, examine it, question it, and over time grow out of it. I just happen to be in a period of my life where there is an awful lot going on in both my professional and personal life, including finances, career, friendships, health, juggling, big choices, and so on. When it rains, it pours.

I think we all experience times like this in our life. Sitting here now, I can’t seem to see beyond the immediate struggles, though a faint memory glows back to my twenties and some of the struggles my wife and I experienced then. It was all we could do but to hang on. Luckily, we had each other to hang onto as well. Not this time though, this time I row the boat alone.

All I can do is hang on and endeavour to enjoy each day and make a point of having fun with the ride. Where that becomes difficult is when days bring on the more painful growing pains – whatever they may look like. My old habits begin to kick-in as [[hot-buttons]] get pushed (familiar with those?) and my focus turns to the negative worries and fears, creating meaning and form to events that may never happen and may have no bearing upon the reality in front of me. Ouch!

What a painful realization. I’m actually causing more than 90% of the pain I experience in my life. I’m told, and as my eyes are directed to see the truth, that is the reality for the majority in life today. The story has taken hostages. I cause more than 90% of the emotional pain in my life.

Society, my dear, is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow.
- Arthur Stringer

Accountability is taking ownership, or personal responsibility, for circumstances brought about through their conduct, or choices. There are so many occurrences in our lives where we are called to make decisions, that thousands and millions of decisions were made without even thinking consciously about them. Sort of like flicking away an annoying insect while engrossed in a conversation.

Today, as conversations delved into the topic area of [[accountability]], the issue of fate and the mystery of life circumstances were introduced. It was then perceived by some that there is less personal accountability for life’s circumstances, past and present. I’ve often recognized the impact events have upon our lives, and I’ve certainly left a lot of room for the human experience to breathe and be stuck at times. However, I’m also now recognizing that the quickest, easiest, and healthiest way is to self-assess the accountability factor and learn to let go.

So life isn’t so good today. So I made a whole series of minor decisions that had negative consequences. So adding them up leads to a real pit. So what? Here I am, my heart is beating, my health is still quite good, my mind is rather sound, and new opportunities are always presenting themselves. I did create this difficult place, and most of that creation came out of bitterness, and feeling like all the external forces had more control than I did. It was when I saw all those tiny choices along the continuum that I realized how I got here. I owned up, and then I got some help so I could suck it up. Today, life is really moving.

Did you recognize accountability’s trick?

Wow! It’s after 10pm and I’m just getting around to write a blog-entry. I made a commitment just the other day that I’d endeavour to have something written everyday.

After such a long and busy day, it can be difficult to find inspiration to write. No? Yes. Well, sort of. You see, the first thing I did was check my email, my longest standing blog, and my latest fun-craze, Facebook. This amazing phenomena based upon the internet is creating wonderful exchanges of ideas, progress, friendships, and even peace. I love connecting to some of the folks in these communities. We get to play and express creativity, and today’s Facebook stories were a great example of that. One of them actually came out making perfect sense. And none of this makes sense to you.

I’m baby-sitting a dog for a few days for a friend. Tonight I decided to sneak the dog in to spend the night. These last few days have been action-packed, and the next three weeks promise more of the same. So bringing the dog home gives me a better opportunity to relax, rest, and recover and keep my energy levels. Now, what many of you may not realize is I have a cat. Ironically, his name is Dawg. He’s cool like that.

Well, as I said, “Love lives in this house.”

There is no doubt about it. I come in with the beautiful canine girl, who coincidentally has an absolutely incredible personality and intelligence, and there is Dawg flopped in the entry. My canine sweetie isn’t quite sure what to make of all this, and she’s curious. Sniff forward, falter back, and Dawg gets up and saunters into the living room to splay himself more fully.

I come in and stroke his belly as he stretches himself out. Dawg is no lightweight, and yet in his fitness he is deceivingly heavy-weighted in comparison to his appearance.  He lounges there, unperturbed, until the clumsy oaf-like dog-play pushes him up off the floor to wander under the table, out of harms way. Miss Snoop Dogg, however, is more curious than the cat that was killed, and she whines, whimpers, and groans begging Dawg to come play.

Dawg, the sinister tease that he is, plays the aloof Greaser, eyeing the crowd from the fringes. Sauntering across the living room, skirting the edges, he teases the inner-crowd that cries after him to join them. Missy tries desperately to get closer, and Dawg leaps and trots wherever he wants to go, leaving Missy to pine after him.

Yes, love lives in this house. 

Relationship is the problem with everything, and it is the opportunity with everything. That being said, the human tendency is to make it about what is [[external]] rather than [[internal]]. I’ve learnt this through a series of challenging circumstances, observing my actions and reactions, cause and effect, and experiencing some things from different perspectives.

You know how it is said,

• “the only thing you control is your [[attitude]].”
• “you attract what you are.”

and that sort of thing.

Well, I have found it to be rather annoying to hear people throw that in my face. I am often convinced that my happiness depends upon my environment, and the interactions that occur outside and around me. Don’t you agree? People behaving badly will affect my mood. Gangs are killing people just in the next neighbourhood and it disturbs me. Business ethics unsettle me and I don’t want to participate. You know what I mean?

And yet, there it is. I’m told that it is my eyes that are faulty. I am told that happiness is a choice. I’m told that I can create more despair with my own negativity. I’m told to love myself. And to be quite honest, all of this has been quite confusing. And yet, there is a deep truth to everything lying in the shadows of reality as we see it. That truth is that what I am being told, and what I’m hearing, is in fact true.

The rub here is two-fold. One, that I can experience more [[joy]] daily. I find this difficult to explain, so please bear with me. As I see it, my first task is to feel good. Feeling good begins by feeling good about myself. When I’ve encountered hardships, and I’ve beaten myself up over mistakes, whether my own fault or circumstantial, or whatever, I condemned myself. My relationship within myself was crumbling. As the foundation of my own being crumbled, so did the life around me, thus inviting further disasters.

Now, I said two-fold, and I’ve explained my own internal experience as briefly as possible. Even recognizing this truth about the relationship failure within me, I want to experience a change, to shift toward healing that relationship. Just like any wounded being, however, we seek attention just as though we were sick and required medical attention. Don’t get me wrong, this is a positive move, but it is also a road that could be potentially misguided. Going in with insight brings greater clarity and purpose.

Those who can’t seek out professional help rely on friends, family, and even acquaintances for feedback. All of this seeking out presents a new problem though. Just as the [[awareness]] grows within, our awareness of others, and other societal structures grows. The inconsistencies, hypocrisies, and dualities begin to challenge more beliefs and rock the ability to strengthen the relationship to self. Everyone, and everything that exhibits [[dysfunction]] is suffering too. I experienced this along my journey. There was a breaking point that followed.

Just as I experience struggles, so do others. We may share similar stories, some different paths, and varying intensities, and none equal to the other, and yet we can share the common bond of the emotional experience. The human experience, the sadness, the fear, the trials and tribulations, all commiserated in community that bonds and strengthens the human spirit.

Relationship, remember, is the key. Don’t seek perfection, don’t seek healing, and don’t even seek solutions. These things will come, and yet, the shit is going to hit the fan, again, and again, and again. Seek [[relationship]] and find yourself mirrored in the weaknesses of each other. Share the [[compassion]], [[understanding]], and [[love]] you have for yourself with others, and break the chains that bind. We trip, we fall, and knowing this true of ourself, we allow it with others. All that we thought we should be seeking will be found through relationship. Then we learn the most valuable lesson of all.

Lean on me, and we’ll find that we progress much more quickly with more frequent positive outcomes.