from the archives July 13, 2006

On the battlefield a fallen soldier will often lay there near death, expecting death, when a comrade will stop and offer comfort and aid. Encouraging and strengthening his fallen comrade simply through comfort, the yell will follow, “Medic! Medic!” as help is sought that will bring the wounded soldier the medical attention that is needed. There are times when death will come too quickly or help will come too late. When the help comes in the right time, the medical attention will quite often save the life of the fallen comrade and life goes on.

As observance is given to happenings in society today, I am left with the sense that too often we pass by the wounded soldiers lying on the battlefield of life. Life can be a struggle for many people for a variety of reasons. It’s easy to wipe our hands of responsibility, laying blame through our judgment, thinking ‘you made your bed, now lie in it!’ This scapegoat thinking dismisses the fact that people make the best choices possible with the information that is available to them. It dismisses the fact that not everyone has had the best opportunities available to them or the fullest access to their own personal power in making choices.

A young man, wet behind the ears, full of vim and vigor, races into the world to discover, to live, and to enjoy. The taste of freedom from the family structure – particularly from more controlling family environments – may lead to disastrous experiences as the ‘I’ll try anything once’ is lived out and embraced. This attitude and expression of freedom is not wrong on its own, however, the less freedom of expression experienced while growing up through the formative years often leads the young to explore and taste many new experiences as they now assert and discover themselves in the wild world context.

Another individual’s experience may be quite different. With limited life experience and much social conditioning through family and upbringing there may be rigid values and beliefs that have been adopted that also leads to unhealthy life choices. Family dynamics have a powerful affect on the decision-making of impressionable young people. The loss of personal power in this context may see others in life taking advantage of them, and of them making decisions that they feel obliged to make. In every life scenario circumstances and past influences shape who we have become, as will our future experiences.

As life progresses one poor choice after another can easily accumulate through the learning process. Some learn more quickly than others and some become entangled in messy life situations that leave the victim bewildered and confused feeling powerless. Healthy people know that much more is possible and that healthier choices can lead someone out of the pit of despair. Healthy people may also forget to recognize just how important their social network is in supportive friends supporting their own life journey, positive life experiences, affirmations of who they are, etc. For someone whose life choices have isolated them from such positive influences, the battle for freedom becomes a serious battle against the dark forces in life. Anyone who has had a taste of emotional fallout in a family environment, work environment, health situation, or relationship failure, can recognize a small taste of what that experience might be like.

In our society today, we would all do well to show more compassion and understanding of the battle that individuals face in their lives. Even the people who seem to have it all together and the silver spoon in hand may have some enormous demons that they’re fighting with secretly. The cry in my heart is brought on by the lack of compassion offered and the heap of judgement that leaves so many wounded on the battlefield waiting for death to overtake them. I encounter these people often and recognize the child within that is eager to please and wants to find a way out. I also see and hear the self-loathing and criticism that they have adopted after repeated mistakes are made and repeated abuse is heaped upon them by society.

Admitting my own discomfort, I am challenged to stay connected to such people. I do though, to the best of my ability. Can I impart a positive influence, affirming their worthiness, simply by offering compassion and understanding for the journey that led them to where they are? Am I offering myself as the comrade who is encouraging and supporting them to heal, calling out for the Medic myself as I hope the right help for them will come along? Or am I the Medic, applying first-aid and supporting them on the journey to healing and healthier choices. As a coach, I do see myself in a Medic role. As a man, I see myself as the comrade in the battle of life. I don’t have all the answers. I do know that my presence does make a difference.

A comrade never leaves the fallen soldier until the medic arrives and the medic won’t leave the wounded soldier there to die. In saying this, I draw our attention to the fact that our busy lives, our fears, or our own vulnerability often has us walking on by or rushing off far too soon. We prop up the wounded soul with our comfort and presence, lending a helping hand, a shoulder to lean on or cry on, and soon after run off to attend to our own lives, too afraid and uncomfortable to stay with this fallen individual. It is scary after all. Look how vulnerable the human being is, the emotional being, and the mental being. God forbid it could happen to me or you. The truth is, in my case, it already has happened.

I’ve made plenty of unhealthy life choices and managed to do well in spite of them. In turn, I’ve made other choices that seemed right, only to discover how badly they damaged me emotionally and mentally. I was married at the age of 19 to a woman 10 years my senior. Silly? Maybe, and I can also say that for a good many years that positive experiences and life circumstances made it a good lifesaver and life-saving relationships experience. I can also say that it ended in divorce 10 years later leading to the conclusion that it may have been an unhealthy choice. I certainly experienced a great deal of emotional pain through the ordeal.

I also had quit a fantastic career with a large corporation that had the potential for a comfortable living, ripe with all the fringe benefits, eventually resulting in a comfortable retirement package. This has been seen as courageous and stupid, depending upon the conversation and perspective. Which is it? Only time will tell. I recall the opinion I held as I lay in the hospital, near death, with a never-before experienced illness that had the potential of altering my life forever. At that moment, leaving that position and its’ benefits seemed to have been a disastrous choice. The financial crisis it created added to that belief for a good long time. Many years later, these experiences show another perspective as an alternative that has resulted in a deeper awareness and relationship of self.

There have been many other choices made in my life that led to more pain and misery. They seemed the right choice at the time, given the perspective and unique way that I looked at the world. I know my family experiences have influenced some of these choices. I also know that my involvement with organized religion influenced my decisions during another period of my life. I’m very conscious of the fact that people rarely accept their responsibility for the influence they asserted in any of my decisions. That is mostly fair since ultimately the decision rests with me. All the same, we all have an impact on others lives through our presence, attitudes, beliefs, words, love, or hate. I’m simply saying that we can acknowledge that fact, have more compassion, and create safer relationships that support better choices and healing when bad choices are made.

We’ve all been guilty of giving out bad advice at one time or another. We can often catch ourselves telling someone, ‘you should do…’ when in reality it is only what we might do ourselves if we were in the same situation. I can admit that I’ve given out bad advice in the past, based upon my own experiences and assumptions that resulted in disaster for someone else. I’ve always been worried about that. This is where we need to stop though. It isn’t the advice that matters or that is needed. It is the company, the support, the conversation that offers questions that will lead someone to their own answers. This also leads to intimacy, something that many people crave, and yet are very afraid to embrace.

Intimacy isn’t a term reserved for sexual partners, spouses, or our best friend. Intimacy is what we all crave as a human being – to be known and to know, to love and be loved. We engage in relationships since we’ve been toddlers being curious of others and seeking this level of engagement. It’s all of the negative experiences around judgement, ridicule, impatience, prejudice, abuse, control, manipulation, and more that have isolated us over time. We do open slowly when we meet people, and as the relationship and trust develops we open up. Even so, how many of us still have a dark secret that we haven’t shared with anyone? Fear of judgement prevails and keeps us separate and yet we are not separate at all.

The next time you consider ignoring someone who is in need of a helping hand in life; the next time you recognize judgement or an assumption creeping in as you dismiss someone; the next time you are about to say ‘no’ when someone asks for help, listen to this reminder as a voice calls out, “Medic! Medic!” Don’t fix, just create an opportunity for something to happen that can change the energy that dominates this person’s life. I’d also like to add that it is wise to let go of any attachment you have over results or expectations for how quick someone should get back on track. Getting out of the mess could easily equal the time spent getting into the mess. At the very least, your loving presence will improve the quality of that person’s life.

Addendum, March 5th, 2008:

Get Up! Keep going!

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Time we share together in intimacy creates a sense of togetherness and stimulates individual growth in many ways. It came as a surprise to hear it said, “No one has ever wanted to do that with me,” over something as simple as sharing a bath.

I’m reminded often these days of the simple things, the rare moments that are meant to last, that help loving couples remain loving couples for a lifetime. Just as we lend our individual talents to our careers, so to do we need to lend our effort toward developing our ability to connect with our lover.

The Lover is You

In our sweetest moments that we have experienced and created, quite often the sweetest is that which includes a deep connection with another. This is only possible from that space we occupy ourselves as the lover. It is the moment, the elusive experience, that can be experienced when effort remains wholly in this moment. Full attention upon the experience of the self, and in relation to the other. Even with eyes closed, that full attention both ‘sees’ and ‘feels’ the others presence, mood, and experience dancing with themselves.

Special Ways

Everyday tasks often disappear quickly when two or more pairs of hands join in the effort. Working and playing side-by-side, opportunities for silence, golden moments, intimate thoughts suddenly shared, and simple jokes abound. Sharing the load, the contributions of each other to the experience of the whole life shared is enjoyed more, and the union strengthened.

Preparing and cooking meals, cleaning up afterward, dividing tasks by strengths and preference, the workload and fun times are proportionately balanced, and we rarely tire. Even sharing the messes, there becomes a knowing element to the connection shared, and laughter endures.

The Kiss

Is this a lost art? To take the time to kiss, to hold that quiet and reserved space, whether face-to-face, cheek-to-cheek, lip-to-lip, or tongue-to-tongue, there is a pleasure to be experienced by pausing for more than a few seconds to just sit and feel the closeness and sounds of each other. Gentle grazing touches that electrify amidst sporadic pauses. And you know each others soft-spots enough to take it from here.

Bathing

Food and Water are two basic fundamentals of life. We’ve covered the food portion, and surprisingly many people didn’t consider there being a water portion. The quiet gentleness that can be experienced with bathing is a singular pleasure that never grows tired for either man or woman. Whether we bathe together, or bathe one another, the experience of each adds a dimension of intimacy that pleases on so many levels.

Rare Moments to Last

With so much positivity to experience, this special relationship stands firmly upon a mutually respectful friendship that understands life and living. “We’re in this together,” we each say, holding hands, and each other’s gaze. I wish the same for you.

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The Secret to Healing: Feel the Pain

When we are on the path of creating the work and life we love, we will encounter pain. That’s a given. Yes, we will follow our bliss, and then rejection, fear, and confusion will find out where we live. How we deal with the pain will determine our success and joy. But most of don’t love dealing with pain.

Recently, I had a fit of insecurity, a bout of self-comparison, and then a melt down. It’s the same sorry broken record that plays again. I don’t want this pain to return. It has come so many times to my house and broken the dishes and kicked in the walls. But when it comes I feel as though I have little say. All my years of therapy and spiritual growth, and even teaching, seem like postcards from a foreign land. I know that this “pain is optional.” But in the moment, it’s the only dish on the menu.

Ironically, I am at a beautiful retreat center when this experience happens. There are ongoing workshops on meditation and healing taking place. I pause by a still pond. Barefoot meditators walk by me, smiling with peace. I want to trip them as they pass. I am not well, I tell you.

Heal my mind, I pray to any God who will listen. Take these thoughts away. I say the words, begging and demanding. I stomp my foot like a princess calling upon the powers of the heavens as though they are disobedient maid servants. Nothing happens. Evidently, I cannot even pray right in this pain.

“Try focusing on something positive,” I demand of myself. It’s almost embarrassing how much good there is in my life, and how I choose to lie down on a bed of nails instead. Seeing this makes me feel worse. There are children starving in Africa, and they’re probably singing, says my suddenly “spiritual” inner critic. Now I’m in more pain, thinking how wrong it is to be in pain.

That night, I talk to Nancy, a woman I have just met. She is a healer by trade. But more than that, she is a healer by the way she looks at me. Her face is as open as a window in springtime and her eyes have seen it all, yet look at me with burning interest. I feel the air slow down around her. I swear she is charming the molecules into sacred space. I start telling her about my situation, strategically inserting only the details that validate my cause, and make me look pretty good, not at all like the ragged and hostile character at her table. I ask her how to deal with the pain of the situation.

I am hoping she will give me some mantra or insight to make it instantly disappear. I am hoping she has some kind of talisman tucked up her sleeve. I am hoping she will say something to prop up my wounded, terrified ego, maybe something like— you’re obviously a rock star who deserves better treatment. Or better yet, here let me waive my magic wand, and don’t worry, just for you, I’ll waive my fee. Or worst case scenario, but still fine with me, I expect her to say, I know a woman who can tell you which mother in which past life did this to you. I know a guru, a therapist, a lobotomist, a drug dealer, I’ll get you connected. But she says none of those things. She says something I am not expecting. When I ask her “What should I do?“—she says quietly, “I guess there is nothing to do— but feel the pain.”

Part of me wants to say, “Come, again?”

But the wise part of me, the one that instantaneously recognizes truth, wants to giggle and toss jellybeans at her feet. That part understands and claps its hands.

“Feel the pain,” she says, and she says it with the kindness of a thousand years like water that has loved a jagged rock and smoothed it into shining. Her healer’s voice surrounds me with spaciousness, as though she can wait forever for me to take in this message.

I feel her recognize my sorrow and suddenly I recognize it—and I recognize that it’s okay to feel sorrow. I don’t need to deny it or make it wrong or try to sweep it off my doorstep and scrub away its shadow. The moment she says “feel the pain,” I feel as though the broken sorrows of the whole world are laid before me, the raw hearts of everyone, everywhere, meeting me in this single moment with knowing. Somehow we’re all in this together, and I would not make them wrong for anything—and, finally, I do not make myself wrong either.

This is what whispers to me in her words: stop running and come in out of the rain. Wrap your little girl in a warm woolen blanket. Let’s put on a pot of soup. Forgive your ego, your frightened one for its tirade, for demanding the moon as proof of being loved, for needing things to be otherwise, for taking offense because the wind blew a certain way—not your way. Take those tight shoes off. Why, you’ve been running away from your truth for so long, you must be tired. Here, let’s soak those feet in lavender oil.

The moment Nancy said, “feel the pain,” I didn’t feel lonely or separate from my life anymore. I felt as though I could be in this exact moment, in this exact state of mind. I felt as though she was asking me to allow God, the Eternal Lover of the Present Moment, back into my heart. I felt as though she was reminding me of my Real Nature, a presence so beautiful and vast, it could sit with pain of any sort, frustration, anger, betrayal, and welcome every wasp, spider, or aphid into the garden. She was asking me to give myself over to the medicine and instruction of this moment. Suddenly I realized I didn’t need Spirit to take away the pain. I only wanted Spirit to sit with me while I felt the pain. I needed to sit with this part of myself. I needed to hear her story, not to fix it, or agree with it, push it away, or try to change the circumstances that caused it. I needed to sit with this frightened part of myself. She needed to be heard. She would know how to go forward from there.

In the past, I have envisioned the Presence of Love sitting down by my side. It’s the Holy Spirit, Jesus, Buddha, the Hebrew Shekina, or the spirit of ten thousand sequoia trees. Strong Love sits beside me. Strong Love sits behind me, before me and above me and below me. Strong Love can contain anything. Strong Love can absorb the sting. Strong Love doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

In the end, pain opened my heart to myself. It’s always that way. I feel the love of the Universe when I feel my own love. I feel that love when I stop running away from any part of myself or any experience I am having. I am willing to feel the pain. I am willing to feel my love. I am willing to feel my life.

This month I invite you to sit with yourself in the middle of a feeling that is uncomfortable. Feel the pain. I hope you can hear me whisper this to you, with the love of the ages in my voice, a strength and gentleness that wraps around you. I have faith in your ability to heal yourself. I have faith in your ability to contain and absorb and dance with the truth of exactly where you find yourself in this moment. I have faith in all of us.

With my love and blessings,

Tama

©Copyright 2009 Tama J. Kieves. All rights reserved.

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Love is the first item at the top of the list, as it always seems to be a central core to what gets discussed. However, this gets to it from a different angle. Your worth fighting for.

Love starts at home, we all know and understand this, even if we don’t all come from perfect homes. Heck, as adult parents, we judge ourselves pretty harshly too. In spite of all the failings and misery, we have it in us to overcome and still love them, accepting what is and that we will never change them.

Love starts at home wants you to look closer to home. If all the money in the world evaporated, the buildings, the cities, the conveniences, and all the things we identify ourselves with, what’s left? What home remains that you still occupy no matter what is happening, or where you are?

Love starts at home is starting with you. You are worth fighting for.

When things aren’t always going right, and you’ve become accustomed to bridging peace, or any other behavior that allows you to remain in a place that is unhealthy for your well-being, or your growth, you’ve got to start at home. The change happens, you reach in so you can reach out; in healthier ways.

Just a little random thinking tonight.

Have you ever realized how wide open love requires you to be for its fullest experience? I only just found out myself. It’s a tremendous challenge.

My heart is aching, and has been all day. In truth it has been aching longer than that. Events are pushing it to the max. I don’t know if I can take it.

To be in a state of love… despite what is happening. Can you do it?

At this moment, I don’t know what to do.

It isn’t that I don’t know what to do with what I’ve learned. I’m beginning to understand, to love freely. It holds no hostages, no bonds, no burdens. It simply gives.

I get this, I do. Rationally, I get stuck on outcomes for dreams of a more stable and simple life. Is there such a thing? Irregardless, I’m faced with a choice: Surrender, or Run.

Run, I keep plodding through it. Surrender, I could fly. Have I the courage? All I need to do is let them all go; just love.

What else of my life, my past needs to be let go?

Recently asked what I liked about someone’s personality, other than things that are useful to me, I found myself coming up against a rock and a hard place. The very act of liking anything and anyone brings a sense of joy and wonder to a thirsting soul seeking satisfaction. Disliking does quite the opposite. How does a question such as this get answered with any level of honesty?

I read once on a list of Life Priorities once where the top item stated: “Choose the right partner. This one choice alone will determine 95% of your success and happiness.” I cannot emphasize enough how truthful and relevant such a statement is, in spite of all our romantic leanings, and desires to make-things-work.

Toxic workplaces have higher levels of absenteeism, and higher levels of mental health claims. Do we expect we would fare any better in a relationship that is proving toxic? So the question now causes me to turn to who would inquire about what I like about them, besides what is useful, and wonder: Why would you want to hear the answer ‘Nothing’?

Don’t get me wrong, we all have mediocre qualities we all could do-with or do-without and we’d barely notice. But that’s a big difference than the intent behind the question. In a personal and intimate relationship, the values, behaviours, traits, characteristics, and so forth, are either compatible and healthy, or they are not. Attraction happens based upon these things exhibited during a courtship. Over time, the real everyday behaviours, traits, and characteristics show up.

In every relationship between two partners, an agreement is formed in principle that there will be a common ground for respecting each other. How this looks in action often leaves parties struggling to feel that they are being respected 100% of the time. As well, none of us is ever perfect as we keep growing and changing.

It’s a give-and-take, and an ebb-and-flow, as it is with life. The better we are at following the give-and-take, whether it represents a short-term or long-term commitment, the better success the individuals will have, and therefore the better success the union has as a couple.

What do I like about anyone that is not useful? When I like, liking is useful. It does things inside me, like when you smile. Like when you whisper in my ear. Like when you giggle when you’re being silly. Or like when you’re laughing heartily at my jokes. Liking someone is useful. Don’t you think?

I’m in Love in a very different way than I’ve ever experienced before. It is not a kind of love that feels all that comfortable to be with. I ache and have these very unusual bodily experiences… not quite muscle ache, but something creeping in the muscles. It’s a tension that comes with this Love. You may wonder what this different kind of love is.

Self Judgment and Criticism

People are often very good  at chastising their behaviour, their short-comings, their failures, and faults. The more times those bricks get heaped down upon you the load gets greater. I know that I used to be able to shrug them off a lot more easily when I was younger. Life hadn’t introduced me fully to itself yet.

Loving Others

Connecting with others to feel the warm energizing embrace of love fills a deep lacking void that has been empty for many years. For all those failures and shortcomings, the self-flagellation starves the individual from its very own personal source to Love. It’s stopped off, choked up, and with that starvation gasping for love, as soon as it encounters a warm sense of healing balm, it throws itself into a temporary fix that will soon implode upon itself.

Take  the Pain

The biggest reason this happens is due to how easy it is under some circumstances to simply slide into that deep pit and stay there without any ability to actually “SEE” the way clearly to getting out step-by-step. That’s really stuck! There’s lots to re-learn, and more to experience. The uncomfortable truth is the body does experience aches as the mind re-awakens fully with consciousness and awareness of the full reality. This is outside and beyond the self-pity-pit. It’s gonna hurt – Stay with it.

Consider this – the pain you feel is Love coming back.

Switching Gears

The pain in the body in part I’ve found to be related to the energy of a future that has not yet manifested. It is manifesting, and it begins through choice. As I said, it’s going to hurt when you encounter the fallout of the temporary fix. Don’t run from it, walk with it, stay with it. Things shift in what is observed in our thoughts, mind, choices, emotions, etc., and the new choices will be seen and felt strongly. It’s such a strong pull away from what was comfortable that it will create physical discomfort. Stick with the vision, you’ve felt the clutch engaging the new gears!

This Different Kind of Love

This different kind of love is focused on you now more fully. When you’re present with it and see, you notice it is standing tall and looking forward at an exciting and brilliant life that is being lived. This life glitters with gold in comparison to the old reality. This life is the life that was started way back. It’s back on track. This different kind of Love is definitely about you.

The Switch For Me

It’s been a tough road along some bumps. Being in the personal development field I was devastated to find myself broken. How could I be broken? I kept hearing the joke “those you can DO, those who can’t Teach.” This became an uncomfortable space that soon became comfortable. It was a catch-22 of self-analysis that created a vortex that sucked me in and kept me there. Little did I know, I was driving the boat.

Best Kind of Love

This space I started with describing and talking about in the post is a truly strong point of view. It is clearer than any perspective held in your life under any other circumstances. It yields tremendous strength and power that can sustain you in any circumstance. It will attract more of what you want than any Law of Attraction visualization can ever give you. This Love is that which acknowledges you, and ends all further belittling. It lifts you up. It holds you strong.

Know Your Self and Love Your Self

Value Your Self

Wonderland
Originally uploaded by Hans Vink

They walked and came to a place where grew a tamarisk tree, and about the tamarisk entwined a vine holding many bunches of grapes.

The old maidservant said, “Behold this tree, of what value would it be were it not for the vine? Would it have any value except as firewood? And what of the tree to which it clings, would it not straggle along the ground, laying in the dust to be crushed underfoot by any passer-by? It would be a helpless thing unable to raise itself up, a barren creeper bearing no fruit.”

“So see what benefit comes from their union and learn wisdom.”

“Is not the tree named as a man is named and the vine as a woman is named?”

“We who are old see lessons in such things and in learning from them gain wisdom. The young are loath to even read to their benefit from the book which is always open before their eyes.”

The little things that show you care…
Originally uploaded by preciouskhyatt

Maybe it is because I’m a Virgo, maybe it’s not. I notice the little things all the time, typically having to do with social interactions among people whether in groups or not. Where my observations are even more pronounced is when I’m an active participant rather than a casual observer. Ouch! I’m sure we’ve all had some of those.

Our closest relationships, our most meaningful relationships, would be the relationship that has the most meaning in our hearts. It’s where the little things are blaring and glaring when they’re swept aside over concerns and worries of the mind, instead of relished and nourished when the connection, solace, and intimacy are sought to feed the soul. Sigh.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you remembering what is important in your day-to-day life? Take stock and express yourself in positive ways toward those who have meaning in your world. Yep, that’s what I’m gonna do from now on. I need reminders too.

Love you
Originally uploaded by Plüschelefant

Not a day goes by without remembering you. What it feels like to be next to you, to hold you, to see you smile, to hear you laugh, and even more, to look into your eyes. Feelings that are so beautiful to experience, to hold in the moment, that to let go needs my total surrender. I struggle every day, and I smile.

Lately, my thoughts have returned to relationship dynamics, or more accurately, spontaneous insights have popped up. One day, ownership and the resistance of many to be called another person’s property. I understood, and also understood more.

A committed personal relationship to you feels natural to me, though I struggled. With the following insight, I surrendered into the beauty of the gift. Ownership is voluntary: Ownership is not the right of the other, it is the gift of the giver, and the receiver to respect and cherish. Only with my permission do I give my body totally to one person. Only with my permission do I dedicate my life partnership. Only with your permission will you receive it. This insight brought a sense of peace toward relationship, and a sense of safety and security to give myself to you. That insight resulted in a wonderful feeling to experience.