Denial: I have to wonder what this is really all about.

Over the decades, as psychology has gone more mainstream, it has infiltrated every aspect of our lives culturally and socially. It’s in our health coverage plans, employee benefits, in the movies, sitcoms, and even more in the advertisements. I’d say they’re having an influence upon our self and group consciousness.

Earlier, I caught myself asking a question to seek the opinion of someone else about my skill, rather than just toot my horn which was what I was inspired to do in the first place. I had just finished work on a project that made me feel pretty good, and true to joy, a little cocky swaggering was called for. Instead, I censored myself and tried soliciting accolades rather than be boastful. I puzzled over this turn-about and what influenced this censoring.

As I have studied and observed the human condition over the years, it has been noted that a steady surge has broken down communion among people by placing more emphasis upon personal satisfaction and fulfillment. With so much individuality pushed in the marketplace, advertising relationships, etc., the subliminal influences shift our value-base unconsciously. With there being so much negative media created to ’sell’ to consumers, the personal identity and place of the individual in context to family and community becomes obscured, questionable, and finally, burdensome, to many.

On yet another side, the self-help industry is so full of individual band-aid stories, that the people seeking solutions typically find themselves discovering more personal problems than they bargained for. It’s like reading the horoscope. There are enough generalities and commonalities among people that we can buy into a prognosis which we then make more real through our own belief. In addition, rational and healthy human behavior ends up falling under close scrutiny while answers are sought amongs all the expert opinions, programs, and books.

As I found myself concluding these thoughts, only one question remained. When will simply being a joyful and sharing human being be okay again?

There I was hovering over a busy ant-hill when thought I heard something. I leaned in a little closer to see what it was. You won’t believe it, but I’ll share it anyway.

“Do you suppose there is any rhyme or reason to any of this?” Dweedle-Ant posed.

“He He He! Of course, Mant! Of course! Just take a look at that cute little heiny and tell me that ain’t no reason. That’s a reason!” bellowed and guffawed Sext-Ant.

“Sure, if all that matters to you is thorax and antennae, Perv!” stated Iman-Ant. “Of course there is a point to it all, Dweedle-Ant.”

“Each and every one of us is a piece of a larger whole. The whole is the colony. While a colony can continue without us, it is no longer the same colony. The whole keeps changing, and yet, it depends upon us for its own existence. It is the nature of Life. Before the flower came the bud, before the bud came the stem, before the stem-the roots, before the roots-the seed, and after all is said and done, all that was the flower is returned to multiple seeds. These seeds varying in the sum totality of the experiences in the journey of the flower’s life.”

“So, you see, we don’t know and experience the future now. We pour ourselves into the now, knowing that a future self that is the sum of everything before (self-included), and aspires to even greater, will have more of the answers than we have now,” finished Iman-Ant.

Sext-Ant yawns and exhales, “Well you mucks can do whatever you want, or believe whatever you want. Me? I’m just going for more T & A, baby, T & A!” And sauntered off with a howl that dwindled to a chuckle.

Wow! They’re not much different than us, eh?

Love is the first item at the top of the list, as it always seems to be a central core to what gets discussed. However, this gets to it from a different angle. Your worth fighting for.

Love starts at home, we all know and understand this, even if we don’t all come from perfect homes. Heck, as adult parents, we judge ourselves pretty harshly too. In spite of all the failings and misery, we have it in us to overcome and still love them, accepting what is and that we will never change them.

Love starts at home wants you to look closer to home. If all the money in the world evaporated, the buildings, the cities, the conveniences, and all the things we identify ourselves with, what’s left? What home remains that you still occupy no matter what is happening, or where you are?

Love starts at home is starting with you. You are worth fighting for.

When things aren’t always going right, and you’ve become accustomed to bridging peace, or any other behavior that allows you to remain in a place that is unhealthy for your well-being, or your growth, you’ve got to start at home. The change happens, you reach in so you can reach out; in healthier ways.

Just a little random thinking tonight.

world mosaic: a tribute to flickr portraits
Originally uploaded by pardeshi

Facebook is filled with Applications that people circulate through invitations. Buy and Sell friends, Flirt till your blue in the Facebook, Triumph over opponents, share iThink opinions, and many others. Many of these Apps involve assessing your ‘friends’ on Facebook. This week, a Weakness was noted for being Too Kind, and it caused a pause of humorous delightful wonder.

I was delighted and wondered why so many feel being Kind is a Weakness? Being kind requires vulnerability. Does that make ‘being vulnerable’ a weakness too? Of course, these questions are only being asked of social beliefs today, and not doubts that I experience. Vulnerability is quite the opposite of weakness and requires tremendous strength and courage. I know. I’ve taken the journey. It isn’t easy to stay open that way with everyone, at least not in the beginning.

With perseverance and experience, the truth of vulnerability reveals something deeper about human capacity and capability, as well as where it’s source originates. Are you curious? You can always challenge yourself with more kind acts, demonstrating kindness when you might otherwise walk away. Challenge yourself to bear your inner fears and vulnerabilities with trusted loved ones, and practice transparancy in life. You’ll begin to see.

Remember, it is only cowards that hide behind their own fear. Fear drives the worst kind of behaviour in humanity. You are the light – Remove the fear.

from the archives July 13, 2006

On the battlefield a fallen soldier will often lay there near death, expecting death, when a comrade will stop and offer comfort and aid. Encouraging and strengthening his fallen comrade simply through comfort, the yell will follow, “Medic! Medic!” as help is sought that will bring the wounded soldier the medical attention that is needed. There are times when death will come too quickly or help will come too late. When the help comes in the right time, the medical attention will quite often save the life of the fallen comrade and life goes on.

As observance is given to happenings in society today, I am left with the sense that too often we pass by the wounded soldiers lying on the battlefield of life. Life can be a struggle for many people for a variety of reasons. It’s easy to wipe our hands of responsibility, laying blame through our judgment, thinking ‘you made your bed, now lie in it!’ This scapegoat thinking dismisses the fact that people make the best choices possible with the information that is available to them. It dismisses the fact that not everyone has had the best opportunities available to them or the fullest access to their own personal power in making choices.

A young man, wet behind the ears, full of vim and vigor, races into the world to discover, to live, and to enjoy. The taste of freedom from the family structure – particularly from more controlling family environments – may lead to disastrous experiences as the ‘I’ll try anything once’ is lived out and embraced. This attitude and expression of freedom is not wrong on its own, however, the less freedom of expression experienced while growing up through the formative years often leads the young to explore and taste many new experiences as they now assert and discover themselves in the wild world context.

Another individual’s experience may be quite different. With limited life experience and much social conditioning through family and upbringing there may be rigid values and beliefs that have been adopted that also leads to unhealthy life choices. Family dynamics have a powerful affect on the decision-making of impressionable young people. The loss of personal power in this context may see others in life taking advantage of them, and of them making decisions that they feel obliged to make. In every life scenario circumstances and past influences shape who we have become, as will our future experiences.

As life progresses one poor choice after another can easily accumulate through the learning process. Some learn more quickly than others and some become entangled in messy life situations that leave the victim bewildered and confused feeling powerless. Healthy people know that much more is possible and that healthier choices can lead someone out of the pit of despair. Healthy people may also forget to recognize just how important their social network is in supportive friends supporting their own life journey, positive life experiences, affirmations of who they are, etc. For someone whose life choices have isolated them from such positive influences, the battle for freedom becomes a serious battle against the dark forces in life. Anyone who has had a taste of emotional fallout in a family environment, work environment, health situation, or relationship failure, can recognize a small taste of what that experience might be like.

In our society today, we would all do well to show more compassion and understanding of the battle that individuals face in their lives. Even the people who seem to have it all together and the silver spoon in hand may have some enormous demons that they’re fighting with secretly. The cry in my heart is brought on by the lack of compassion offered and the heap of judgement that leaves so many wounded on the battlefield waiting for death to overtake them. I encounter these people often and recognize the child within that is eager to please and wants to find a way out. I also see and hear the self-loathing and criticism that they have adopted after repeated mistakes are made and repeated abuse is heaped upon them by society.

Admitting my own discomfort, I am challenged to stay connected to such people. I do though, to the best of my ability. Can I impart a positive influence, affirming their worthiness, simply by offering compassion and understanding for the journey that led them to where they are? Am I offering myself as the comrade who is encouraging and supporting them to heal, calling out for the Medic myself as I hope the right help for them will come along? Or am I the Medic, applying first-aid and supporting them on the journey to healing and healthier choices. As a coach, I do see myself in a Medic role. As a man, I see myself as the comrade in the battle of life. I don’t have all the answers. I do know that my presence does make a difference.

A comrade never leaves the fallen soldier until the medic arrives and the medic won’t leave the wounded soldier there to die. In saying this, I draw our attention to the fact that our busy lives, our fears, or our own vulnerability often has us walking on by or rushing off far too soon. We prop up the wounded soul with our comfort and presence, lending a helping hand, a shoulder to lean on or cry on, and soon after run off to attend to our own lives, too afraid and uncomfortable to stay with this fallen individual. It is scary after all. Look how vulnerable the human being is, the emotional being, and the mental being. God forbid it could happen to me or you. The truth is, in my case, it already has happened.

I’ve made plenty of unhealthy life choices and managed to do well in spite of them. In turn, I’ve made other choices that seemed right, only to discover how badly they damaged me emotionally and mentally. I was married at the age of 19 to a woman 10 years my senior. Silly? Maybe, and I can also say that for a good many years that positive experiences and life circumstances made it a good lifesaver and life-saving relationships experience. I can also say that it ended in divorce 10 years later leading to the conclusion that it may have been an unhealthy choice. I certainly experienced a great deal of emotional pain through the ordeal.

I also had quit a fantastic career with a large corporation that had the potential for a comfortable living, ripe with all the fringe benefits, eventually resulting in a comfortable retirement package. This has been seen as courageous and stupid, depending upon the conversation and perspective. Which is it? Only time will tell. I recall the opinion I held as I lay in the hospital, near death, with a never-before experienced illness that had the potential of altering my life forever. At that moment, leaving that position and its’ benefits seemed to have been a disastrous choice. The financial crisis it created added to that belief for a good long time. Many years later, these experiences show another perspective as an alternative that has resulted in a deeper awareness and relationship of self.

There have been many other choices made in my life that led to more pain and misery. They seemed the right choice at the time, given the perspective and unique way that I looked at the world. I know my family experiences have influenced some of these choices. I also know that my involvement with organized religion influenced my decisions during another period of my life. I’m very conscious of the fact that people rarely accept their responsibility for the influence they asserted in any of my decisions. That is mostly fair since ultimately the decision rests with me. All the same, we all have an impact on others lives through our presence, attitudes, beliefs, words, love, or hate. I’m simply saying that we can acknowledge that fact, have more compassion, and create safer relationships that support better choices and healing when bad choices are made.

We’ve all been guilty of giving out bad advice at one time or another. We can often catch ourselves telling someone, ‘you should do…’ when in reality it is only what we might do ourselves if we were in the same situation. I can admit that I’ve given out bad advice in the past, based upon my own experiences and assumptions that resulted in disaster for someone else. I’ve always been worried about that. This is where we need to stop though. It isn’t the advice that matters or that is needed. It is the company, the support, the conversation that offers questions that will lead someone to their own answers. This also leads to intimacy, something that many people crave, and yet are very afraid to embrace.

Intimacy isn’t a term reserved for sexual partners, spouses, or our best friend. Intimacy is what we all crave as a human being – to be known and to know, to love and be loved. We engage in relationships since we’ve been toddlers being curious of others and seeking this level of engagement. It’s all of the negative experiences around judgement, ridicule, impatience, prejudice, abuse, control, manipulation, and more that have isolated us over time. We do open slowly when we meet people, and as the relationship and trust develops we open up. Even so, how many of us still have a dark secret that we haven’t shared with anyone? Fear of judgement prevails and keeps us separate and yet we are not separate at all.

The next time you consider ignoring someone who is in need of a helping hand in life; the next time you recognize judgement or an assumption creeping in as you dismiss someone; the next time you are about to say ‘no’ when someone asks for help, listen to this reminder as a voice calls out, “Medic! Medic!” Don’t fix, just create an opportunity for something to happen that can change the energy that dominates this person’s life. I’d also like to add that it is wise to let go of any attachment you have over results or expectations for how quick someone should get back on track. Getting out of the mess could easily equal the time spent getting into the mess. At the very least, your loving presence will improve the quality of that person’s life.

Addendum, March 5th, 2008:

Get Up! Keep going!

From the archives September 13, 2006

A topic of interest relates to a dog, Sassy, who I take out walking Saturday’s and Sunday’s. When I took up the assignment, I was warned about the dog, a Jack Russell Terrier, and her behavioural problems. Avoid other dogs, hang tight around squirrels, she’s very aggressive, and so on. Everything I heard sounded wrong; it didn’t sit well with me as I listened to all of these instructions. Curious and rebellious toward the negative perceptions I decided to observe what was going on with Sassy rather than take everyone’s word. This results in a remarkable story of transformation.

The first couple of walks I proceeded cautiously, allowing her to experience close-calls with other animals so I could observe what was happening. Then I purposely allowed contact during subsequent walks, always being cautious and watchful around her behaviour. Oddly, with some dogs she reacted and others she didn’t. When she did I would assert Alpha dominance – canine pack behaviour – and let her know it was wrong and immediately followed that with comfort that everything was fine. This also included me greeting and engaging with the other animal so she understood fully from the experience that her safety and my safety were not in question.

In addition to this, this Jack Russell was only managing to get a 30 minute walk, morning and evening, for minimal exercise and a bathroom break. This is insufficient physical, mental, and emotional stimulation for the animal. Even though only paid for 30 minute walks, I took it upon myself to go further, expose her to more stimuli and activity. We discovered she loves swimming in the ocean, she loves chasing balls and sticks – the sticks she loves to chew into bits & pieces too. I even discovered toward the end of our time working together that she manages just fine off-leash and will follow along long walks with rarely a mishap – she is a dog who loves chasing squirrels after all. Sassy, I’m told, is 13 years old and we’ve all been told you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Well, guess what?

Not only did we experience the transformations mentioned above, we also watched her confidence and a calmness return to her reality. All she needed was someone to take leadership with her and to observe and understand the emotional response – flight or fight – that was occurring. Knowing the reason for the emotional response offers insight – not really necessary to bring about change – and patient love and attention turned it around. As all those immediate concerns vanished, we could venture on walks and take on new adventures. This is where, in addition to the transformation she’d already experienced, I began to do some obedience training and to teach her new tricks. In two very short weeks she would roll over on command about 80% of the time. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

People make assumptions and adopt beliefs all the time about what is happening in reality. Just because there seems to be a justification for the situation (the Jack Russell had been viciously attacked in her younger years), there is always a cause and effect at play that can be challenged and transformed. This experience resulted in a remarkable story of transformation that is really nothing like a transformation at all. It’s more of a coming home and being as a dog is meant to be. This causes me to think of what it means to be human, what we’re meant to be, and what might happen if people really had the freedom in their lives to be that picture of freedom and playfulness, or authentically being. Better yet, what if we slowed down enough to offer the attention and authenticity with each other, our families, our children, and our colleagues? Enough with the Meds already!

From the archives August 13, 2005

When you realize that you really want to have an impact in this world, to make a difference, remember that it is in each moment that you are alive and in the present. When you are too busy worrying about what you don’t have, what you have to do, where you’ve been, and what you don’t have, you’re not in the present; you’re consumed by the past you can’t change and the future that has yet to happen. There is no impact in either place.

The impact is here and now. Stop, check in, and connect in relationship with those around you. Be present, make the impact with those you see in your life today. Your future will unfold more powerfully and profoundly than you could ever imagine when you focus on the right things; relationships, people, love and community.

In case you’re wondering, all these reposted archived items are being transitioned from an old website format, and brought into the RSS Web 2.0 world via this new site and blog. Not only does this offer easier content management, it will also ensure this content reaches a wider audience.

From the Archives.

Many writers and editors critique the wordiness of my writing. I encourage you to embrace that feature. I’m not just sharing head-knowledge. I am endeavouring to take you to a place that you can feel, know, and understand.

Love and life are funny things that often bewilder us, creating feelings within our body that are not really caused by any physical injury. Take heartbreak for example. Heartbreak is not a pain caused by a physical injury to the heart. The pain we feel is an emotionally generated pain, triggered in part by our mind based upon an experience. And what about that chemistry that jazzed the both of you when you met? Then wonder, “what more?”

Just as suddenly as the juices got jazzed you find yourself running, laughing, playing, and enjoying a budding relationship. You can’t believe you could be so lucky! You think about this miracle that came into your life throughout each day. You feel the energy in your body inspiring your life. You feel so alive! You know all of this though and realize you have to get through each day, keeping balance and perspective so you don’t neglect other areas of your life. Too bad about that really, it would be great to just walk off into the sunset and not have to worry about the realities of life for awhile. “Give us some time” I’d say, knowing that in time we’ll both come back to the planet looking to explore other avenues of our lives. Let’s get back to reality though.

Now, I can only speak for myself and others like me. I don’t fall in love to just walk away. Yet, too often, that is what we are required to do. As compatible as a relationship might feel or seem, timing could be everything. Someone’s distortion could have their values out of whack. Knowing the inner-qualities of each other, you could have even been certain that you’d never be dropped for material reasons. This love, this woman, or this man, is deeper than that. It’s there, in all the journals, in every conversation, in the eyes, and the vision for the future. Then life shows up and serves some humble pie.

Bad things happen to good people all the time. Someone is struck ill with a serious illness and before long the retirement savings are gone. The recovery can take months or even years, if at all – for some. The physical toll can be too great for some people to handle. The emotional stamina required to endure the trials may be to costly to another. The financial strain may threaten a required sense of security for others. For the person it is all happening to, it can have profound and life-changing impact.

Deep loss is experienced as an old identity passes away and a new identity comes into being. Death and birth, experiences equally bound in both pleasure and pain. Not just a physical death, a psychological death. Not just a physical birth, a metaphysical birth. Some people end up lost in the bottom of a bottle while others stab out the misery with a needle; both scenarios leading to more misery and death. These are just examples, the scenarios are limitless. Some recover, some don’t. Death isn’t the only thing that can kill you.

In spite of what we see on the streets and played out in the drama of each others’ lives, miracles still happen all the time. These miracles happen even through the loss and in spite of loss. Someone may truly be gone forever and yet, someone else is saved as a result. An illness could miraculously disappear, leaving no trace of ever having been there. Financial ruin could bring two closer together, empowering and strengthening beyond what each could do individually. Important changes in society could come about as lives are radically changed through tribulation.

Too often judgment is heard spilling from lips of those who don’t know or are arrogant. If you’ve ever fallen, why would you laugh at another who has fallen? You remember what it was like. You understand the pain and even the embarrassment you felt. You remember the judgment others threw in your face. Everybody hurts, sometimes. Judgment, ridicule, laughter, and self-righteousness are uncomfortable disguises of your own frailty. Bad things happen to good people all the time. It could happen to you. This is uncomfortable to admit. It recognizes your powerlessness to control every aspect of living your physical life on earth. You only control your response, reaction, your attitude.

As for the hurt that comes with the human experience, the shift in perspective can view the emotional pain as a good thing. The ache in the heart chakra is a blessing of your aliveness. It affirms your divine capacity to love another being. The ache that comes with the turmoil of disappointments affirms your love of self. The ache that comes with betrayal in society affirms your connection and love to your fellow beings. You are a divine creature living in a physical world. Lifting the veil, seeing your own inner-spirit, you will experience and observe and learn to be with the aching emotions. Make that your challenge – to ‘be with’ the pain and witness it as a good experience. Shift your perspective to see that your spiritual being is embracing each experience and will rise above each experience.

This brings me full-circle, right back to heartbreak. Don’t run away from love. Don’t run away from loving another. Run away from fear. Run away from doubt. There is power in love and it is the only thing that you have in life that cannot be taken away. Health: Who knows when, if, what, or why, but you could be hit. Money: That balance sheet is all over the place and depends a lot on other circumstances that may be beyond your control. And what will you give up for that? Too many look for the bling without really seeing the stars. If you’re wondering where to look, try deep into the eyes of the other.

To truly love.

Repeat it, carefully and slowly. Let it sink in. No, really, stop reading for a second and just let the phrase, “To truly love,” really seep into your senses. I want you to feel it and its’ ramifications.

What I noticed as I contemplated the phrase in its’ enormity, was an expanded energy toward embracing every aspect of what exists, both good or bad, without judgement, only pure love and acceptance. Ouch! So, yes, I did notice the expansion sense of this idea, and I also noticed that when it extended to areas that create a sense of uncomfortable vulnerability, I pull back.

To truly love.

Your life no longer holds the same importance for you. It hasn’t become anything less either. Instead, your ability to embrace, love, accept and understand for all that exists, so also does your relationship to everything. This is magical, and holds consequences of merit. To simplify, as an example, I could suggest that we become less petty. I know it sounds shitty, and yet, somehow it holds some truth. I can be rather petty at times. And really, what did I ever gain from my pettiness? Where on the other hand, I have been generous with discernment and life’s rewards have multiplied.

There may not be a simple equation; the human experience is far too volatile at times. However, the positive experiences we create from within our own emotional power generates tremendous opportunities for health, well-being, clear-thinking, solutions, meeting the right people, and accessing dreams, desires, and goals far more effortlessly. Even in observing the experience of a bad mood versus a good mood, it is clearly recognized which is preferred and beneficial.

Shits gonna happen. Lots has happened to me. I’ve been a cynic, a sourpuss, suspicious, and paranoid. Yet, throughout it all I was plagued with memories of positive personal experiences. I neglected to utilize their power early in the game. Let it all out, get there quicker, and avoid the mistake I made. There is still a lot of Life to Live.

God Bless You All

Sometimes we meet people who have a profound impact upon our heart. Two women friends came by for a visit and to take some flour off my hands; good intentions that long ago went awry. They stayed to chat for a couple of hours and somehow the conversation went into intimate and authentic territory without any effort. As experiences, observations, and insights are shared, a recognition of such magnitude arose that cracked the rumbling walls holding emotions in check. I experienced a love and acceptance that affirmed.

I dare not try to explain further. Reaching for elusive words to describe the indescribable is fruitless. Only those with a glimmer of experience such as this will know it, and those with a glimmer of hope or distant memory will want for it, resonating with the desire for such an experience. And not simply desire, there is a rightness to it that fits. I wish to express…. and am lost for the words.

There is an important principle behind this event that I wish to share. Holding tightly to agendas loses opportunities meant for life to unfold in the best way possible. I had a few commitments today, and also had to juggle things at last minute relating to deadlines, and yet, my day only fulfilled one commitment so far. The rest was responding to the opportunity in the moment. The gift received, immeasurable in its’ effect, did something for me, whether you wish to call it heart, psyche, or whatever. Whatever it might be, its’ effects are positive and often necessary.

Oh, but wait. What about those other commitments? Two to four hours diverted, receiving immeasurable and helpful benefits to my well-being, versus the stress of deadlines and catching up? Sounds like I got more out of my day by going with the opportunity rather than sticking to my idea of commitments and an agenda. What next? I’ll sit down and start doing what was neglected. The best part is, most often, with a clear head and heart, the work will be more productive and less of a burden, maybe even becoming joy – as we all deserve to experience.