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How Could It Be?

Yesterday I shared a significant insight from my own journey. It’s interesting to note that often a powerfully resistant question crops up almost immediately.

“What do you mean?”

It is a powerful disbelief because this realization places even more responsibility on my doorstep than I had otherwise felt real. This is where the sh1t has to get off the pot.

I’m shaken to my core, fully recognizing and not wanting to look, that I simply had to choose. Even in not choosing, wanting to keep the peace, or compromising for meaningless reasons that had nothing to do with me. And yet, they had everything to do with me. I chose NOT to be who I am, pursue my dreams, or whatever other sob story I might have adopted at some chapter of my life.

Inside my body a turbulence is felt, like moments before stepping out on stage for a Grade 3 Christmas recital, or whatever it is called these days. I’m queasy, uncertain, struggling, faltering, stumbling, and crumbling at any moment of any day while faced with myriads of choices that I previously refused to entertain. Why? I wasn’t good enough, deserving enough, capable enough, strong enough, and on, and on. I have done this, on and off, during my life. Maybe we all have. I don’t know. If you’re reading this and nodding your head, then good, we’re not alone.

Now all I have to do is manage the thoughts. However, something about my sensory experience adds a potential complication. I feel things and those feelings often create thoughts. It doesn’t always happen, or more accurately I choose not to pay that close attention to them. For example, I felt my stomach drop out of me (you know the sensation?) and asked the woman about her experience while she was on the phone. It was confirmed that my experience matched hers at the exact time. I haven’t discerned what to do with this talent and curse, other than to run from it. This, too, was a mistake.

The only way is to stand, to be counted, to step forth, to be curious, to be joyful, and to explore life. This starts with trust; trust in myself and in the divine magic of life that exists of its’ own accord. Science can even acknowledge that.

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