Ha! I said I’d be posting something every day. Did you see what happened over the weekend?

Nothing! Absolutely nothing!

I had time, or could have made time, I’m sure. So what happened?

I see hidden in the corner of my [[consciousness]], this petulant brat who wants to snub his nose at all the demands of people. He just wants to be selfish. He wants some attention, some care, and some love. He didn’t want to blog anything. This is the part of me that gets sick of being ignored.

I tend to care for others around me, often times [[deferring]] to the needs or wants of others. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a doormat. I’m a [[peacemaker]]. I warm peoples’ hearts, ease their minds, their fears and worries, and share and inspire warmth, acceptance, and love. I’m not being arrogant, I’m simply echoing what I learn as those around me reflect what they experience with me. I’m very touched by their kind words. And I must take action and learn how to better care for myself.

This is where I discovered how deep my trust issues are today. I love people and could crush them with my love. On the other hand, a fear of trusting holds me back, creates judgements and barriers not to be crossed, [[rationalizations]] for inaction, and so on. They could be the biggies or the minor concerns of life. Sometimes it doesn’t act up at all, other times it brings on paralysis.

Without awareness, it is felt whenever life gets a little crazy. With awareness, I can begin to learn from it, dance with it, bring it out into the open, examine it, question it, and over time grow out of it. I just happen to be in a period of my life where there is an awful lot going on in both my professional and personal life, including finances, career, friendships, health, juggling, big choices, and so on. When it rains, it pours.

I think we all experience times like this in our life. Sitting here now, I can’t seem to see beyond the immediate struggles, though a faint memory glows back to my twenties and some of the struggles my wife and I experienced then. It was all we could do but to hang on. Luckily, we had each other to hang onto as well. Not this time though, this time I row the boat alone.

All I can do is hang on and endeavour to enjoy each day and make a point of having fun with the ride. Where that becomes difficult is when days bring on the more painful growing pains – whatever they may look like. My old habits begin to kick-in as [[hot-buttons]] get pushed (familiar with those?) and my focus turns to the negative worries and fears, creating meaning and form to events that may never happen and may have no bearing upon the reality in front of me. Ouch!

What a painful realization. I’m actually causing more than 90% of the pain I experience in my life. I’m told, and as my eyes are directed to see the truth, that is the reality for the majority in life today. The story has taken hostages. I cause more than 90% of the emotional pain in my life.

Society, my dear, is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow.
- Arthur Stringer

Relationship is the problem with everything, and it is the opportunity with everything. That being said, the human tendency is to make it about what is [[external]] rather than [[internal]]. I’ve learnt this through a series of challenging circumstances, observing my actions and reactions, cause and effect, and experiencing some things from different perspectives.

You know how it is said,

• “the only thing you control is your [[attitude]].”
• “you attract what you are.”

and that sort of thing.

Well, I have found it to be rather annoying to hear people throw that in my face. I am often convinced that my happiness depends upon my environment, and the interactions that occur outside and around me. Don’t you agree? People behaving badly will affect my mood. Gangs are killing people just in the next neighbourhood and it disturbs me. Business ethics unsettle me and I don’t want to participate. You know what I mean?

And yet, there it is. I’m told that it is my eyes that are faulty. I am told that happiness is a choice. I’m told that I can create more despair with my own negativity. I’m told to love myself. And to be quite honest, all of this has been quite confusing. And yet, there is a deep truth to everything lying in the shadows of reality as we see it. That truth is that what I am being told, and what I’m hearing, is in fact true.

The rub here is two-fold. One, that I can experience more [[joy]] daily. I find this difficult to explain, so please bear with me. As I see it, my first task is to feel good. Feeling good begins by feeling good about myself. When I’ve encountered hardships, and I’ve beaten myself up over mistakes, whether my own fault or circumstantial, or whatever, I condemned myself. My relationship within myself was crumbling. As the foundation of my own being crumbled, so did the life around me, thus inviting further disasters.

Now, I said two-fold, and I’ve explained my own internal experience as briefly as possible. Even recognizing this truth about the relationship failure within me, I want to experience a change, to shift toward healing that relationship. Just like any wounded being, however, we seek attention just as though we were sick and required medical attention. Don’t get me wrong, this is a positive move, but it is also a road that could be potentially misguided. Going in with insight brings greater clarity and purpose.

Those who can’t seek out professional help rely on friends, family, and even acquaintances for feedback. All of this seeking out presents a new problem though. Just as the [[awareness]] grows within, our awareness of others, and other societal structures grows. The inconsistencies, hypocrisies, and dualities begin to challenge more beliefs and rock the ability to strengthen the relationship to self. Everyone, and everything that exhibits [[dysfunction]] is suffering too. I experienced this along my journey. There was a breaking point that followed.

Just as I experience struggles, so do others. We may share similar stories, some different paths, and varying intensities, and none equal to the other, and yet we can share the common bond of the emotional experience. The human experience, the sadness, the fear, the trials and tribulations, all commiserated in community that bonds and strengthens the human spirit.

Relationship, remember, is the key. Don’t seek perfection, don’t seek healing, and don’t even seek solutions. These things will come, and yet, the shit is going to hit the fan, again, and again, and again. Seek [[relationship]] and find yourself mirrored in the weaknesses of each other. Share the [[compassion]], [[understanding]], and [[love]] you have for yourself with others, and break the chains that bind. We trip, we fall, and knowing this true of ourself, we allow it with others. All that we thought we should be seeking will be found through relationship. Then we learn the most valuable lesson of all.

Lean on me, and we’ll find that we progress much more quickly with more frequent positive outcomes.

Hello visitors, readers, friends, and everyone.

My old website had long since outgrown me. I felt stuck with it and, ironically, I felt stuck with my career and my life. The breaking point came with a break too!

There I was the day before Halloween, 2006, a gimp lame duck with a broken wing, not even able to lift a cup of coffee with my right hand while my arm was supported by a sling. Days, weeks, and months slipped by and business slipped with it and the dark drizzly days of winter rain enforced an already self-imposed isolation. I was finding it difficult to see through the limitations this injury gave to my experience.

By the time the new year rolled around, my situation had become dire. Work I used to rely on during my slow season, I was no longer physically capable of doing. Sitting too long on the computer added new complications to the joint and surrounding muscle tissues. All I could do was fret over what that next move would be enabling me to survive. This is when some people pushed me to face the mirror of my false pride.

Since then, I’ve been getting the help I need. I’ve pushed harder for the medical establishment to investigate more deeply into the shoulder. Almost a year later I should not be experiencing any ongoing pain. I do, almost daily. The push got me in to an MRI which revealed a “hot spot” and the Doc wants to do another MRI. Suspicions are that physical effort with the separation weakened joint caused an injury to some sort of connective tissue / sac in the socket. They will inject a dye to observe for leakage during the next MRI.

The medical stuff slowly on track, I sought assistance to discuss the bigger issues I’ve been shouldering on my own these past number of years. Loss of relationship – a big one, a job-loss – another big one, health crisis – oops, another biggie, and ongoing financial struggle – there were some brief reprieves along the way. Now, I’m just glossing over a continuum here. Anyone who has, or knows someone who has gone through some serious losses and/or changes that have significant emotional impact, knows that these can take considerable time to heal – even when dealing with one, let alone a half dozen!

Now I speak to someone regularly to process all that has been transpiring. It’s a time to give it voice, to explore the depth and breadth of meaning, emotions, causes and effects, and see where it is leading on the path of life. All significant events bear upon the future that will be lived. We see this often as occupations shift according to values and experiences shift values. And honestly, the raw emotions from all of this has left me feeling rather vulnerable. I don’t have the same mental toughness — it’s different now.

While I don’t have the same mental toughness though, I’ve found that I have a stronger character. What I mean by this is, that even though I may be overly sensitive at times, I also have a strength at staying with it – not giving up, giving in, or avoiding the emotion, situation, people, places, etc. I have done these things, yet less and less so. A new buzz-word going around now to describe these sort of people is Highly Sensitive People. Take the Self-Test.

So, yes, there is a lot in transition right now. I’m glad to be receiving some help from various organizations, people, etc., as it is enabling me to nurture and heal, to not sit home pondering it all, but to instead continue to explore ways to be involved. You can see some of the stuff I’m volunteering at under the Projects page.

See you next time!