Deserted, alone, with nowhere to go, no place to call home because home is where the heart is, and even with the sea of people littering the cityscape, the silence of abandonment echoes deafeningly in me. Hunger for that connection starves rational thought, fed through years of abuse or neglect, and keeps the solution always just beyond the fingertips of my reality. I know it is there, if only I could reach out and grasp it.

Abandonment issues are troublesome haunts in people’s lives. How they are created is useful for each individual to understand; it helps move through the issues. Even without fully understanding their origins, it is still possible to move through abandonment issues. We often will never know what happened or why with some people in our history, and we need to satisfy ourselves in that knowledge.

Even by the measure of our own lives, we understand that people behave irrationally and very poorly at times. My life is rippled with choices, actions, and words said that defy explanation. Our goal, of course, is to improve upon ourselves each step of the way. Understanding that each generation has been influenced and socialized differently, we can accept their imperfections, and our own, as we all represent a rung in the ladder of progress for the human race, our family, and ourselves. Step-by-step.

Just because someone else failed, doesn’t make us the failure, or them a failure. The hardest thing in the world is to accept what is. Not trying to make it right, not becoming bitter just because we want to make it wrong. It just is what it is. People are people, I have my shortcomings, my family has shortcomings, and as far as I can tell, so do most people that I know. It doesn’t make any of us wrong. We’re doing life together, and in our insignificant ways, our individual journeys impacts the whole, and more-so when we’re connected.

Ongoing abandonment issues, from my studied perspective, resist change. At the very core comes a serious trust issue when confronted with letting-go and relating fully and completely with other people. The guard is up, the radar is (fine-tuned we think, but is) on maximum levels of sensitivity, and the archives are spewing all the old scenarios from the bad-memory-banks in order to prevent the same things from happening again. Nothing happens. Isolation continues. Abandonment is made more real.

God help me, I say in the face of such adversity. Existence requires purpose, purpose requires relationship, relationship inspires the best (and according to the level of relational health) in one another. Relationship can be friendships, spouse or partner, and others in communities we engage. Without any of these, walls cannot come down.

Bringing down the house means knowing these walls are there. It means recognizing them when they come up. It means finding the courage to open up and expose yourself and the fears to experience the event anyway, regardless of the feared outcome. Without DOING IT, the new experiences that will prove otherwise cannot happen. Positive experiences need to happen to restore balance, faith, and trust in self and others. Only you have the key.

Unlock the gate, and start letting that wounded heart beat openly. Hold in check the fears, feel the pain and do it anyway. Let your pain serve to feed your courage. It is simply there to remind you that you are alive, that you are courageous, and that you are on the verge of a major breakthrough experience. Keep letting them in, over and over again.

We all make mistakes, and we all have misunderstandings. Allow this knowledge to serve as a balance-point to create openess even in moments when perceived injustices are occurring. Quite often, the abandonment history has tales that distort the perception of reality. This often leads the mind to believe something is happening that is not. It also hears and understands things based upon experiences of the listener, rather than the intention of the speaker. So allow this openess to communicate, ask questions, give second chances, and give the process time.

Step-by-step, abandonment and trust issues can be overcome, and the peaceful knowledge and comfort that comes from nurturing a garden of friendships blossoming over a lifetime, with death both physical and metaphorical as people come and go, and time passes along with the rhythm of nature’s heartbeat. It is all transient, and we always remain connected on that heart level. Now trust, and let go.

Are we talking customer service, or are we talking sex? When I heard this statement, I couldn’t help thinking of many variations of where this statement could be applied. In the context of the conversation, it pertained to customer relations. The conversation was with a beautiful young woman which conjured up other possibilities.

“CrustyFarts.com would be a good place for that,” she had said.

I was lost on this one. CrustyFarts.com (non-existent yet) is the cantankerous perspective poking holes at the things people say, believe, or do. That said, upon reflection, the cantankerous fool could have a lot of fun with “Keep ‘em Happy, Keep ‘em Serviced, They Stay With You.”

Choose to keep others happy

None of us can be in top-game form every moment of every day. I know, understand, and live this experience many times each day. That said, I am also aware. Noting feelings, thoughts, emotions, and my current circumstances, I can fairly clearly point out what causes me discomfort. More importantly, I can own it and share this if necessary. Also, knowing the source, I don’t have to let it interfere with my personal relationships.

PS, don’t fool yourself about business relationships. They’re personal relationships too.

Exercise Authenticity

This does not mean you have to be a complete open book and confess all your sins past and present. This means to be consciously accountable and open to what is happening in the context of your current relationships and current personal experience of life, emotions, thoughts as you engage and create each day. With this attention to openess, you earn rapport, trust, and intimacy as trust relationships are built upon each successful exchange.

Don’t Think About Right and Wrong

Too often the critic is quick to step in and judge the right and wrong of situations. Authenticity just calls it like it is. Get past the self-preservation desire to create a false image that projects what you think is right, and don’t worry about what others think is wrong. We all make mistakes, and the most effective and powerful weapon you have is to make mistakes well.

Make Mistakes Well

I don’t believe there is anything any of us can do to avoid making mistakes. It’s part of the human experience, of relating, of growing, of learning, and of fun, adventure, and excitement too. Unafraid of the right or wrong, open to the experience of learning and growing, trying new things, and testing the boundaries, the authentic character engaging others will hurt less when the mistake is fessed up. We’re far more capable of explaining our mistakes when we’ve been authentic thus far and people have joined us on our journey. It’s the false-masks and cover-ups that always land us in the most amount of trouble.

Work Hard, Have Fun, and Keep on Working

That is an all-encompassing statement highly relevant to all areas of our life, and I’m going to focus upon relating to others. Whether spouses, customers, peers, friends, or business, opening to this approach at relating to others (in context of the relationship boundaries) will provide ample space for deepening of relationships and loyalty. As with anything in nature, this too is a process and grows over time. Be grateful for every mistake, because each one is a catalyst for growth when we seize the opportunity and have been relating to others well authentically.

Mission Impossible:

Your assignment this week should you choose to accept it: Take note of your false mask, pride and resistance to receive help or be vulnerable and even possibly wrong. Work with the moment, clarity of thought, purpose of word, to engage and express the learning and opportunity in context with the person you are communicating with in that moment.

• Business, keep it professional until take the appropriate steps to deepen the level of rapport. We can only take people where they are comfortable going. Personal integrity will speak frankly, openly, and honestly, in a constructive and solution-oriented manner. You are about success, creating opportunity (from failure), building strong trust-relationships for business and community longevity.
• Personal, my hunch wants me to say stop competing. It’s like we’re all trying to one-up each other and have the latest and greatest fashion, car, music, and friends. Putting that aside and being vulnerable with your close friends, challenging them gently little by little, will create an enriched experience of close relationships with people that really matter. Feeling isolated? Open up.
• Intimate, my soul cries out for women to yield a little to their man, and for men to lift up their woman. I see to much head-butting and a real lack for breaking down the fences and walls we’ve learned to erect to protect ourselves in our families and social circles growing up. Instead of resisting that pain, yield and lean into it, opening yourself up to the opportunity of really experiencing the one truest strongest human desire:

Be Fully Known

A recent conversation stated that I don’t feel that I have any friends. Querying deeper, “of course I have friends,” I responded. It is in the distinction of the value-exchange that I require in a relationship to make that final leap. This isn’t to say there is no value in the people I know; there is plenty.

I enjoy and value all interaction with others. Many of them are friends, and we enjoy each others company and time together. The requisite, for me, that is missing to state that person who is my “friend” (emphasized-meaning) is a deeper level of intimacy.

I question and explore a lot of heady topics. I haven’t met many in my life who care to endure the conversations I require to process more fully. A absorb a lot of information and in the course of a conversation where a listener engages actively, I question and ramble out-loud with their engagement providing a vehicle for me to explore subjects more deeply.

An interesting observation about the past participants, is their ability to listen. For the most part, they had little to contribute other than to make enquiries or share a personal story for perspective once in a while. Looking back, I see what a beautiful thing it was for me. You see, people think I’m visual, others auditory, and yes, I believe I do engage those, though in large part due to the fact that I’m a kinaesthetic learner. I need to actively engage to learn.  Sitting and thinking is far less engaging than a conversation. Where do you think I can move faster?

This brings me to Needs versus Desires. Basic human needs are considered food, water, shelter: The basics needed for the human body to survive. Then the perceived message offered and sometimes stated is that everything is either a desire or preference. In suggesting this, a conflict arises that I will explore more, demonstrating that basic human needs are in fact beyond the mere physical requirement to live.

From the archives June 29, 2005

Most people get involved in a relationship for the right reasons and leave a relationship for the wrong reasons. In fact, most of us have been guilty of it at one time or another and of being a complete spaz demanding we get our way in the relationship. Remember the movie He Said, She Said? A constant power struggle ensues when you make the relationship all about you. So why do we do it?

I believe the reason this happens is that we make unhealthy relationship choices. In our deepest inner desires, we naturally long for companionship and love in our lives. In our haste, we choose unwisely and compromise for that “next person” that comes along to satisfy that longing. In this context, it’s easy to bend and flex because in the beginning we still don’t know that person. Then as we do get to know them, we find ourselves making more compromises because we don’t have the guts to fess up to our mistakes and all sorts of other irrational reasons rambling through our head to avoid hurting someone else. Bad move, fess up.

In our relationship goals, we need to be much more aware of ourselves, our habits, our desires, our likes and dislikes. The focus should not be on the person, the focus should be on the relationship. Even in the dating context – it could lead to something serious – we should focus on the relationship goals. What is it you want in a relationship? Who are you in a relationship? What do you need from the relationship? And, and, and… take stock and stay open to change, improvements, discovery and more.

When you can answer these questions more clearly and you find yourself able to understand what you can give to the relationship, you choose your partners more wisely. You also communicate more openly and honestly because it is less about you and more about the relationship; you no longer need to criticize them, you can articulate your feelings and needs. The other person can listen better because it is more about the relationship and less about them. And adjustments can be made so much more smoothly from both sides when we communicate on the relationship.

So look at it like a triangle. You on one side, your partner on the other. Instead of eyeballing and measuring each other, look to the peak – the Relationship. That’s your goal, that’s your partners goal, and you look only at yourself in comparison to the relationship goals. You’re teammates, you see the goal, and now you can work more effectively together.

It’s not about me, it’s about the relationship. Can I give that to achieve this in the relationship? Do I want that? Yes, then let’s do it.